Hello and happy new year folks, We’re going to kick off my return to the Freakin’ Awesome Network after a brief hiatus with my thoughts on Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Porn Parody. Since it’s been out for a while you may have read some other reviews, so instead of that standard format I’m going to present my own stream-of-conscious thoughts as I watch this movie for the first time. I’m expecting big things, since it stars one of my favourite people in the world April O’Neil (who was so generous as to give this to me as a gift when we met up in LA last summer). Alright, lets pop this into the player and get started!
– As a TNG fan it was so strange to see the title and credits scroll not being accompanied the classic Star Trek theme. The music wasn’t bad though, just different. It did lack an adventurous spirit I associate with ‘Trek’.
– Fuck yeah, Tasha Yar’s in this! I loved her character on TNG (until she died, shocking this young fan). I wonder if she’ll be blonde though, since she’s going to be played by India Summer (Who has another April O’Neil connection – I reviewed a scene they did for Road Queens 11).
– First glimpse of the Enterprise…and it looks good. Real good! If you’re an old man like me you remember how terrible cgi can be. And in an earlier column when I covered Backside To The Future we saw what passed as special effects. But I’m impressed with this!
– Giles plays Picard, sounds kinda like him I can dig it. Nice look. Too. And the first look at Riker and Troi! April looks good. Cleavage!!
– The plot seems to be opening with the opening of a discovered cryo-chamber, with a woman frozen inside. I expect this to lead to sexy results… SWEET IT’S TASHA YAR!
– Riker and Deanna meet up in the holodeck for a date. It’s an April O’Neil scene so this movie is definitely starring off with a bang. Since I’m not going into the sex in this review, I’ll just share how personally pleased I am this particular meet up is happening. TNG debuted when I was ten, and my last name ic often mispronounced to Riker. I have a buddy that to this day still calls me Commander Riker and OH MY GOD APRIL’s BOOBS sorry no dirty stuff here today but I got distracted. Anyway because of this and just because I thought he was cool Riker was my favourite character growing up. And I had a crush on Troi so it was cool she was my favourite characters girlfriend. Flash forward over 15 years and one of my favourite girls in the world is playing this woman, and she’s having a sex scene with basically me since I’m still called Riker occasionally. Is it a very tenuous stretch? Hell yes it is, but I’m not going to lie it’s a big part of the reason I was interested in the movie. I think it’s okay to say spiritually me and April have basically had sex now.
– Since I’m not reviewing the actual sex (April gets *****/*****!), I’m fast-forwarding through these parts this watch. I hope no important plot or character developments spring up, but I should be safe as long as somebody always has something in their mouths.
– Tasha wakes up, and she is blonde. Troi takes her to see Picard so they could discuss how she’s alive. Turns out she’s not the same Tasha who died in ‘Skin of Evil’, but one that’s come through a wormhole from a separate reality. I’m not a big Trekkie, so I didn’t catch on immediately, but it’s the Tasha who gave birth to Sela, who’s part Romulan. She was thought dead but here we are.
– Most of the main cast is assembled to meet Troi. Overall its not a bad lot. Giordi’s visor is sleeker then the original, but not as cool. Lee Bang is Worf, so he’s certainly big enough for the role. DATA looks off, but it may just be that Spiner owns the character so fully.
– DATA wants to see Tasha later. Will it be ‘The Naked Now’ all over again??
– Back on the holodeck, Giordi pulls up a beautiful woman because he needs help. Apparently there’s going to be a warp core explosion in his pants. Maybe he needs that upcoming moment of clarity to figure out what’s going on.
– Just wanted to add that so far we’ve had two sex scenes, and two women with natural boobs. Good job future.
– 50 minutes in now. Wow a lot of this dvd is dedicated to sex.
– DATA meets up with Tasha. Nice scene between the two of them talking. I do like DATA’s eyes. They talk about Sela before the scene cuts to Worf in training an ensign. Tasha comes in and starts harassing Worf (in her reality the Klingons are still an enemy), and a brief fight scene ensues. Not this movies strong point. I have no doubt Lee Bang can kick ass, but this movie didn’t really seem to give him the opportunity. But right after that the ensign locks the doors with her and just Worf, and its time for more hardcore nga’chuq.
– Real breasts #3 by the way, this time from a very cute alien-clad Dana DeArmond.
– While I’m very much enjoying Dana, is it weird I’m hoping Q shows up in this movie somewhere?
– Back to Giordi, and it looks like his sex buddy did have a point! She’s assisting him as he further investigates the site Tasha was found at, and they discover that she’s emitting tachyons.
– Tasha is upset, and her and DATA talk some more about feeling displaced in the universe. Xander Corvus’ DATA has grown on me.
– It’s hook-up time again, and DATA’s penis is a lot less white then his face would give me the impression of. More real boobs!
– Riker and Picard are called down to the planet/holodeck. Holy crap Giles sounded 100% like Picard just now. Tasha emitting a signal through the tachyons.
– Music picks up…a fucking cloaked Warbird, awesome!
– Tasha takes out Troi, then moves onto the bridge and downs Worf as the Warbird and Enterprise exchange fire.
– Haha, she grabs Geordi and hilarious makes him conk his head on a beam.
– She takes out two security officers and takes over the bridge, but refuses to shoot DATA. Sela comes up on the monitor as the mastermind, having taken control of Tasha.
– After DATA blocks the tachyons coming from the Warbird, Tasha regains control of herself and mans the shields and weapon systems to victory, forcing a Romulan retreat, before she once again passes away. WHY DOES TASHA DIE EVERYTIME I WATCH HER!?
– A very TNG moment. Tasha’s last words were DATA’s name, and he asks Picard why she would do that. Right out of the show.
– One last sex scene, with Picard and Crusher. More natural boobs, this movie’s great!
And that was Star Trek: The Next Generation – A XXX Parody. Overall, that was pretty damn good. Casting was good, acting was good. At parts it honestly feels like an episode of the show, and after I was watching it I felt really nostalgic. Also horny, but nostalgic. I don’t watch a lot of porn parodies, but this one went well beyond the old stereotype a lot of us may have in our heads when we think about them. If I had to complain it would be over a lack of more April O’Neil, but that’s because I like rocking cleavage.
Also, and of course I discovered this after watching and writing my review, the 2 disk dvd comes with a ‘Party version’ of the film – i.e. all the sex chopped out! It probably would have saved me time recapping it (I believe it clocks in under half an hour), but I’d have missed the boobs. Still, if you’re a Star Trek TNG fan but don’t want tight pants, you can check out that edition.
Inbetween watching this and getting this uploaded Christmas came, and while out with a buddy at a flea market i stumbled upon this…whats basically an April O’Neil action figure from this porno!
At the very least, it enforces just how RIGHT the production team got this parody. You can’t see it in this picture, but even the colours are accurate. I also think its fitting this TNG line was so small, since April herself is really tiny. If you haven’t seen her standing next to me, I’ll show you an approximation of our sizes. The closest toy I have to what I look like it probably Guile from Street Fighter II.
Also I can Flash Kick.
And this following part may not have happened, but what else am I going to do with the pics?
You can follow April on her NSFW Twitter and Tumblr, and Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Porn Parody is available from Digital Sin. Next month we’ll be looking at the Bridesmaids parody.