The Frozen Envelope: Conference Championship Edition
By Zachary Rettig
First and foremost, I kinda have to include this video, don’t I?
Goes double cause the Colts have made it this far, but I’m getting away from my point. Anyway, it’s the most wonderful time of the year for NFL fans the world over: after this weekend, we’ll know just who’s gonna be playing in Super Bowl 49 in Glendale.
With Ryan Lindley around, Mexicans are now only Public Enemy #2 in Arizona.
So what this article aims to do is give a preview of both Conference Championship matchups this Sunday. So let’s get started with…well, if history’s any indication, neither of these games will be very close, so let’s default to our defending champs. The spread will be included for you degenerates out there who gamble on this sort of thing.
NFC Championship Game: Green Bay Packers (+ 7.5) at Seattle Seahawks
(Watch me get through this without bitching about the Cowboys.)
Where we left off: These two teams kicked off the 2014-2015 season in Seattle with Aaron Rodgers (the presumable MVP) at 100%. And what happened? The reigning champs roll over the Pack 36-16. Again, I say, with Aaron Rodgers at 100%! Aaron Rodgers is playing on a gimpy calf this week. If you don’t think Seattle’s defense isn’t licking their chops at that news, you’re insane.
And we can’t forget about this guy:
Dominates turkey legs like he dominated Mike Crabtree.
Sherman caused a bit of a stir after that Week 1 game when he claimed that Rodgers was “scared” to throw to his end of the field. And on sheer video evidence, he can’t be all wrong: Rodgers basically played with half a football field in that game. This game? With a Super Bowl spot on the line? No way he can afford to cut the field in half like he did in Week 1.
Anyway, if the Pack have any sort of puncher’s chance in this one, it rests with running back Eddie Lacy (who reportedly played through an asthma attack against Dallas last Sunday) and wideout Jordy Nelson. Two of Green Bay’s most explosive offensive weapons.
Green Bay wins if: Lacy and Nelson come up big, Rodgers remains effective through the injury, and Green Bay’s defense holds off Wilson and Lynch.
Seattle wins if: The defense can keep neutralize Rodgers (a hurt Rodgers is still better than most of the league’s QBs), and Beast Mode does Beast Mode Things.
Something To Consider: Two weeks ago against Detroit, Dallas advances (at least in part) due to a controversial reversal of a Pass Interference call. Last week, Dallas loses (at least in part) due to a controversial invocation of the “Calvin Johnson Rule” on their last-gasp drive late in the 4th. Mojo and the laws of time and space seem to suggest that another controversy surrounding a pass will happen.
Well, not that one, but hey, this seems to be a trend.
The Pick: Seattle.
AFC Championship Game: Indianapolis Colts (+ 6.5) at New England Patriots
(Let us take a moment to appreciate Andrew Luck’s beard.)
If Luck had been a Civil War general, they only would’ve won after a rally in 1865.
Where we left off: Hoo boy, have the Patriots had Indy’s number these past few years. Last year in the Divisional Round, Indianapolis is coming in flush with confidence after their exhilarating comeback win over Kansas City on Wild Card Weekend. And what happens to our plucky underdogs?
Please note: This is the last time LeGarrette Blount will be relevant before his adventures with the ganja.
Alright, that didn’t go so well. Indy gets gashed by a somewhat unheralded running back, but no big deal. People have known Blount was pretty good. So let’s flash-forward, Lost style, to Week 11 this year. The Colts are coming off their bye-week and have, at least in theory, learned a lesson or two from their Iron Sheik-esque humbling in last year’s Playoffs. So what happens next?
Please note: This will be the last time Jonas Gray will be relevant, period.
Yikes! From bad to worse. Bad enough to be slice-and-diced by LeGarrette Blount (who was at least a known commodity), but to be slice-and-diced by Jonas Gray? Jonas F***ing Gray? The Colts are cursed.
But I do digress. Indy does have something resembling momentum after winning at Denver (though that one has a big-ass asterisks on it), and with Andrew Luck behind center, you can never be really out of a game.
On the other hand, it’s Tom Brady playing at home. With a fully-healthy Rob Gronkowski at his disposal. And with Julian Edelman liable to do Julian Edelman things. And he just vanquished one of his biggest sources of playoff bad juju in Joe Flacco and the Ravens last week. Watch the Colts get carved up by Shane Vereen or something. Because the universe is cruel like that.
Indianapolis wins if: Luck doesn’t make any major mistakes (remember, he started off last year’s Playoff matchup with an interception), Reggie Wayne produces, and the defense manages to hold the Patriots attack off.
New England wins if: Brady produces the prototypical Tom Brady Big Game, and Indy’s run defense remains porous as advertised.
Something To Consider: Did you know that Peyton Manning has as many playoff one-and-dones (9) as Tom Brady has NFC title game appearances (9)? Kinda puts the whole Brady-Manning debate to bed, doesn’t it? You know, outside the head-to-head record thing?
The pick: New England
So yeah, not very daring, am I? Regardless, we should, emphasis on that, get a good Sunday of playoff football. And hey, maybe some magic will happen. Any Given Sunday isn’t just a slogan on T-shirts.
Two Minute Drill: All the news we couldn’t fit.
So maybe we were wrong about Ohio State…Duke has lost twice in a row. Savor these moments, for they are rare (at least before March)…In other “Teams we didn’t expect to be good” news…And let’s not mince words: The Knicks are even worse than Philadelphia.