It’s amazing how badly Dale Resteghini fails in directing “Da Hip Hop Witch”! While the idea of a “Blair Witch Project” spoof starring rappers may not sound good on paper, there’s promise for it to be marginally entertaining. Especially considering big names such as Eminem, Ja Rule, Vanilla Ice, Mobb Deep, The Outsidaz, Rah Digga & Vitamin C (among others) were all roped into the project. They play themselves and basically just talk about their experiences with Da Hip Hop Witch (who also goes by the name Black Witch). Hilarity is supposed to ensue.
The premise itself isn’t bad. Legend has it Da Hip Hop Witch targets famous rappers and kills them via impersonating a femme fatale or offering them free drugs. Rappers such as Eminem and Ja Rule talk about their experiences with her and warn everybody to avoid her. Eminem is so afraid of her that he’s locked himself in his recording studio with some buddies and a cameraman. He talks about how he drank hot butter with eggs in it and getting a finger up his ass. This is the pinnacle of the humor, folks.
To spice things up, Resteghini introduces Dee Dee Washington (Stacii Jae Johnson), a young reporter who’s investigating the urban legend. She believes music producers have concocted Da Hip Hop Witch in order to boost record sales. Records show that those involved with the witch (whether it be death or simple encounters) have seen their sales increase. A novel idea, but it’s told so dryly that you beg for the witch to appear and put you out of your misery.
There’s also a subplot about five white people (and their pug) from Salem, Massachusetts who travel down to New York City to find Da Hip Hop Witch and receive a cash reward. They’re constantly forgotten about, only to reappear when it suit’s the plot. For instance, they’re brought back near the end to redo the famous tent scene, but the humor involved is so lame you wish they remained forgotten about.
Resteghini goes back and forth between these three subplots with no rhyme or rhythm. They start to intersect near the end thanks to more focus being shined on the producers, but that only leads to more bland humor. The only moment I laughed in the film was when Vanilla Ice was being interviewed outside of a KFC. That’s only because I found it funny that’s where he was hanging out, which I’m sure was unintentional. An attempted joke later is him being interrupted while getting a tattoo by a crazy fan who says he’s a director and has a project for him. That’s the joke. There’s no punch line.
Resteghini hopes that the audience will get wrapped up in the mystery. He tries to create intrigue by making us question whether or not Da Hip Hop Witch is fact or fiction. At times it seems as if the producers did indeed make her up. Other times we get a POV shot of the supposed witch hunting down rappers and huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf. A rap version of “Little Red Riding Hood” may have been more enjoyable.
I knew going into this film that it would be bad. Many sources have said so. I just didn’t expect it to be this awful. It’s dreadfully boring and moves along at a snail’s pace. The hour and twenty minute runtime seems endless. I kept expecting a few jokes to hit, even if lightly. That never happened. They’re all basically the same, creating a repetitive and painstaking experience.
Final Rating: F