If you’re going to have a talking cat in your film, give it something to do. Have it solve crimes, play practical jokes, host a talk show; I don’t care! At least give it an objective that justifies an hour and a half runtime. Don’t just stick a cat on the screen, have it talk occasionally and call it a day. What I’m trying to say is don’t be David DeCoteau!
I refuse to believe Andrew Helm’s script was as dense as it was on screen. Knowing DeCoteau’s latest line of work (borderline softcore pornography that barely utilizes a plot to show off ripped men), I wouldn’t be surprised if he was offered the script of “A Talking Cat!?!”, accepted and then sat on his ass while filming. How else can you explain the aimless wandering the actors partake in? It didn’t seem as if anybody was telling them what to do. They were probably told to make things up as they go along.
It’s not like any of them have a problem. At least nothing serious. Phil (Johnny Whitaker) has just sold his computer hardware business and is slipping into retirement. His son, Chris (Justin Cone), is helping tutor Frannie (Alison Sieke) in English and has a crush on her, but is socially awkward. Susan (Kristine DeBell) is a single mother raising two twins, Tina (Janis Pebbles) & Trent (Daniel Dannas). The daughter is a computer wiz working on her own program (something about fashion coordination), while Trent isn’t sure what he wants to do with his life. He helps his mom out around the house, who can really need it right now. She’s in talks with a toy company on possibly getting a job. All she needs is to nail this one meeting.
Where does the talking cat fit into all of this, you ask? Duffy (voice of Eric Roberts) strolls into the houses of the two families whenever he pleases. It turns out he can talk, meaning the title isn’t a lie. It is a bit misleading, as it makes you think he can always talk. He can only talk to a human once. That means he can only talk to Phil once, only to Chris once and so on and so forth. It’s never explained why this is the case. The only explanation we get is, “I don’t make the rules!” Except a writer and a director can make the rules in a story. DeCoteau & Helm are just lazy.
Duffy is a human whisperer as described by himself. He has been sent here to help out our protagonists, despite the fact that they all seem genuinely smart. I do question Susan’s business methods, though. She freaks out on her daughter at one point because the cheese puffs she made for the meeting got tarnished (they were dropped by Phil, thus negating it being Tina’s fault). She feels her chances of getting the business deal is now ruined. Her daughter brings up the fact that, if the business deal got dropped, it wouldn’t be because of the cheese puffs not being made. She’s correct in thinking this, but Susan yells at her and blames the possible loss on this. Despite the fact that, if she doesn’t get the job, it has nothing to do with fucking cheese puffs!
How exactly is Duffy helping these people out? By bringing them together! He tells Phil to go for a walk in the woods, which brings him to Susan. They’re compatible because they live close, are old and single and like Humphrey Bogart movies (though they never mention a single title, only genres, leading me to believe they’ve never seen a Bogart film). This also brings Phil to Tina, who Duffy just hooked her up with his website. She gives him her computer program and the two work together on it.
Chris is told to stop being so shy and try to connect with his father. He feels they have nothing in common, in which Duffy tells him they’ve both talked to a cat. The idea of them being crazy is comforting to Chris and he tries harder with his father. It’s as terrible as it sounds. When he gets around to asking about Frannie, Duffy bails. He eventually talks to Trent and tells him to have confidence in himself and he’ll find his place soon. This soon leads to Trent teaching Chris how to swim, which was why he was so adamant against swimming with Frannie. Now that he can swim, they can now be together. Because, as we all know, the root of a relationship is in swimming!
This is white people problems to a tee! There’s no serious dilemma, outside of Susan’s career aspirations. Even then, there’s no drama involved as she clearly is financially set to live in a nice house and raise two kids. That and her occupation is never really explained. Everything else is lackadaisical. There’s no reason for it to be the plot of a movie, let alone one where a talking cat saves them. I use the word “saves” very loosely. There is a situation where Duffy gets run over by a car and they need to find his magical collar to cure him, but that comes out of nowhere near the end and doesn’t make a lick of sense. Oh, and spoiler alert. Whatever!
“A Talking Cat!?!” isn’t even laughably bad. There are only three minor aspects that are funny for the wrong reasons. Eric Roberts voice acting (it sounds as if he recorded his dialogue on his cell phone while doing chores around the house), the way the cat’s mouth moves (think the way the characters’ mouths move in “South Park”, except even worse) and how DeCoteau throws a washrag around Duffy’s neck after he gets run over to show his injury. None of this is enough to even qualify this film as a fun failure. It’s simply a failure and a mind numbing one at that!
Final Rating: F