Welcome to the Thanksgiving 2011 Movienalia special! This is the time of year where we give thanks for those that we love. We here at the Freakin Awesome Network love you FANs. To prove it, we’ve given you the opportunity to choose a film (out of the five most requested) to be inducted into Movienalia. The five choices were:
-Battlefield Earth
-Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure
-The Room
-Troll 2
-Wild Wild West
As you can tell by the title of this article, “Wild Wild West” won. For those unfamiliar with this movie, it’s the one Will Smith turned “The Matrix” down for and has regretted it ever since. Most people who paid to see this, including myself, regretted doing so, too. Instead of a western (like we were promised), we got a terrible buddy cop comedy with racial humor and a giant mechanical spider. I know, that doesn’t make a lick of sense.
Kick back, relax, grab your turkey and pumpkin pie and enjoy my torture of “Wild Wild West”!
-A flying disc? Is that the flying ball from Phantasm’s long lost brother?
-Running away screaming; what the audience did during this movie.
-Who hasn’t ran around like an idiot screaming about giant spiders at least once in their life?
-Being smart doesn’t prevent you from being murdered.
-Is that a rejected Spider-man shield?
-How many times are we going to see Will Smith flipping his gun?
-How did they convince Kenneth Brannagh to take this role?
-That transition into hip hop music was weird.
-Are these opening credits showing what the film would be like on acid?
-Am I supposed to think Will Smith putting on a hat is badass?
-Is that the Acme water tower?
-“You should feel free to treat him just… bad.” As bad as that line?
-Normally, a peeping tom watches people have sex. He doesn’t watch people work while having sex.
-I think Will would be able to tell that she isn’t kissing him anymore.
-“You can’t go ramming a man’s personal things into holes like that.” That’s how you get diseases.
-The water tower they were bathing in collapsed. Does this mean our main character is dead?
-Nope, he’s fine. Go figure.
-Will Smith’s cock is useful in fights.
-Is Kenneth Brannagh a western pimp?
-Kevin Kline is dressed as a woman. First Pauly Shore, now him. My eyes burn!
-Salma Hayek is easing the pain.
-Hearing aids in the 1800’s were air horns?
-“Direct me to the poop, sir.” You’re already there. It’s the set of this movie.
-“You’ve got to be interested, you’re a whore.” World’s worst pickup line.
-Kevin Kline’s tits are useful in fights.
-If Will Smith is wearing a hat, that means he’s working.
-That looks like booze, not nitro.
-Who the hell would choose Kevin Kline in drag over Salma Hayek?
-That earwax was disgusting.
-That’s not a far fall, Will. You can let go now.
-Why are those people standing around naked?
-Are they trying to hypnotize the audience into liking this movie?
-Dark stranger? Really?!?
-“Have a little dignity.” All of that was lost once everybody signed up for this movie.
-“That would be an awful career decision.” What Will Smith’s agent told him when he agreed to do this movie.
-Will Smith is doing his best Steven Seagal impression.
-The building exploded with Will and Kevin in it. Does this mean they’re dead?
-Random man on a tricycle.
-They’re still alive. Stop teasing me with their deaths!
-Back in the 1800’s, the White House had pet sheep. Now, it’s home to poodles. Not much ahs changed.
-The President just chilling with Will Smith is a funny image.
-Dressing up as a woman makes you a genius?
-Will Smith have to pay for that ceiling he just shot?
-Kevin Kline is a master of disguise? He should sue Dana Carvey.
-Aw, sweet! They made cake.
-Eww, it’s spider cake.
-“You’d rather rely on stupidity.” Hey, we’re not talking about Pauly Shore right now.
-Kline invented the tricycle?
-A nitro-enhanced tricycle. What’s next, a nitro-enhanced scooter?
-What was the point of building a spring onto the train?
-You never drop fake boobies!
-If Jackie Chan is the Drunken Master, then Kevin Kline is the Drunken Idiot.
-A button-operated mallet? Who the hell built this train, Pee-Wee Herman?
-This is like a bad episode of “Tom & Jerry”.
-Will Smith called the bodyless professor a nobody. Get it? Laugh, damn you!
-They’re using a man’s head as a projection to see his final image. This movie is stupid!
-Race jokes? Really?!?
-What is with Kevin Kline’s obsession with dressing as a woman?
-Smith and Kline are touching each other’s breasts. Please help me!
-If Will Smith breaks my nose, can I stop watching this?
-Entertainers don’t exist in this movie. If they do, they’re failing miserably.
-Not terribly clever, just terrible. Get it right!
-Their names are East and West. Really?!?
-A coming out party? They’re not aiming for a gay joke, are they?
-Abe Lincoln’s head just blew up. Where’s John Wilkes Booth?
-Kenneth Brannagh has no legs. No brain, either, as he thought this role was a good idea.
-If Kenneth doesn’t have an ass, how does he poop?
-Enough with the race jokes!
-These leg puns are horrendous!
-It shouldn’t be hard for Will to find McGrath, as Brannagh is leaving behind a trail to him.
-Kenneth Brannagh isn’t chewing up the scenery. He’s pissing on it.
-Why does Brannagh have such a spider fetish?
-Will Smith doesn’t put any effort into his kisses in this movie.
-If Will Smith hates human painting, he’ll hate mimes.
-“Never drum on a lady’s boobies at a big redneck dance.” Is this a rejected Jeff Foxworthy joke?
-Are Kevin Kline and Salma Hayek going to hook up? What a terrible pairing.
-When did this become a sitcom version of “Roots“?
-Men can be hanged for groping a woman? Half of America’s male population will be wiped out by year’s end.
-Finding an entertainer locked in a cage is like finding gold in a haystack.
-The Battle of the Alamo would have been more interesting had tanks been involved.
-This movie has more useless inventions than the Home Shopping Network.
-Where the hell did that dog come from?!?
-How does them being dead hep you decipher that a tank was previously there?
-Salma Hayek is like the butler in “Spider-man 3”. She conveniently knows helpful information at the opportune time.
-I thought Salma was going to flash Kevin there, for a minute.
-How did Salma know how to use the spring to get onto the train?
-What compelled Kevin Kline to make billiards filled with sleeping gas?
-Salma Hayek’s ass made this movie worthwhile.
-I’d like to have a distraction from this movie.
-“Don’t take liberties with my things.” That’s called sexual assault.
-Shutting the door won’t save you from a cannonball.
-Will Smith is going to eject himself out of this movie.
-Who is the guy that Will is fighting and where did he come from?
-Kenneth Brannagh is a chauvinistic pig.
-Will Smith and Kevin Kline have been transported in to a “Children of the Corn” movie.
-Is Brannagh trying to inform us he’s inventing a dildo?
-I wonder if this is where they came up with the idea for “Saw”.
-When I think of westerns, I don’t think of flying blades and magnets.
-“Leap into my arms.” Aw, how sweet!
-How did those blades explode?
-Are they swimming in shit?
-Will and Kevin are like a married couple on the brink of divorce.
-“Master of the stupid stuff.” A nickname for Ed Wood.
-This has turned into an electric S&M session.
-“A spring-loaded contraption that shoots out of your ass.” I don’t even need to make a joke.
-Will Smith’s diet consists of cooked rats. I wonder if that comes with a side order of turtle soup.
-Will Smith was raised by Indians. Hopefully, they weren’t from Cleveland.
-Holy terrible green screen!
-I wish this movie were a mirage.
-Spider Canyon sounds like Spider-man’s hideout.
-It must be pretty challenging building your own city without legs.
-A giant mechanical spider. How moronic!
-“Nice to see an inventor that actually works.” But it’s stupid!
-It’s so sad to see so much money wasted on a mechanical tarantula.
-If Kevin Kline doesn’t like guns, why does he have so many hidden on his train?
-Is this movie trying to tell me Kevin Kline is going to invent the plane, not the Wright Brothers?
-Did he write his speech on gold?
-This nail trick is becoming tedious.
-“That’s a fine looking spider you have there.” I never thought I’d hear that in my life.
-“I didn’t bring my flyswatter.” What a terrible comeback!
-This movie’s puns are getting on my last nerve.
-Will Smith got shot. I’d ask if he’s dead, but I know this movie is just teasing me again. At least this time, the timing makes sense.
-I wonder how many times Will Smith woke up in the desert in a groggy haze.
-Kevin Kline also invented the bullet-proof vest. What else did he invent? Radio, television, Viagra?
-I haven’t heard a speech that bad since Helen Keller’s book report.
-Want to defeat Kenneth Brannagh? Push him down a flight of stairs.
-Will Smith is dressed as a belly dancer. I wish I were blind.
-Will has flaming tits!
-Even if Kline can build a plane, it’ll take him a long time.
-Or he makes one in under five minutes. Screw logic!
-This is reminiscent of “E.T.”, only this time it’s dumb and asinine.
-It’d be hilarious if Kevin Kline’s idea to get velocity by flying off of the cliff had failed and they crashed to the ground.
-The President doesn’t care if you destroy this town. It’s only filled with drunks and the homeless.
-Shouldn’t that flame have set them ablaze?
-Good work, henchman. You helped Will Smith and Kevin Kline land on the spider. You’re rewarded no points and may God have mercy on your soul.
-Hearing Kenneth Brannagh say “That boy is going to get a whooping” is oddly hilarious.
-These bad guys come out of nowhere.
-Will Smith is facing the western version of Baraka.
-Seriously, where were these guys hiding?
-“No more Mr. Knife Guy.” Who wrote this script, a five year-old?
-Is the metal man a leftover prop from Kenneth Brannagh’s “Frankenstein”?
-How much of a fight is Brannagh going to put up?
-Kenneth gave himself mechanical spider legs. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any dumber…
-Brannagh is like a Rock’Em Sock’Em robot.
-It sounded like Brannagh said he likes to beat his meat.
-Is that earwax that Kevin Brannagh is bleeding?
-Kevin Kline defeats his enemies via ballet. Interesting.
-Dark Warrior? Are you serious, bro?!?
-Don’t make Kenneth Brannagh angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry.
-“I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” I’ve never understood this phrase.
-That wasn’t a whooping, Will. That was gravity killing Kenneth Brannagh. Stop taking gravity’s credit, Will!
-Wasn’t that train track destroyed?
-Hinting at a sequel? Thank God it didn’t happen.
-Stop lying, Salma!
-I thought they destroyed the giant spider. Instead, they hijacked it.
That’s “Wild Wild West”. The only western to end with the heroes riding off on a giant mechanical spider into the sunset. If that doesn’t tell you how awful this film is, I don’t know what will. This isn’t the type of turkey I like to devour on Thanksgiving, but I did it. Thanks again for voting!
Join me next week for the beginning of Christmas 2011 Movienalia.