Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! For those that don’t follow the Talk Without Rhythm podcast (which you all should), they’ve recently done what they called “Arnie April”. All month, they’ve been reviewing two Arnold Schwarzenegger films a week. To commemorate this, I decided to throw my hat into the game and induct an Arnold film into Movienalia.
While they’ve been covering good Arnold films (“Conan the Destroyer” and “Red Sonja” aside), I naturally chose a bad one. I’ve already covered “Batman & Robin” and felt there wasn’t much to add to “Junior” or “Jingle All the Way” (which I would save for December, anyway). I decided to go way back to Arnold’s early career and choose his first starring role. That being “Hercules in New York”.
So kick back, relax, do your best Arnold impersonation and enjoy my torture of “Hercules in New York”!
-“Far in the dim past when myth and history merged into mystery and the Gods of fable and the primitive beliefs of man dwelt on ancient Mount Olympus in antique Greece, a legendary hero walked God-like upon the Earth.” This is how Donald Trump is introduced every morning when he steps into his office.
-I thought this was “Hercules in New York”, not “Hercules in a Greek Day Spa”.
-“I have been here thousands of years. I am bored.” I’ve been watching this movie for only a minute and I’m already bored.
-Arnold is tired of the same old routine. Film critics would use this same reasoning against him in the nineties.
-Arnold is being credited as Arnold Strong. Get it? Because he’s strong. You should be thanking me for breaking that complex brain twister for you.
-If only these long opening credits were the end credits.
-It’s ironic. Arnold wants to go to America so badly, yet he wouldn’t allow others with that same passion to come during his reign as Governor of California.
-“Why you offensive puppy!” What?!?
-Zeus just threw a lightning bolt (that looked like it was made out of rubber) at Hercules and he exploded. This was a quick movie!
-Zeus just said he wished he’d never met his wife and never had Hercules. Burn?
-Hercules is flying by a plane and messing with the passengers. This is what Arnold does in his free time.
-“He was very handsome and had big muscles.” One of these compliments isn’t used much to describe Arnold. Can you guess which one?
-The old lady’s friend is blaming her outburst on seeing Greek statues. You know, because Greek statues tend to make people believe that men fly by airplane windows and wave hello.
-“Juno has hated Hercules ever since the day of his birth.” Ellen Page and Michael Cera named their child Hercules?
-Hercules was swimming in the middle of the ocean and some sailors saved him. If I see a hulking man swimming in the middle of the ocean, I’m going to let him be. Can’t take any chances on what he’ll do to me.
-“No man is superior to Hercules.” Hulk Hogan disproved of that on “Saturday Night’s Main Event”.
-The ship is sailing to New York. Who would have guessed?
-Hercules is beating up a bunch of sailors. Another activity Arnold does in his free time.
-Arnold attacked the sailors because he didn’t want to work. When Arnold does it, he gets a paycheck. When I do it, I get arrested. What blatant discrimination!
-Why are they demanding Hercules work for them? He’s not employed by them. Sure, they saved him. But, that doesn’t give them the right to force him to work.
-The captain is offering twenty dollars to whomever can take down Hercules. You’d have to add another few zeros in their for me to even make an attempt.
-Hercules grabbed a conveniently placed block of wood and is wailing men with it. This is how a lot of trips to New York City go.
-Hercules had a block of wood broken on him and it didn’t even phase him. They should have tried breaking a crate over his head.
-Hercules grabbed a forklift and is preventing the operator from driving. He believes it’s a chariot. Thus begins the dreaded “fish out of water” humor. I can’t wait until he meets a model and mistakes her for a mistress.
-Hercules hitched a cab ride with a pretzel vendor. What an odd couple.
-“They call me Pretzy because I sell pretzels on the waterfront.” I never would have figured that out. Thanks for explaining it!
-Hercules is mistaking a vendor named Apollo for one of the Greek Gods. This better not be the only type of material we’re dealt with.
-Hercules thinks pretzels are food for the Gods. How long until he calls Coca-Cola the drink of the Gods?
-Hercules’ first stop in New York is Central Park. Maybe he’ll drop by Central Perk and grab a cup of coffee with a few friends.
-Hercules doesn’t understand the concept of money. I’m going to need stitches, I’m laughing so hard. Scratch that. I’m going to need stitches for the wound in my head from banging my head against the wall.
-“Hercules doesn’t need money.” He has muscles. That’ll get him anything he wants.
-Hercules beat up the cab driver and flipped his cab. You’re supposed to call the number on the car and complain when you have a problem, Arnold.
-Hercules is laughing at the athletes training in the park. Pretzy called him out and said he can’t beat them because they’re champions. Have you taken a look at Hercules? That’s like saying Bruce Lee can’t hold his own with black belts in a dojo in Vancouver.
-“I am Hercules.” This excuse seems to get him out of trouble constantly. I’m going to try it myself the next time I’m in trouble.
-“Put that discus down!” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in my life.
-Hercules threw the discus far. Can you feel the excitement?
-Hercules is excelling at all track and field sports. The only thing he’s not excelling at is making this film compelling.
-Pretzy has fifty dollars riding on Hercules. I have two fingers driven into my eyes trying to relinquish the pain from this boredom.
-Pretzy just mistook tea for drugs. What the hell was going on in the late sixties that someone could mistake tea for drugs? Oh yeah…
-Hercules and Pretzy are having tea with the Professor of the college kids Herc just trampled and his daughter. If Hercules falls in love with his daughter, I’ll throw myself through a window.
-Pretzy is messing with the Professor’s antiques, using one of them as a backscratcher. Stop intruding on Arnold’s material!
-Of course the Professor has a book on Greek Gods.
-Hercules is staring strangely at the Professor’s daughter. I don’t think they’re going to fall in love. I think he’s going to rape her.
-According to Pretzy, complimenting is no way to talk to a dame. I wonder why he’s single.
-“That’s not the way you talk to a broad.” You insult her and demand she make you a sandwich. That’s the American way.
-The professor’s daughter invited her boyfriend over, who just so happens to be one of the athletes Hercules embarrassed earlier. Coincidence? I think not!
-“Is he your lover?” Congratulations, Arnold! You just made me laugh. Have a cookie!
-“Hey fella, watch your talk.” “I can hear my talk, I can’t watch it.” Hercules has a point.
-“A beautiful woman who has a handsome friend. They must be lovers.” If only that’s how it worked.
-Ms. Camden’s boyfriend punched Hercules in the gut. He had about as much success with that as the Detroit Lions had with Rod Marinelli.
-Hercules is giving Ms. Camden’s boyfriend a bear hug. Or, as Arnold calls it, a friendly gesture.
-“His last name is Zeus. It rhymes with booze.” No it doesn’t.
-Zeus is watching Hercules in New York through a crystal ball. Even he is displeased.
-The Professor called Hercules assault on his daughter’s boyfriend amusing, primitive and refreshing. He must moonlight as a lawyer.
-If a man injures my daughter’s boyfriend, I don’t want to get to know him better. Just doesn’t seem like a good idea.
-Ms. Camden just spent the last few minutes complaining about Hercules, only to end her rant by gleefully announcing she’s going to dinner with him. I guess it is true; women love bad boys.
-We just panned from a zoo to Hercules and Ms. Camden’s date. The point of the zoo shot was…?
-Ms. Camden had a wonderful evening with Hercules and is all smiles. The fact that he didn’t put her in a bear hug was a plus for her.
-“Are you homesick?” Nope. Just sick of this movie.
-One of the bears escaped from the zoo. Hercules will save the day by hugging him.
-Hercules and Ms. Camden have about as much chemistry together as George Clooney and Roseanne Barr.
-When Ms. Camden was young, she spent her time reading about Mount Olympus. That explains her dull personality.
-The bear is attacking Hercules. The two are hugging it out.
-I haven’t seen a man destroy a monster in a rubber suit this badly since Roland Emmerich made “Godzilla”.
-Hercules won! The audience lost!
-Hercules is being scouted by a wrestling promoter. This must be where Vince McMahon took notes.
-Wait a minute. All we get to see are a few card rundowns and Hercules’ hand raised in victory? How lazy!
-“I saw your boy Hercules wrestle last night.” Stop rubbing it in.
-Fat Lips and Nitro may be the worst names for two wrestling promoters ever.
-“That boy of yours is a comer.” I’d make a joke, but it’s too easy.
-Pretzy is being pressured into selling Hercules over to Fat Lips and Nitro. Considering he’s not Hercules’ manager, they don’t need his signature. All they need is Hercules. These may be the dumbest wrestling promoters I’ve ever seen!
-Pretzy is drowning his sorrows in booze. The audience is doing the same.
-Back on Mount Olympus, Zeus is speaking with Nemesis. I’m tempted to make a remark on how a woman is named Nemesis and not a man. I’ll refrain myself because I’m not a sexist.
-Zeus is sending Nemesis to New York to punish Hercules. If they want to punish him, they should make him watch this movie.
-“Hercules has been trying my patience for centuries.” He’s been trying my patience for about forty minutes. I guess I should count myself lucky.
-Mercury has convinced Zeus to allow him to go to New York to convince Hercules to come back to Mount Olympus. Riveting.
-Juno is a bitch who doesn’t like Hercules. I get it. Stop shoving it down my throat.
-Hercules sees a movie poster promoting a “Hercules” movie and is throwing a fit. Arnold would do the same thing years later whenever he’d see a movie poster for a Sylvester Stallone movie.
-Hercules is flexing in fronting of the poster to prove the actor in the movie doesn’t look like him. Another thing Arnold would do years later in front of Sylvester Stallone movie posters.
-“Did your mother ever drop you on your head when you were a baby?” Ms. Camden just asked Hercules this question. This won’t end well for her.
-Hercules laughed it off. He must be in love.
-How does Hercules know how to use a camera?
-Hercules is dumbfounded by America’s food industry. I’m dumbfounded at how this got greenlit.
-Hercules and Ms. Camden are falling in love. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw myself through a window.
-A chopper is arriving in New York. I wonder if Arnold is going to get in it.
-How did Mercury board the chopper? You know what, I don’t care.
-Hercules refuses to return to Olympus, while Pretzy listens in confused. It’s very simple, Pretzy. Hercules left Olympus to come to New York to make a terrible movie. This rightfully angered Zeus, who has sent Mercury to Earth to retrieve him and end this torture.
-“You are living a fallacy.” Arnold would hear this a lot during his run as Governor.
-“You are confusing these mortals with your behavior.” He’s not confusing us. Just boring us.
-Mercury is going back to Olympus, Nemesis will be coming to Earth. Maybe her presence will spice things up a bit. Wishful thinking, I know.
-Ms. Camden believes Hercules is demented. Yet, she swoons for him. Make up your mind, lady!
-Ms. Camden’s boyfriend (ex?) likes Hercules, too. Why? He cracked two of your ribs and apparently stole your girlfriend. What reason do you have to like him? Did he buy you an ice cream cone?
-Pretzy is freaking out about seeing Mercury jump out of the window and flying. I bet that lady from the plane earlier will blame it on Greek statues.
-The Professor is blaming Pretzy’s delusion on booze. Funny, that’s what I’m blaming the script on.
-Zeus was so angry about Hercules’ refusal to come home that he set the garden on fire. What a dick!
-Juno is trying to convince Nemesis to give Hercules a harsh punishment. Is it wrong that I’m on her side?
-Juno just implied that they may make Hercules a president. Too many jokes!
-Juno has convinced Nemesis to take away all of Hercules’ powers, thus making him like any other mortal man. A mortal man that looks like a Greek statue, but still.
-Nemesis spiked Hercules’ drink, thus taking away his power. His personality remains the same.
-Hercules’ original punishment was going to be exiled to a hellish are led by a God named Pluto for one hundred years. When New York City is looked upon as the more devious torture, you know the city has problems.
-Pluto has come to Earth to capture Hercules and bring him to Hell (that’s what I’m referring to it as). This is Juno’s idea. But, I thought it was her idea to leave him stranded in New York with no powers. Screw it! I’m not going to try and make heads or tails of this.
-Pluto, a scrawny man, is trying to measure up to Hercules by flexing. The only thing he can measure up with Hercules is in low intelligence.
-Fat Lips and Nitro are back. Remember them?
-Pluto is cutting a deal with the promoters. I guess what they say is true; wrestling promoters are devils.
-Pluto is betting that Hercules will lose his next wrestling match because he lost his powers. If only he knew how professional wrestling worked.
-Pluto’s power is he can turn off lights. Congratulations! You’ve made Aquaman seem cool.
-Hercules is being massaged by Pretzy. This is slightly disturbing.
-Is a chunky, out of shape wrestling promoter really trying to intimidate Hercules? That’s like Pee Wee Herman trying to punk out Randy Couture.
-So, we don’t get to see a wrestling match, but we do get to see a weight lifting contest. I feel ripped off!
-The television host just said that Hercules and Monstro will clean and jerk five hundred pounds. That just sounds filthy.
-Hercules lifted the five hundred pound weight with ease. All they took away was his superhuman strength. He still has human strength. What a stunning revelation.
-Hercules lifted seven hundred and fifty pounds with ease. The only thing he can’t lift is my attention.
-Why did Monstro have more trouble lifting seven hundred and fifty pounds than a thousand pounds?
-Not being able to lift a thousand pounds doesn’t make Hercules an average mortal man. Juno just proved she has the intelligence of a fruit fly.
-“Father, this is terrible!” You just now figured that out?
-Zeus can’t figure out how Hercules lost all of his powers when that wasn’t his decree. How hard is it to figure out that Juno, who has spent the entire movie voicing her disdain for Hercules, is behind all of this? Helen Keller could figure this out.
-The promoters are chasing after Ms. Camden and the professor. This is drawing them away from Hercules. Can I follow them too?
-Hercules just stole a chariot to chase after the promoters and save Ms. Camden. This is the closest I’m going to get to seeing a horse and buggy chase.
-I haven’t seen a chase scene this slow since the tortoise went after the hare.
-“Where is everybody?” They snuck in to the theater next door to watch a better film.
-Either Pluto or one of the promoters lunged at Hercules, but missed drastically. A vaccinated man’s sperm has better aim for it’s target than he does.
-The chariot broke, so Hercules and Pretzy hitched a ride with the Camdens. Isn’t he supposed to be going after the promoters? They’re not far behind. Why not just wait and take them on?
-The man who’s chariot was stolen chased Hercules into the park. Chasing the chariot driver was the hot dog vendor, who just had to put the sauerkraut on the man’s hot dog. That’s the joke, folks. A hot dog vendor chasing down a chariot driver through New York City to put sauerkraut on his hot dog. This should give you all hope. If a script like this can be greenlit, then yours has a great chance, as well.
-“We’re out of gas!” How convenient.
-Nemesis is being called out by Zeus. She’s basically hinting at Juno commanding her to take away Hercules’ powers, but Zeus can’t figure it out. How clueless is he?
-Did Hercules and company all run back to the building they came from? What’s the point of that?
-The promoters are trying to throw Hercules off a tall building. Why hasn’t anybody thought of that up until this point?
-“I thought best to save a lot of trouble.” If you wanted to save a lot of trouble, you would have burned the script to this movie.
-Zeus finds out Juno took away Hercules’ powers and does nothing about it. I’ve never seen a man more whipped.
-“Hercules is in great peril.” Thank you, Captain Obvious!
-Mercury is going to get Atlas and Samson to help Hercules. They’ll combat this movie’s greatest enemies, Siskel and Ebert.
-It was that easy to send two Gods down to help Hercules? Why didn’t his concerned brothers and sisters do that sooner?
-There were only four promoters after Hercules. Why are there dozens, all of a sudden?
-“How dare you go above my head?” Everybody’s been going above your head, Zeus. It’s not that hard to do, apparently.
-Hercules isn’t as helpless as a child as a mortal man. He could easily lift seven hundred and fifty pounds without his powers. What child can do that?
-“When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.” Zeus just burned Juno.
-Hercules’ best defense so far in this film was tipping over a ladder. He didn’t even need strength to do it. He’ll be fine without his powers.
-Zeus gave Hercules his powers back. The one person who stayed through until the end of this will be pleased.
-Hercules dumps barrels on the promoters and saves the day. Blah.
-Hercules and Pretzy are standing on top of an observation building and staring into the city. Just end, please!
-Hercules is talking to his father. He needed to go to the top of an observation tower to do that?
-Hercules disappeared from Pretzy, who went back to his apartment to mope. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
-Hercules is talking to Pretzy through a radio. I’m convinced booze had something to do with this.
-Is this movie teasing the idea that this was all in Pretzy’s imagination? Really?!?
-Hercules has returned to Olympus. I wonder if he brought back any souvenirs. I bet Zeus would love a foam finger.
-Zeus is going to New York. I’m going to throw up.
That’s “Hercules in New York”! A dreadfully boring movie that’s as dull as dishwater. It’s as formulaic as a “fish out of water” comedy comes. I can’t fault Arnold Schwarzenegger for taking the role, as this was early on in his career. He needed the money and experience, which paid off in the end. Even so, it’s a lousy film that should be skipped.
What you shouldn’t skip is the Talk Without Rhythm podcast! Each week, El Goro and the Cancer Man review two films for your pleasure. It’s one of the most entertaining and intelligent podcasts out there. Check it out!
I’ll see you all next week!
Talk Without Rhythm: http://tworpodcast.blogspot.com/