WWE is slowly becoming a lot like KISS. They’re slapping their brand name on everything, all for a quick buck. I can’t blame them for doing so, as they need to make money. However, some of their products are questionable, to say the least. The scariest part about it is that there’s a good chance these would sell. Hell, I’m next to positive these are selling like crazy:
This one isn’t too asinine an idea, as silly bandz are already a hot commodity. Them being so is insane, to say the least, but not technically WWE’s fault. They’re simply milking the cash cow for all it’s worth. That and the replacement of the letter ‘S’ with ‘Z’ probably takes them back to the Attitude Era, where profit came to them as easily as moths to a light.
Even the designs are pretty cool, though the idea of a child walking around with John Morrison’s sunglasses on his/her arm is hysterical! Can’t imagine teachers being too keen on the Undertaker’s symbol, especially those residing in Salem, Massachusetts. Some may find the Kofi Kingston one offensive, while others will mistake children as big West Coast Choppers fans instead of Triple H fans.
At least kids can get away with wearing terrible accessories. Adults will have a harder time defending themselves for wearing these:
I won’t lie, they’re not gaudy or offensive to the eyes. The Million Dollar Title one looks rather nifty for a ring and most folks will mistake you for a pimp instead of a wrestling fan. That or they’ll think you’re The Godfather. Aside from that one, there’s no denying these are wrestling centric, which isn’t a bad thing.
The Divas Championship one is, though. I can understand wearing the WWE or World Heavyweight ones (though my hatred for the Spinner belt makes me despise that ring), as they’re shiny and draw attention to your hands, which is the point of a ring. Sure, the Divas one will do the same, but for all the wrong reasons.
Granted, the only people wearing it will most likely be women, so the butterfly design won’t be as much of an issue. Even so, it sends the wrong image, as not only are you labeling yourself a diva (which is normally a bad thing), but you’re proclaiming yourself the champion of them. How and why you’ve attained this achievement is suspicious, as is the fact that a freakin’ butterfly is your big earning. Did you challenge a pavilion worker to a quiz duel? If so, please tell me Brian Regan was the referee.
Speaking of hand accessories…
I honestly have nothing against the idea of WWE watches. The Nexus one they’re selling looks fantastic and I’m contemplating getting one for myself (though I most likely never will). The only reason I’m including this John Cena watch in this article is because they missed an obvious joke; the watch should have “My Time Is Now” printed on it. How do you miss that golden opportunity?!?
Sticking with the hand accessories (WWEShop must have a hand fetish)…
Before you chastise me for this induction, let me explain why this product is monumentally stupid. Replicating CM Punk’s wrist straps is extremely simple and cheap to do. All you do is buy a pair of gloves, get a marker and draw an “X” on them. This would cost you five bucks, at best. How much is WWEShop selling them for? Twelve dollars and that’s not including shipping and handling.
The only difference with their version is that CM Punk’s name is splashed at the bottom. And even that could be easily created. Get a red marker, write CM Punk on the bottom and voila, you’ve got yourself a pair of CM Punk wrist straps! Why you need them in the first place is beyond me.
Why you would need a plaque commemorating Wrestlemania XXVII also baffles me. Especially one for a match that didn’t take place on the event.
Are you like me and still fuming over the fact that Sheamus and Daniel Bryan’s match got bumped off the card? If so, now you can remind yourself every single day for the low price of twenty dollars (which is actually cheap, since the other three sell for one hundred)! This has to be WWE’s way of taunting the IWC, as the only three other plaques available are of Miz/Cena, Edge/Del Rio and Taker/HHH. Unless this was their way of apologizing to Sheamus and Bryan. If so, that’s hilariously pathetic!
Not as hilariously pathetic as the poster for this year’s Money in the Bank, which you can now own.
I’ve lied awake at night wishing that I had Big Show and Hornswoggle reading a pop-up book was adorning my wall, comforting me throughout the night. If I woke up thanks to a bad dream, I could simply look to my wall and be calmed down by the world’s most height differential couple since Hayden Panettiere and any of her exes.
Protecting me from wetting the bed would be these comfortable shorts:
Technically, these are board shorts, which are meant to be worn on the beach. For all intent and purposes, there’s nothing wrong with these. The one above you, however, is a bit disturbing. John Cena, who is extremely close to your crotch, has his game face on (or his “O” face, your choice), with the word “Raw” draped also very close to your crotch. Maybe I’m just reading into this too much, but this rubs me the wrong way (there’s a joke in there somewhere). The only thing that would make this worse is if the phrase, “You Can’t See Me”, was attached as well. At least that would be dispersing the truth.
All of these products pale in comparison to the ones that follow, which are the main reason this article was made. Out of all the moronic cash-ins in the history of marketing, this takes the cake. Ladies and gentlemen (and Dan Lashley), I present to you…
…John Cena and Undertaker lawn gnomes! You know, because it’s been the dream of every wrestling fan for their garden to be covered with hideously inaccurate depictions of their favorite wrestlers. The Undertaker barely even resembles the Deadman. He looks more like a greasy biker from a cheesy 60’s drive-in movie than an MMA Zombie.
The John Cena one may be inaccurate now, but I do believe that’s what he’ll look like once old age kicks in. If so, whomever made this product needs to be congratulated on being a wizard. Then they shall be beaten for making such a shoddy product.
The worst part of it all is that they didn’t make a Hornswoggle lawn gnome. This is the perfect tie-in for his character and you blow it! No, you were too busy putting him on the Money in the Bank poster instead, since ladder matches automatically bring to mind creepy leprechauns. I thought missing the obvious pun on the John Cena watch was bad. This one is inexcusable!
There you have it, folks. Crap you never thought of buying is now at your fingertips, waiting to eat a hole in your bank account. Who needs to pay bills when you have your John Cena and Undertaker lawn buddies keeping you company as you beg for change on the side of a dirt road. Maybe you’ll be able to raise enough money and save up for a Crazy Inflatable Flailing Arm John Cena, as that’s what they’re probably working on next.