I’ve made so many jokes about Pauly Shore in the past few months, I felt it was only fair to induct a film of his into Movienalia. “Bio-Dome” is the first one to come to mind, but that’s been done to death. I actually like “Son-In-Law” and don’t have any qualms with “Encino Man” or “In the Army Now”. I don’t like them, but I don’t hate them.
“Jury Duty”, on the other hand, is a head pounding excursion through stupidity. The annoyance of Pauly Shore is on full display, dragging down respectable actors such as Stanley Tucci, Charles Napier and Abe Vigoda in the process. The script is a barren wasteland of moronic humor and insipid dialogue.
Revel in my torture!
-It’s fitting that a Pauly Shore movie is distributed by a company named Weasel Productions.
-More like “Jury Doody”. That’s the only horrible pun I’ll make, I swear!
-Stanley Tucci is in this? Why Stanley, why?!?
-Abe Vigoda must have lost a bet to be in this.
-Charles Napier? Why are good actors dragging their names down by appearing in this?
-Are these SWAT members here to prevent Pauly Shore from making another movie? If so, they’re failing.
-Do male strippers have mommy issues?
-International House of Beefcakes. Does this have any association with IHOP?
-Who the hell would want to see Pauly Shore strip?!?
-The Cream Machine is Pauly Shore’s stripper name. I think I just threw up in my mouth.
-Spitting milk at women is not sexy.
-Pauly Shore is seductively smacking his ass. That’ll replace the whale in my nightmares.
-Pauly Shore is more like a cheesecake.
-Pauly is in a thong. The goggles, they do nothing!
-Did Pauly just give himself a bukake?
-I could have gone my entire life without seeing Pauly Shore rubbing whipped cream on his ass.
-I don’t think trannies would be attracted to Pauly Shore.
-Holy shit! Andrew Dice Clay! It’s hard to believe his film career was worse than Pauly Shore’s.
-Did I just see one of the Von Erichs as a stripper?
-One of the stripper’s names is Thor. He better wear the costume and wield a hammer.
-Pauly Shore is special, but he can’t do anything.
-I’m surprised Andrew Dice Clay’s left nut didn’t have a TV show.
-Being on jury duty is not the same as being a lawyer.
-Being on jury duty doesn’t pave the way for a future job. How dumb is Pauly Shore’s mother in this movie?
-Here I was hoping Charles Napier was going to kick Shore’s ass.
-A truck full of shit would be one filled with Pauly Shore’s entire filmography.
-I’m sure Pauly has spent many nights in dumpsters.
-I don’t want to imagine Pauly Shore partaking in S&M.
-Speaking of High School, how did Pauly Shore graduate?
-If Pauly is going to continually interrupt trials, wouldn’t they kick him out? I highly doubt they’d switch him out for another one.
-Television doesn’t poison the mind, Pauly. Your movies do.
-The Drive-Thru Killer always has it his way.
-I’d rather watch people eat tuna salad than watch this movie.
-Pauly Shore is messing with the bus’ loud speaker. Is he mentally seven years old?
-Tia Carrerre’s career went downhill quickly.
-“Every day is a holiday.” Unfortunately, that holiday is Arbor Day.
-Pauly Shore is throwing wet toilet paper on the ceiling. How many times was he dropped on his head?
-You don’t major in anything in High School.
-Pauly isn’t going to spoon with the dog, is he?
-I believe this movie is garbage.
-How hard is it to pick Pauly Shore up? He can’t be that heavy.
-“Seven lives wasted.” These lives being the ones who paid to see this in the theater.
-A beach fantasy with terrible green screening. Really?
-Me and Pauly Shore have something in common. We both bang our heads against hard surfaces during his movies.
-Pauly taking the whole coffee pot is the only funny gag, so far.
-Did that guy just say Pauly Shore is a fly shaving wood?
-A chicken playing a piano would be more entertaining than this.
-Calling someone a sexy creature and asking to sauna is creepy, not funny.
-Are Pauly Shore and the Drive-Thru Killer playing charades?
-I’d like to make an objection. Pauly Shore isn’t qualified to star in movies.
-Justice TV is like being on jury duty 24/7.
-Is an anchor calling a court session like a football game supposed to be funny?
-Why did his head explode?
-Pauly Shore crashing into a door is this film’s second laugh.
-I shouldn’t be rooting for Pauly Shore to fall off the building, but I am.
-We get it. You’re tired. Shut the hell up!
-How are they having trouble blurring out Pauly’s face in the news? They do that in editing, not live.
-Murder via penis envy is still murder.
-Penis. That’s a funny word. Laugh, damn it!
-“Every day is an orgasm.” The life of a porn star.
-A dog that watches Jeopardy. Cute, but not funny.
-Where did that swan come from and why is it bathing with Pauly Shore?
-“Long live jury duty!” Short-lived career!
-I wonder if Charles Manson has balloons with his face on it.
-Pauly Shore peeing is not a pretty sound.
-Did the cameraman get drunk, all of a sudden?
-“Shut up and let’s vote!” Finally! One of these characters is sane.
-Pauly Shore doing a stereotypical Chinese accent is pathetic.
-Why is Pauly stalling, anyway? All he has to do is go against the vote to keep the trial going.
-Pauly Shore has eaten a lot of bloody tacos in his day.
-Are they going to rape Pauly?
-I highly doubt a nine months pregnant woman would be on jury duty.
-“You’ve done nothing but waste our time.” The general consensus on Pauly Shore’s career.
-Wouldn’t she recognize he’s quoting “12 Angry Men”?
-I hope that dog bites Pauly Shore.
-The last meals menu is the third laugh in the film.
-Pauly Shore is in drag. Just shoot me!
-Pauly Shore’s penis would make most people go crazy.
-Where did that Texas accent come from?
-Stop showing me Pauly Shore’s ass!
-Did Pauly Shore just get raped by the Drive-Thru Killer?
-Do you honestly believe your girlfriend would cheat on you with Pauly Shore?
-I thought he tore those tickets up.
-Dead bodies aren’t an expression, you moron!
-I think tazing a fellow juror would get you in trouble.
-Don’t you dare hint at Pauly Shore and Tia Carrerre getting together. It makes no sense!
-Let me get this straight. By watching a few court movies, Pauly is now becoming an adept lawyer. Fuck this movie!
-This movie is guilty of stupidity.
-I’ll deny that he’s a jolly good foreman.
-Why would Pauly Shore hide his dog downstairs? Why not just leave him in the room?
-The fraud being found out is almost always an annoying cliché. Adding Pauly Shore to the mix makes it worse.
-“I feel so stupid!” So do I after watching a Pauly Shore movie.
-You made Abe Vigoda sad, Pauly! How dare you?!?
-While you’re at the dump, Pauly, why don’t you look for your career. I’m sure it’s there.
-You’re trying to tell me seven people were murdered over non-recyclables? Really?!?
-Stanley Tucci is the murderer? Really?!?
-Come to think of it, Tucci attacked someone at their home. Why did Pauly Shore show up there to find Stanley, when he should’ve been going to his house instead?
-The security guard inadvertently being crushed by books thanks to Pauly Shore is the fourth laugh.
-How did the dog read the sign?
-Why did your mother call you Billy if your name is Frank?
-The tiny dog saved the day. That’s the best you could come up with?
-Asbestos is Stanley Tucci’s kryptonite. Good to know.
-Pauly Shore gets Tia Carrerre. I don’t want to live in this world!
-They couldn’t fit Tommy on to one sign?
-Why would you create a giant check for $5?
-Why do we have to see Pauly Shore stripping again?
-Pauly Shore became a successful attorney thanks to stripping. This movie makes my head hurt.
-The dog being on Jeopardy is stupid, not funny.
That’s “Jury Duty”. A one-note joke that wasn’t funny in the first place. It’s a possibility that losing Pauly Shore and editing the script would have made for a better movie. It does have a surprisingly good cast, who were all here for the money, most likely. If only they were in a better movie. Instead, they’re in a terrible comedy where Pauly Shore’s ass is on full display. How wonderful.
That’s all for this week folks! I’ll see you all next week for the Thanksgiving special.