I made a promise after seeing the “Hellraiser: Revelations” trailer that it would be a future Movienalia edition. After all, the one and only “Hellraiser” movie that Doug Bradley even finds worthless has to be worthy of Movienalia. Not only is this true, but it gets the honor of being a part of the Halloween Movienalia 2011 lineup. This is the only honor it will ever receive.
Sit back, pull out your whips and chains and enjoy my torture of “Hellraiser: Revelations”!
-“Did you bring the beers?” I imagine the majority of the people who watch this will also start the movie asking this question. I see this movie being a drinking game.
-I find it funny they’re leaving L.A., since no film company there would finance this movie.
-If you’re trying to keep this trip a secret, why are you filming it?
-“You can get laid at Disneyland.” I hear Minnie Mouse is a slut.
-I think I’d rather see the donkey show they’re going to instead of this.
-Did they just give two idiots a camera and tell them to make a “Hellraiser” movie?
-Your car gets jacked, so you decide to mess around with Pinhead’s puzzle box. How does that make sense?
-I wonder if certain cenobites travel through X-Boxes.
-“What the fuck are you?” Pinhead Lite.
-She’s not crying because she’s watching the tape of Pinhead attacking her son. She’s crying because she’s in this movie.
“It’s nothing.” What many film critics say about this film.
-“Please forget that I had a brother?” Emilio Estevez has been trying his best to forget he has a brother.
-Is Pinhead just chilling in their basement?
-Taking women home as souvenirs usually makes prison your new home.
-Niko looks like the douche bag version of Ted Mosby.
-If you combine Niko and Steven’s IQ, it will come out to four.
-Panning to Pinhead just lounging around is pointless. We don’t need to be constantly reminded that this is a “Hellraiser” movie.
-Going on a trip isn’t the same as running away.
-I can’t stop hearing Frank Langella say, “I have a box.” every time the puzzle box appears on screen. Come to think of it, Frank Langella as Pinhead is hysterically intriguing.
-911 is three numbers, not seven.
-Did the cenobites hijack their cars?
-“You really think someone’s out there?” Considering the phone line is cut, the cars are stolen and Steven has been attacked, I think it’s safe to say someone’s out there. Even Helen Keller could figure that out.
-Niko is dressed up as Pinhead. Are they trying to further piss off those angry that Doug Bradley isn’t in this?
-Most people who have a gun plan on shooting it, if necessary. What else are they going to do, their taxes?
-“Birth is pain.” Pinhead sympathizes with pregnant women and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
-Why did Nikohead arrive with a feather explosion?
-Cenobites sounds like a breakfast cereal.
-Mexican strip clubs are a lot like hell.
-So that’s what Rob Zombie would look like if he were homeless.
-Pinhead is better than sex, apparently.
-“How can we experience the ultimate pleasure?” By not watching this movie.
-When a homeless man gives you a box, don’t take it.
-“I don’t give a shit!” Steven speaks for the audience.
-Has the puzzle box always emitted a blue glow?
-I think this movie has more venereal diseases than that hooker.
-Some people hear voices in their head. Steven hears voices in a box.
-Niko needs snu-snu.
-“They’re coming!” Jeff Jarrett, Abyss and Jeff Hardy?
-“They want to experience your flesh.” Sounds like a tagline for a porno.
-If you look up disaster in the dictionary, a description of this film will be given.
-“If you try to force it, nothing happens.” Case in point: this movie.
-Is she jerking off the puzzle box?
-I’ve read picture books with better dialogue than this.
-Please don’t be making a move on your sister.
-Stop making out with your sister!
-If somebody was outside and planned to attack you, they wouldn’t reveal themselves.
-“Nobody’s out here.” You barely even looked!
-Your friend just got his face sliced off. At least show some emotion.
-“I’m guessing you’re all a little confused right now?” Nope, just bored.
-Bullshit Generica sounds like a Mad magazine parody of Battlestar Galactica.
-Back to random hooker killings for no reason.
-What kind of a hooker has sex in front of her child?
-“Bring me a man so I can take his skin.” Seriously, did they swipe the script from a porno?
-“I’ve given you the shirt off my back.” As well as the skin of a few others.
-So, if Niko is using Steven’s body, does that mean Nikohead is actually Steven? You know what, never mind. I don’t care!
-Now there’s an affair. When did this become a violent episode of “Days of Our Lives”?
-Mr. Craven? A reference to Wes? This movie does have one thing in common with one of his movies. Just like “My Soul to Take”, it sucks!
-This movie feels like an eternity of torture.
-I wonder what Pinhead does for Christmas. A barbed wire tree with puzzle boxes underneath? This has nothing to do with the movie. I’m just bored.
-I think I’d rather take Pinhead’s torture than watch this. It can’t be as painful.
-A trade? What is this, a devilish pawn shop?
-It must suck when Pinhead trips and lands on his head.
-Pinhead must read a thesaurus in his free time. He’s saying the same garbage over and over again, just with new, fancy words.
-Pinhead just lets Mr. Craven and his daughter go? What a cheap and terrible payoff!
Thus concludes “Hellraiser: Revelations”. Now I see why Doug Bradley turned this movie down. There is absolutely nothing redeemable about it! It’s clear they made it cheap and quickly to keep the rights for the eventual remake. They cared about this plot as much as the mothers on “Teen Mom” care about their children. I cared even less about it.
See you next time for the final edition of Halloween Movienalia 2011.