There have been five “Underworld” films and I have seen them all. If you were to quiz me on them, I would come up short. I said I seen all of the films, not that I remember them. All I can recall is that they all star Kate Beckinsale as Selene, a Vampire death dealer who hunts lycans. I honestly can’t recall why the two species are at war…maybe the werewolf hair gets in the way of the bloodsucking. All I know is that they’re at odds, resulting in many a battle replete with silver bullets, swords, and sunlight. I also know the first two were directed by Len Wiseman, the other three only produced by him. His replacement in the director’s chair for each subsequent film don’t matter, as they all follow the same formula. For fans of the series, I’m sure that’s a plus. As for myself, I struggle to recall much else about the series, so a fan I am not.
Actually, that’s not true. Well, the part about me not being a fan of the series is. What isn’t is that I have no other recollection of the series. I do recall each filmed being caked in a blue sepia tone, as if to set a mood of gloominess to match the tone of the war. They got the gloominess part down, also nailing the ugliness. Despite the series’ slick production values, the lighting hides all of the scenery and cinematography, resulting in a grimy picture to look at. There’s so much blue that the vampires’ eyes turn to that shade when they transform. I hope the Blue Man Group and Eiffel 65 got royalties.
I also have the faintest of memories of the incessant flashbacks. Not just flashbacks to past installments, but past scenes in the same film. “Blood Wars” is no stranger to this, at one point flashing back to a sequence that happened a minute prior. Are they afraid the audience’s attention will be distracted, so they must be reminded of the proceedings constantly? Considering my forgetfulness in regard to the series, the editors may be on to something.
That is all I can remember about the series, I swear. I did not remember that Selene had a child at one point, Eve, a hybrid of immortal, vampire, and lycan. This makes her the most desired individual in the land, her blood the most potent product of the Corvinus Strain. If placed in the wrong hands, it could spell the end for either clan…at least that’s what I gathered. I think I need another flashback to sort this all out.
Selene has gone into exile after putting her daughter at risk, who has since disowned her. The Vampire death dealer has avoided contact with her clan after being betrayed one too many times, but eventually agrees to rejoin the group after convincing from David (Theo James). He convinces her whilst she digs out a bullet that tunnels through his ribcage. I was too focused on the mechanics of the bullet that I missed his sales pitch; probably something about blue. Damn it, I need another flashback!
Selene, the apprehensive warrior who’s constantly betrayed by the vampire clan, is surprised to discover she is once again betrayed by them. It’s hard to root for a protagonist so dimwitted they’re surprised by the inevitable. This betrayal sets in motion a foot chase for her and David, as well as a couple of battles with lycans thrown into the mix. Leading the lycans this time around is Marius (Tobias Menzies), a villain so bland I forgot he existed. Maybe if I had flashback to clue me in on his existence.
Marius, like the other lycans, can transform into werewolves. Technically speaking, they transform into hideous CGI monstrosities that look ripped from a low-rent Playstation 2 game. I know I have the foggiest of memories when it comes to this series, but I don’t remember the effects being this lousy. They seemed better in the flashbacks at the beginning, I can say that much. At least the slicing in half of one of them looked gnarly. Too bad much of the rest of the action is hidden by choppy editing and rapid pacing.
I do find it strange that Anna Foerster (filling in Len Wiseman’s director’s chair this time around) takes so much time getting to the action, only to breeze past it once it arrives. The series is built on its action, erratically edited as it may be, so it’s bizarre to see an installment so bothered by its presence. Even the finale is rushed, each final battle ending just as they begin. I’d commend her for focusing her attention on story and characters more, but what they represent is shoddy material. Cory Goodman’s screenplay leaves a lot to be desired: a repetitive mishmash of creature warfare, betrayal, and forbidden romance. I believe the character of Eve was only introduced to the series as a way of developing cheap drama. There are but a handful of scenes in this film where Selene pines over her daughter, questioning her parenting. Each scene goes over like a fart in church.
The strangest thing about Foerster’s direction is that she only seems concerned in getting to the action, making her speedy dismissal of it so puzzling. Why such sluggish pacing to get to the destination, only to hightail it out once arrival is met? Also, why so reliant on familiar battles and caricatures when the series presents such imaginative detours? At one point, two werewolves are seen in the background engaging in a fight between flaming barrels as fellow lycans cheer them on with bloodlust. Is there an underground (underworld?) fighting tournament I don’t know about? Why not expand on that instead of regurgitating the same old song and dance? Why keep the most creative flourishes hidden in the background?
I come to each of these “Underworld” films with a sense of hope. The hope that one will win me over. After all, vampires versus werewolves is enticing on paper, speaking to my love of campy entertainment. The series doesn’t want to be campy, but dark and brooding. That’s all fine and well if the filmmakers can pull it off, but not one has done so yet. Each installment is the equivalent of a transitional goth teenager crying for attention whilst dressed up in an attire it doesn’t suit well. It’s an insult to the ones who do fit the mold and embrace it.
Funny how the series wants to be serious, yet the only two bright spots in this dismal affair are the campiest elements. The first would be the battles, which could make up the horridness surrounding it had they been framed and choreographed better. The second is Lara Pulver as Semira, a treacherous vampire who gleefully chews up the scenery while everybody else is numbly gnawing at it. She is reduced to being the secondary antagonist despite being far more interesting than Marius (who I forgot once again and had to look him up).
I’d like to believe there is potential in this series, but not one installment has won me over just yet. Considering the trajectory they’ve been going in, I’m sure the next installment will be more of the same: a refusal to expand on the mythology in favor of inane twists and shoddily put together fights. If another entry is a necessity, may I suggest a title? “Underworld: Bone Dry.”
Final Rating: D