Film Review: Kindergarten Cop 2

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From the director of “Who’s Your Caddy?” comes “Kindergarten Cop 2.” If that doesn’t scare you away, nothing will. If you’re like me and are a glutton for punishment, that will seal the deal for you to waste a hundred minutes of your life. And trust me, “Kindergarten Cop 2” is a waste of time! Even with low expectations, it disappoints.

When it was announced Universal was greenlighting a direct-to-video sequel to “Kindergarten Cop” with Dolph Lundgren replacing Arnold Schwarzenegger, I was excited! Not for the right reasons, mind you, but because I’m the Cinemasochist and there will always be a special place in my heart for terrible films. With that being said, I honestly didn’t expect “Kindergarten Cop 2” to be that bad. At its worst, it’d be a harmless action comedy with an attempt at having a heart. Technically, it is that, but it’s so lazy and occasionally horribly off the mark in regards to humor that it plunges into movie purgatory.

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The plot is serviceable enough, albeit not without its fair share of holes. Agents Reed (Dolph Lundgren) and Sanders (Bill Bellamy) are assigned to track down a flash drive that contains the database for the Witness Protection Agency. If it falls into the hands of Zogu (Aleks Paunovic), a villain so underdeveloped I continually forgot he existed, the lives of those in the witness protection agency are at risk. Why the database was only backed up on one flash drive is anyone’s guess. That’s plot hole number one. The flash drive was in the hands of a kindergarten teacher at Hunts Bay, the most prestigious elementary school in the county. The only leads the police have are his kindergarten class, which means Agent Reed has to go undercover as a teacher to find it. Why the police couldn’t get a warrant and check every flash drive in the school is also anyone’s guess. That’s plot hole number two.

Seeing as how the school is incredibly uptight and is married to political correctness, it would make sense to discover they’d be opposed to allowing the FBI to raid their school out of fear of public ridicule. Therefore, I will forgive plot hole number two, but only slightly. I’d forgive it more if the screenwriter, David H. Steinberg, got sufficient amount of humor out of the political correctness. Aside from a few chuckle-worthy gags, all of the jokes in this department fall flat. Correction: aside from a few chuckle-worthy gags, all of the jokes in this film fall flat.

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David H. Steinberg and director Don Michael Paul definitely seen “Kindergarten Cop,” but they clearly don’t understand what made it work. First and foremost, Arnold Schwarzenegger oozed charisma and screen presence, which made up for his limited acting ability. As much as I love Dolph Lundgren, he lacks the charisma and presence of Arnie. He can exude charm, but only in the hands of the right director, and Don Michael Paul is not that director. Save a few moments where he gets to be charming (such as in responding to the political correctness), Dolph sleepwalks through his performance. With barely any connection to the children, or the belief that he’s developing as a character, the main appeal of the film is lost.

Agent Reed is so poorly written that one questions what his morals were to begin with. He comes across as a humble, blue-collar man in the beginning, only to flip the switch and become a PC-hating madman when the script calls for him to. During story time, he flies into a fit of rage over a book that promotes sharing, telling the children that “Sharing is overrated” and to “Never apologize for abilities that make you better than other people!” This would be funny if Reed acted like this leading up to the freak out, but he never shows signs of this personality, causing the joke to fall flat.

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As for the children, they’re given next to nothing to work with. One has to recycle a joke from the first film, telling the officers in an interrogation that his sister has a vagina. Another kid’s name is Cowboy (which is a running gag in and of itself) and he’s allergic to peanuts; Reed doesn’t know this and the sight of his PB&J sandwich sends Cowboy and the rest of the class into a frenzy. The kids go into another frenzy later on when Reed gives them chocolate, as they’re used to only eating healthy foods such as tofu. Things such as the kids eating tofu and being interrogated are supposed to generate laughs simply because they’re presented as absurd. Most of the jokes in the film are a setup without a punchline.

There is an attempt by Paul and Steinberg for the film to have a heart, but it never gets to shine. Reed’s relationship with fellow teacher Olivia (Darla Taylor) fizzles due to the two not having any chemistry. Reed bonding with the children never works as the kids barely register as characters. None of them have chemistry and the one whose father is an alcoholic has her plight shoehorned in that it feels cheap, not heart wrenching. The only moment that works is when Reed teaches them about the Trojan Horse strategy and even that eventually fails thanks to the finale. For all five of you that don’t want “Kindergarten Cop 2” to be spoiled, skip to the next paragraph. Reed saves the day by having his kindergarteners use the Trojan Horse tactic on Zogu to retrieve the flash drive. Mind you, Zogu and his henchman are brandishing guns, meaning when they materialize with sticks to whack the bad guys with, they could easily get shot and killed. Reed endangered the lives of children because he thought it would teach them teamwork. This man is insane!

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A lot of the film’s problems could be excused if the film were funny, but it’s simply lazy. Only one gag generates a big laugh and that’s when Agent Sanders calls for an Uber driver instead of backup because Uber arrives faster. Everything else in this film exists solely because Paul and Steinberg seen it in another film and thought it would work. The angry police sergeant is angry for no other reason than because they always are in these types of films. The nerdy teacher is a social outcast who randomly gets tazed in the balls because something like that always happens in these types of films. Dolph Lundgren wears a cowboy hat and goes country line dancing because that musclebound action heroes always dress up goofy in these types of films. “Kindergarten Cop 2” is a painful slog to wade through like these types of films.

Final Rating: D