We here at Wrestletaint.gov apologize for the three-week absence. We had some minor issues with the federal government that we were trying to iron out we rather not discuss (rhymes with yaxes).
Anyway, when we returned from prison, we were surprised to find a lot of e-mails regarding inquiries about WWE, TNA, the Network, television contracts, great travel offers and, of course, hardcore porn. As you probably know, we refuse to connect through Twitter. We find most of the people there to be…off putting if we have to put it eloquently. Anyway, let’s just dive right into the questions.
“What’s the deal with the WWE not putting Daniel Bryan in the main event? Are they run by a bunch of incompetent baboons?”
– Aberdeendragon@yahoo.com
As far as we know, there are no baboons in the McMahon family other than Shane’s pet baboon, Sprinkles, he owned from 1985 to 1986.
Regarding the first question, the deal is simple. The people who run WWE think they are smarter than you. Obviously, because you didn’t submit an IQ test result that accompanied your e-mail, we cannot say whether this is true or not.
What is true though is that Daniel Bryan has been friendzoned by the WWE. They like him, but they don’t want to commit to them because they’re not attracted to him sexually….well….maybe sexually isn’t the right word we’re looking for. I’m sure somebody in the front office has had a sex dream about him. Once we find out, we’ll let you and everyone else know.
“Seriously. What is up with CM Punk? Why hasn’t he done any interviews? I demand to know answers! He owes the entire wrestling world that.”
– pudf1ster76@gmail.com
CM Punk is on a sabbatical. Not the kind of sabbatical a priest takes. AJ Lee knows what I’m talking about, am I right?
Regarding Punk’s silence, it’s well documented Punk is a private guy. It took us eight months just to discover that his favorite movie is the 1990 flick “Mermaids” starring Cher, Winona Ryder and the impeccable Bob Hoskins.
It’s likely Punk will eventually share his side of the story. Or not. It’s possible he’s embarrassed by the way he acted and decided that he’s too ashamed to apologize to Vince. It’s also possible that he flashed Triple H and Stephanie. Maybe it was Linda. Maybe somebody caught him stealing condoms out of Michael Hayes’ fanny pack. Quite frankly, we here at Wrestletaint.gov want CM Punk to confirm or deny our theory that he did or did not steal condoms out of Michael Hayes’ fanny pack.
“I’m concerned about glitches regarding the WWE Network. What do you think their fall back plan is regarding excessive traffic for Wrestlemania? Imagine these problems happening in China.”
– notshanemcmahon@shenghai.ch
You should be worried. Much like anything in life, there’s gonna be problems. Lots of them. But eventually things will work themselves out. Well, once they get more competent people involved to fix those problems.
What’s interesting to us is that the WWE is usually good at starting up ideas, but usually begin to screw it all up weeks later. They suffer from the same problems SNL sketches have. So if things start out sluggish, we could be reaching DEFCON status on April 6th.
Here’s what we know regarding contingency plans. They have none. Vince has a panic room he uses when things get pretty rough for him. Like when the XFL went south. Or when he’s given a subpoena for a paternity test. Or when his daughter has ideas on how to improve revenue streams. Basically, he’s there about 45% of the time.
“That jackass Terry (Hogan) is back. Why?”
– MilFyLindaondaprowl@hotmail.com
Because Hulk Hogan is arguably the most important commodity in the history of professional wrestling. And he’s broke. Not broke like he sleeps on a Murphy bed in a motel run by a guy who only owns wifebeater t-shirts. Rich broke. Which means he lives in a mansion and has a nice car, but can’t afford to pay Brian Knobbs $500 to wax his butthole every four days. Hogan likes his wiping to be very smooth so he’s being forced to make sacrifices these days you guys.
“So….Batista. That really blew up in their face didn’t it?”
– showoffsince80@xfinity.com
It sure did. It probably would have worked if they had brought him in as a surprise entrant. But the whole booking process has been an unmitigated disaster. We know that during the negotiation process of Big Dave’s contract, these were the provisions in his two-year deal.
– Royal Rumble win
– Wrestlemania main event slot
– Minimum one WWE title win
– Unlimited WWE title opportunities (The Contra Clause)
– State of the art tour bus
– Per diem for bro-centric wardrobe
– DVD of seasons 1-3 of “Diagnosis: Murder”
– State of the art tour bus
“Have you heard anything about Evan Bourne?
evanbournesmom@altavista.com
Nothing. Strange too. We thought he would be back by now. The biggest mistake he made was being 5’8″.
“Stocks are doing great! Should I invest in WWE?
-jimcramer@cnbc.com
I wouldn’t trust WWE shares. They tend to fluctuate like Oprah’s weight. Things are great right now, but make no mistake. Sooner than later, Vince is gonna want to get back into pro football or worse….bodybuilding.
“How often are you actually gonna write articles?”
-freakinawesomenetworkeditor@wordpress.com
It takes take to put together these articles. We’re not built like Dave Meltzer’s machine. And besides, do people really want us to write 900 word essays on our uncertainty over CM Punk? We can explain it in one sentence. CM Punk left and nobody knows when he’s coming back.
Side note, we are working on a CM Punk expose over his plans to move to the Chicago SUBURBS. Still waiting back from a realtor.
TAINTBITS: How bad of shape is TNA in you ask? Dixie was seen on PBS’ “Antiques Roadshow” trying to see what the value is of an original X-Division title…..Alexander Rusev will likely make his official debut at Wrestlemania against audience apathy…..The WWE Network is planning on airing the unofficial documentary on the making of Randy Savage’s early 90s ring attire. The issue WWE was having regarding airing the film was all of the full frontal nudity…..speaking of full frontal nudity, former WWE mainstay Buff Bagwell will be seen on Showtime’s semi-reality series “Gigolo” later this month where he will offer his services to have sex with ugly women and maybe attractive men depending on where its inserted…..Daniel Bryan will be on the front cover of vegan/frisbee magazine “Salad Tossers” for the April 2014 edition. There is no interview…..John Cena, while endorsing his new training video thingee that will undoubtedly fail, admitted that he is still miffed over the cancellation of Kate Walsh’s hit drama series “Private Practice” last spring…..Maryse and the Miz got married. We were told like matches involving the Miz, the wedding was kinda blah