Welcome one and all to another edition of Movienalia. This week, we’re covering something special. Just last September, a film had garnered a reputation as being one of the worst comedies ever made. It currently has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Deservedly so. The movie I’m referring to is “Bucky Larson: Born To Be a Star”.
Produced by Adam Sandler’s company, Happy Madison, the film is essentially a one-note joke stretched out into a full length feature. I take it Sandler was hoping to make his buddy Nick Swardson a star out of this movie. The only thing he made him was a laughing stock and a Razzie contender for worst actor. Don’t believe me? Read on and find out.
So kick back, relax, take off your pants and enjoy my torture of “Bucky Larson: Born To Be a Star”.
-Why are you celebrating shooting a scarecrow? It’s not like it was putting up a fight.
-This guy is drunk because he just came out of a screening of “Bucky Larson” and needs to numb the pain.
-Do we really need to see a man rub peanut butter on his crotch and let a goat lick it off of him?
-Fooder’s Grocery may just be the worst grocery store name I’ve ever heard.
-It’s Booger! It looks like the jocks have gotten their revenge and stuck him in this garbage.
-Way to blatantly advertise Doritos.
-Booger’s going to kick Bucky Larson’s ass.
-How can you fire someone after you hit yourself in the eye?
-Is Bucky laughing or crying?
-The buck teeth and terrible southern accent are already getting on my nerves. How I’m going to make it through another hour and a half is beyond me.
-Stop promoting Doritos!
-If Bucky Larson is destined for greatness, then Skeet Ulrich is destined for a career resurgence.
-Stop zooming in on Bucky and the old lady with no teeth smiling.
-Curtis Armstrong has six toes. That’s the joke, people.
-Nick Swardson would look like Brad Pitt if Pitt got mauled by a tiger.
-Bucky wearing shoes that light up isn’t funny. It’s just stupid.
-Who rides a bike to the house next door? Just walk, you lazy buffoon!
-Who mistakes a film projector for a robot head?
-“One of those movies you can play with your business to.” Technically, you can play with your business to any movie. Even Steven Seagal films. That’s why his one film was called “Hard to Kill”.
-Stop making euphemisms and just say masturbation.
-I really didn’t need to know how many times these guys jerk off.
-You know what’s better than both Donkey Kong and masturbating? Masturbating while playing Donkey Kong.
-They’re not going to literally walk Bucky through masturbation, are they?
-I’m sure the man who invented the black light is proud that it’s current use it to highlight Bucky’s buck teeth.
-Masturbating in a bean bag chair has to be weird.
-I don’t think I’d want to watch a porno called “The Farmer in the Smell”.
-I could have gone my whole life without seeing Nick Swardson masturbate.
-Why does his masturbation look like he’s violently churning butter?
-He’s literally beating his dick.
-I’ve heard of your parents catching you masturbate. But, not being caught masturbating to them.
-Why would you smile after you watch your parents have sex? You should be screaming in terror.
-If I ever watched a porno that had my parents in it, I’d pour bleach into my eyes.
-What parents would simply giggle and share the memories when their son discovers they’re porn stars? Even the Manson family wasn’t this twisted.
-Most porn stars foray into the industry doesn’t start with, “Your mother wanted to see the ocean.”
-Bucky, you should burn those eighty-six pornos starring your folks, not cherish them.
-If it’s your destiny to be a porn star, you got screwed (and also will be).
-”I ain’t afraid of chafing.” The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And chafing.
-I know most porn stars get into the industry due to family issues. This may be the first time one got in with his parents blessing.
-Bucky has a cassette player. Those are ancient. Laugh, damn it!
-I never thought I’d hear “MMMBop” in a movie about porn.
-When a pig licking a lollipop is the most interesting thing so far, your movie is in deep trouble.
-Bucky is sleeping with the pig. This better be the closest we get to bestiality.
-That hooker is clearly a man.
-An Oscar drinking glass is the closest Nick Swardson will get to actually winning an Oscar.
-Assuming Bucky watches kiddy porn is probably the closest we’ll get to a funny joke.
-“I’m allergic to cats”. So much for that joke possibly being funny.
-Remember when Christina Ricci had a (successful) career?
-Nothing says customer service like calling your customers rats to their faces.
-Christina Ricci having mind powers would make for a better movie.
-Bucky’s laugh is like having a knife stabbed into your ears.
-A hairy man laughing and throwing fries in the air. Is this supposed to be funny?
-Bucky is hiding in the bushes. I’m surprised they missed an obvious joke of this being his future career.
-What town doesn’t have a High School?
-John Mayer and Kevin Nealon being roommates sounds like a great sitcom.
-Kevin Nealon is about as intimidating as a one-legged squirrel. He kind of looks like one too with that mustache.
-Bucky even snores obnoxiously. Stop being annoying! That’s not funny.
-Bucky attempting to whistle isn’t funny. It’s a waste of time.
-“I’ve got to go and take this town by the antlers.” He screwed up a famous saying. He replaced horns with antlers. Laugh, damn it!
-Bucky walked in on Kevin Nealon taking a shit. Did they write this script on post-it notes?
-Bucky is brushing his teeth in the pool. What part of this is supposed to be funny?
-“Good luck being nude today.” I’m saying that to everybody from now on.
-Somebody’s giving away a free snake. I wonder if it’s Jake Roberts.
-Bucky not knowing what a headshot is; riveting comedy. And by riveting, I mean stupid.
-This film actually made me laugh. Bucky mistook a macaroni and cheese commercial recording for a porn shoot. When they told him to start, he took his pants off and started masturbating. Their reactions were priceless.
-I could have done without Bucky shoving his thumb up his ass.
-“You can’t go around whipping your dick around at mac and cheese commercials.” You can’t? My life is ruined!
-Going from directing porn to macaroni and cheese commercials isn’t much of a stretch. Both involve sticky messes.
-A macaroni and cheese fetish isn’t as messed up as some of the fetishes out there.
-I’m surprised it took them nearly a half hour to crank out a fart joke.
-Bugs are in Bucky’s teeth. “Schindler’s List” had better jokes than this movie.
-“Don’t bite anybody.” These jokes about Bucky’s teeth are getting on my last nerve.
-Is Bucky not knowing what sushi is really going to be a joke?
-Two men grinding up against Bucky isn’t funny, either. If anything, it seems oddly normal.
-Where did they get those dildos from? Did they pull them out of their asses? You know what, don’t answer that question.
-Here’s Peter Dante. I wonder if he’s going to be as obnoxious and annoying as he was in the commercials.
-Stephen Dorff is dressed as a low-rent Kid Rock (you read that right). Oh, and his name is Dick Shadow. That’s not even inventive.
-Stephen Dorff’s story time is a big hit at parties.
-Taking off your pants doesn’t make you a superhero. If that were the case, the crazy homeless people that roam the streets of New York would be world heroes.
-“Nothing grows in my cock shade.” Your career doesn’t grow, either.
-You pulled your dick out at a macaroni and cheese commercial taping. Doing it at a porn party shouldn’t be a problem.
-I like to imagine Stephen Dorff judges cocks all day.
-Here’s Don Johnson. What is this, a gathering of the washed-up stars?
-Miles Deep is a bit more creative than Dick Shadow.
-“He’s going to be cumming for a very long time.” I wonder how long it took them to come up with that joke.
-Bucky’s penis is hidden in Bush Gardens.
-There needs to be more S&M lifeguards in the world.
-“Maybe he thought you were a walrus.” These teeth jokes are about as funny as AIDS.
-Why is there a dead cat in the women’s bathroom?
-“The porn world is full of fucking degenerates.” That’s the lesson of this movie, folks.
-“Everybody keeps talking about my accent. But, I’m from America.” There’s stupid and then there’s Bucky Larson.
-You don’t need to be a palm reader to know somebody took Social Studies in fifth grade.
-Bucky’s chest is whiter than Sheamus.
-Boobs=screaming like a monkey, apparently.
-Are you telling me Bucky’s sperm bounced across the room?
-“My brain just sparkled.” Bucky would make for a perfect Cullen member.
-Making weird noises while ejaculating isn’t funny. It’s disturbing.
-Another porn movie I wouldn’t want to watch: “Pee-Yeew in a Good Way”.
-Don Johnson as a drug addict. Him starring in “Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man” makes much more sense now.
-“This guy’s got some piano teeth in his mouth.” They’re making more teeth jokes than Mr. Freeze made ice puns in “Batman & Robin”.
-It looks like a hairy small dick is going to be the next joke beaten into the ground.
-They can get Doritos, but have to use store brand cereal. Froot Loops was smart to avoid this movie.
-Kevin Nealon likes walking. That’s nice to know.
-“I saw colors in my brain, then there was a pop and stuff came out.” What a weird way to describe masturbation. He’s going to have one awkward birds and the bees discussion with his son in the future.
-Who the hell dreams about being a waitress?
-Are they really trying to make spilling soup an emotional story?
-Poor Christina Ricci. Having to waste her acting talents on a tale of spilling soup.
-“We’ll get your dream back. And you won’t burn the elderly.” What if it was her dream to burn the elderly?
-According to this movie, the key to winning a woman’s heart is by playing tag.
-“You don’t got the boom boom.” Kofi Kingston does.
-“I’m hung like a cocker spaniel.” Why are you bragging about this? That’s like saying your hung like a bird.
-Did he just say his dick has cuddly eyes?
-Is Keavin Nealon yelling at Bucky about eating one of his grapes supposed to be funny?
-“You’re pathetic!” Finally! Somebody speaks the truth.
-Bucky Larson prematurely ejaculating gets you laid. You figure that out.
-“Every small dick out there’s been waiting for this.” No, every small dick is waiting for a pump.
-Another porno I wouldn’t want to watch: “Smellboy”.
-“I didn’t know porn needed heating up.” Usually, that makes the experience more pleasurable.
-“Does he have pussy?” Yep. This joke is going to be overdone immensely.
-“This guy is like muppet with clown-sprayed penis.” What?!?
-When going to the mall, don’t forget to take Viagra.
-Nine wives? Don Johnson is giving Larry King a run for his money.
-The Vietnamese Mafia funds pornos, apparently.
-Nothing says erotic porn like a paperboy wanting ice cream.
-“Powder her tits!” World’s best job.
-“Who’s the star? Judge Reinhold?” Who the hell still cares about Judge Reinhold?
-Instead of action, they shout erection. Get it? Laugh, damn it!
-Referring to your penis as a scooper makes it sound like you have a birth defect.
-More small penis jokes. Wonderful.
-These animal noises while ejaculating are becoming more and more excruciating.
-How did Bucky’s sperm get on that old lady’s jacket? She was standing behind him.
-Who still goes to the theater to see porn?
-Having a small and hairy penis doesn’t mean you were in a hunting accident. They’re really reaching for jokes.
-If the Vietnamese man knows how to speak English, then he should know the pitch went bad.
-The chemistry between Nick Swardson and Christina Ricci is equivalent to Pamela Anderson and a mop.
-“This town is really testing me.” This movie is really testing me.
-“You know what’s funny?” Certainly not this movie.
-We get it. Bucky has buck teeth. Move on!
-It’s sad that Bucky’s teeth have more character than him.
-I don’t think I’d like to be recognized as the man who prematurely ejaculates.
-Restaurant facts are about as interesting as dust bunnies.
-Prematurely ejaculating gets Christina Ricci a good waitress job. Didn’t see that coming (no pun intended).
-Enough with the fucking teeth!
-When I watch porn, it’s not to watch another man prematurely ejaculate. I know there’s a fetish for everything, but that seems very limited.
-There’s something strangely funny about Christina Ricci having a meltdown whenever she tries to carry trays.
-“Spray it, Don’t Say It!” That’s a better porn title.
-A montage of witnessing and premature ejaculation. I’ve seen it all.
-“Pinch My Inch.” At least the porn titles are getting more inventive.
-Getting Bucky Larson’s autograph is like getting my autograph. It means nothing and it’s price value isn’t even worth Monopoly money.
-“Revenge of the Pinky Dink.” Where did this sudden burst of creativity come from?
-A large rant on small dicks isn’t funny, either.
-Since when did Jimmy Fallon have porn stars on his talk show?
-Masturbating to Jimmy Fallon. Whatever floats your boat, Kevin.
-“Oh yeah, because I’m wearing a sweater.” That was the punch line to a joke, ladies and gentlemen.
-We’ve established that he has a small dick. You can make new jokes now.
-Holy shit! Pauly Shore is hosting the Adult Film Awards. So many jokes I could make. Here’s one; Bucky lasts longer in the sack than his career.
-When Pauly Shore is bringing the laughs, your movie is in trouble.
-Bucky Larson is the best newcomer. Who could have seen that coming?
-The fact that Bucky’s acceptance speech is more heartfelt than most Oscar wins is hilarious.
-Bucky looks like Mr. Ed when he cries. Damn it! The movie’s got me making teeth jokes.
-There’s an award for biggest load?
-How many awards is Bucky Larson going to win (besides Razzies)?
-Having the best taint because of your mother is disturbing.
-“I think you need to spend a night in the Shadow.” My nephew could come up with a better pick-up line than that.
-“I have the best taint and everybody know it.” Never thought I’d hear that in my life.
-Male genitals of the year is the most prestigious award? Shouldn’t it be best porn star?
-Bucky Larson broke the record for most awards won. This is just stretching it.
-“I asked Miles if he wanted to hang out, but he said he had an eight ball. So, I guess he’s going to play pool.” This is the material we’re working with, folks.
-“Nobody carries food better.” What a strange compliment.
-Of course Bucky would act strange when being kissed. Where would this movie be without such tremendous comedy?
-Christina Ricci is a virgin. I call bullshit!
-Mistaking the term protection for having a knife. Brilliant comedy, folks.
-You can’t use a straw as a condom.
-Close-up on Bucky’s teeth. Ahhhhh!
-Christina Ricci is breaking up with Bucky. About time she came to her senses.
-Bucky’s heart is broken. I could care less.
-Did Dick Shadow just cum on Bucky’s face?
-Shadow is wearing fake buck teeth. This joke has gone too far.
-“You know what grows in your cock shade? A field of baby dicks.” This man should never be allowed to speak.
-Kevin Nealon randomly shouting “Suck it whore!” is actually kind of funny.
-A heart to heart between Bucky and his makeup artist. This is about as touching as a fart joke.
-Are they shooting an Amish porno?
-Stop with the sentimentality. It’s not working.
-“You know how many girls would like to be tied to a hot rock, waiting for Bucky Larson to try and put it in them?” None?
-Never mind. It’s a Western porno. The hat that Bucky’s wearing reminded me of the Amish.
-Don Johnson told Christina Ricci to leave Bucky. And now he’s having a sudden change of heart. Of course!
-“If she cared about you, she’d cut you loose.” If she cared about her career, she wouldn’t have starred in this bomb.
-“Faithfully” by Journey is playing. How much more clichéd can this get?
-Wow. They actually made a bestiality joke. Just in time, too. This movie’s (thankfully) about to wrap up.
-Did Shadow just refer to her vagina as a smell garden? What the hell?
-“Being in those nude movies; that’s not my destiny. Being with you is.” How much cheesier can you get?
-“Does your heart have buck teeth too?” Enough with the fucking teeth jokes! They weren’t funny the first time. They’re not going to be funny the fiftieth time.
-“Shut your cock!” What?!?
-“Faithfully” started playing again. It’s as if the editor fell asleep and turned it off for a bit.
-Are they going to ride that horse all the way back to Iowa?
-“Ride little dick! Ride.” The little dick jokes weren’t funny the first time, either.
-One year later and everybody’s happy. Whoop dee doo!
-The final joke of the movie is Kevin Nealon saying Bucky is just like John Mayer. Really?!?
-They made Bucky’s teeth spell out “The End”. Fuck you!
That’s “Bucky Larson: Born To Be a Star”. The reputation it has built up is no lie. It’s painfully unfunny and feels like no effort was made. It’s as if Adam Sandler had money to burn and Nick Swardson was bored, so they made one, long small dick joke. Oh, and buck teeth jokes, too. That’s about it for this movie. Those two jokes repeated over and over again. One actual laugh and two minor chuckles doesn’t make a comedy. It makes a headache.
I’ll see you all next week!