Here we are, folks. The final edition of Christmas Movienalia 2011. We’ve had two killer Santa Claus’ and an asshole who thought he was Old Saint Nick (not Billy Bob Thornton). For the final installment, Santa Claus stays at the North Pole. He has too much dignity to appear in this train wreck. Instead of coal, he’ll give naughty children this movie for Christmas.
The movie I’m talking about is “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure”. This isn’t bad in the “Oh God, this is horrible” sense. This is bad in the “Why does this exist?” sense. Yes, “Christmas Vacation” is a smash classic (and is my favorite Christmas movie). However, that was apart of the “Vacation” series. It didn’t need it’s own standalone sequel.
Not only that, but the Griswolds are cut out. Sure, Audrey drops by, but everybody else has disappeared. This would make more sense if the Johnsons weren’t living with him. I’d say Chevy Chase is too big for this straight to DVD sequel, but his star had fallen so badly at this point that accepting it would’ve been understandable.
Instead of ranting and rambling, I’ll just get this show on the road. Enjoy!
-Why are we opening in a nice community? Last I checked, Eddie lived in an RV in the desert.
-“I guess being smart happens.” That’s right, kids. Don’t study or improve yourself. You’re either born smart or dumb.
-Eddie is a science test subject. That seems right.
-Fred Willard injected a monkey and Eddie with nuclear waste. What the fuck?
-I usually spank my monkey. I don’t play Tic-Tac-Toe with it.
-I believe all monkeys are smarter than Randy Quaid.
-Aw, Eddie got fired. I generally feel sympathetic for him.
-Saying “Merry Christmas” after firing someone is like giving someone condoms at a baby shower.
-Eating a banana is working hard?
-A lot of people lose to monkeys. Hell, they once took over this whole planet.
-“I’m just one, big disappointment.” The story of Carlos Mencia’s life.
-A bunch of hacks and one talented son? Sounds like the Baldwin family.
-What is Eddie wearing on his face? A blind person’s arts and crafts project?
-Being smart and having a good sense of humor are two radically different things.
-How do you get fired from testing recliners? The deceased could do that job.
-I’d rather not see Randy Quaid shirtless.
-Eddie broke the shower by simply turning the knob. The XFL was less of a failure than this man.
-You’re seriously going to try to plug the hole with a teddy bear? Really?!?
-The tub is leaking and spraying water everywhere. Attempting to take a bath is not a good idea right about now.
-Hitting the pipes with a wrench will only make things worse.
-There’s a 24-hour emergency plumber?
-You’d have to get a hundred buckets to catch that leak.
-Don’t want to get pummeled by gushing water? Don’t stand in front of it.
-So, we’re just going to cut away from the accident? Did they fix it? Did their kid drown? What happened?
-Calling a monkey stupid won’t get you your job back.
-Eddie got bit on the ass by a monkey. I’ll admit, I laughed.
-Randy Quaid is on all fours with his ass sticking out. Not the image I wanted to see.
-To prevent a lawsuit, I’d suggest giving Eddie his job back. Sending him on a vacation to an island is asinine.
-“This is just another disaster.” I’d say this is the first “Vacation” film that’s a disaster.
-When did mail-order dentist become an occupation?
-When your adolescent child can figure out this is a scam and not you, you’ve got problems.
-Staying at the best motel is like being at Carrot Top’s best performance. It’s still not good.
-Suicide and eating ice cream are two vastly different forms of depression.
-What man likes raindrops on roses?
-Why is Audrey still young? She should be in her thirties by now.
-Having a plate in your head doesn’t make you a bug zapper. If that’s the case, the Six Million Dollar Man is an exterminator.
-What is Eddie’s passion? Bacon?
-“Except for our daughter. She’s a marvelous stripper.” She may be the only stripper to not have daddy issues.
-“The monkey bit you and you took a vacation.” That should be the description on the DVD.
-Of course the dog would destroy the Christmas tree if you threw ham into it.
-Why does everybody come to the Griswold’s house to die?
-What 28 year-old dates a 66 year-old? Oh wait, Hugh Hefner.
-Come to think of it, where’s Clark? If they’re staying at his place, shouldn’t he be there?
-Why are you taking the dog on vacation with you?
-What made the water pipes burst again?
-Was Santa asking if someone lost a bowling ball supposed to be funny?
-They cast Eric Idle solely to throw him through a metal detector. What a waste.
-You know the economy’s bad when Santa needs a second job as airport security.
-Is this running gag of Santa finding lost luggage going anywhere?
-Mistaking ants as people. Eddie was always dumb, but not braindead.
-I’d cry too if I were in this movie.
-Yes, Eddie. The ocean is filled with water. How long did it take you to figure that out?
-“I’ll never love again.” Please never act again.
-At least give Eddie the dignity of being able to open a bag of peanuts.
-Eddie has caused more humanly harm than the plague.
-If you ever hurt Eric Idle, just give him a peanut. He’ll forgive you.
-Did Eddie just call one of the greeters a hooker?
-Horny old men aren’t funny.
-“That monkey can bite my ass every day of the week and twice on Sunday.” Sounds like the life of Anna Nicole Smith.
-How many times is Eddie going to be shirtless?
-Put some pants on, Eddie!
-The dog is pissing on fire. Lovely.
-Come to think of it, why was there a fire on an island in the middle of the day?
-“I’ve got more salt under my armpits then you’ve ever sailed on.” What an image.
-It took Ned an hour to figure out using the key will start the boat. Here I thought Eddie was stupid.
-I thought the ship was called “Potti Gail”, not “Patti Gail”.
-I believe Third just got his first boner.
-I think Eddie would lose a game of tug-of-war to a shark.
-Instead of cutting the fish line, just let go of it. Idiot!
-I haven’t seen a more ludicrous shark sequence since “Jaws: The Revenge”.
-How many times will E
ddie have his ass sticking in the air?
-This is turning into a poor(er) man’s version of “Gilligan’s Island”.
-“Forget the radio.” But, it tells me everything I know.
-Third needs to stop with the know-it-all shtick.
-If you can’t swim, why would you dive headfirst into the ocean?
-When did Audrey smuggle the cappuccino maker onboard?
-The only reason Christmas music is playing is to remind folks that this is a Christmas movie.
-Eddie being stranded on an island must be Clark’s fantasy.
-You’re on an island. Everywhere is a bathroom.
-I think Eddie’s going to rape that dog.
-Again with the human bug zapper? Really?!?
-Eddie, you can’t open a bag of peanuts. I don’t think you’ll be able to start a fire.
-You had matches the whole time? Did that metal plate crush your brain?
-“A good dump is one of the great pleasures in life.” This film is a dump, but not pleasurable.
-Hunting with limp sticks. You deserve to be mauled.
-A dog can’t point, you moron!
-When I was ten, I wasn’t spying on women as they bathed. I still thought they had cooties.
-I don’t know what’s creepier. A child spying on a bathing woman or a 66 year-old man doing so.
-You don’t need a fire during the day.
-Did we really need to plug Wal-Mart?
-“I guess I forgot all about Christmas.” Don’t feel bad. Steve Buscemi only discovered it three years ago.
-Eddie, please stop with the racist name-calling. I know it’s unintentional, but it’s still bothersome.
-You celebrate what your most thankful for on Thanksgiving, not Christmas.
-“Let’s think of something we can all give each other.” Herpes.
-I wouldn’t suggest Eddie building a house. He can’t even build a cohesive thought.
-“Field of Dreams” reference? Really?!?
-“Jesus was born in a stable.” That has nothing to do with the situation at hand, but go with it.
-This is like “Lord of the Flies” for idiots.
-When hunting, you don’t give your prey a warning.
-Eddie even sucks at throwing sticks. This isn’t funny, it’s depressing.
-Why did that boar sound like a dinosaur?
-“Christmas with Daddy.” Why did that sound naughty?
-How did Eddie kill that boar with such a puny stick?
-You’re stranded on an island and all you can worry about is that there’s no shopping mall? You disgust me!
-Your son is ten. He can’t get someone pregnant. Stupid idiot!
-A gay joke? Really?!?
-Randy Quaid as a caveman. Somebody make this happen.
-This father/son heart-to-heart is about as heartwarming as the Holocaust.
-That house would have flooded by now.
-We can raid someone’s belongings and return it as a gift? I’m doing that from now on.
-I don’t think Eddie cares about aerodynamics. I don’t even think he knows what they are.
-Are they just going to ignore that random elephant scream?
-When did Eddie learn how to play the ukulele?
-I haven’t heard a Christmas song butchered this bad since the New Kids on the Block released a Christmas album.
-You gave your son bourbon? You’re a worse father than Charlie Sheen!
-The only thing I’m praying for right now is that this movie ends.
-We broke a coconut. Merry Christmas!
-Of course the house collapses.
-What are you searching for, Eddie? A better script?
-If Randy Quaid is your hero, you may want to reevaluate your life.
-Where did this silent Tarzan film come from?
-I’d prefer if a plane didn’t fly by. Them being stranded sounds like a better ending.
-There was a hotel on the island the whole time. How fucking stupid are you people?!?
-Being stranded being your best vacation is very sad.
-Are we getting a speech on the downfall of civilization?
-You know what I miss? A Christmas Vacation film that didn’t suck.
-If we’re calling it Eddie Island, I’ll just pretend it’s named after Guerrero.
-Did Eddie just kill Jack?
-Nope, he’s alive. He may have lost a few brain cells, though.
-Jack seems drunk, not hurt.
-Is it bad that I hope they crash?
-Did Eddie just tell Jack to snap out of being dead?
-Relax! Just do it. If you want to get through it.
-Aren’t they supposed to be landing on water?
-“Don’t you know what slow means?” It’s another way to describe Eddie.
-Of course their tour guide is the wife of Audrey’s ex.
-Just land the damn plane already!
-Eddie can land a plane, but can’t draw a bath. You figure that logic out.
-Who puts a stripper on the news?
-Who the hell is Aunt Jessica?
-I’d be frightened of Eddie, too. He’s a walking disaster.
-“If anyone wants me, I’ll be in the can.” Which is where this movie belongs.
-In today’s world, a ten year-old being engaged isn’t a far cry from reality.
-Being shipwrecked gets you your job back? I’ll be damned!
-Who would give Eddie a pilot job?
-Did the movie just freeze?
That’s “Christmas Vacation 2”. Cousin Eddie has gone from a loveable oaf to a braindead moron. Which kind of mirrors Randy Quaid’s life. This stands as being one of the most pointless sequels I’ve ever seen. That’s saying something, as I’ve sat through “Basic Instinct 2”. Do whatever you can to avoid this movie.
That’s all for this year’s Christmas Movienalia special. Next week, we get back to normal. See you then.