Cinemasochist’s Dungeon of Horrors: Baby Geniuses and the Treasures of Egypt

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What am I doing with my life? Why am I wasting my precious time on this Earth watching a “Baby Geniuses” sequel? It’s not as if I’m going to like the fourth installment of the “Baby Geniuses” franchise, seeing as how I’ve loathed the other three. Am I torturing myself simply for the enjoyment of others? Did I suffer through “Baby Geniuses and the Treasures of Egypt” because I knew it would generate hits? Am I so craved for attention that I’ll watch the worst films put to celluloid simply so people will take notice of me? Am I “taking one for the team” just so I can be part of a team?

Better yet, what is Jon Voight doing with his life? This is the third time he’s appeared in a “Baby Geniuses” film and I’m still of the belief that he was only supposed to be in the second. In the last installment, Voight continued to randomly appear out of nowhere in terrible disguises to stalk the baby geniuses; near the end of the film, it was shown to be building to him being the big bad for this installment, yet he’s taken a backseat yet again to Big Baby and Big Daddy (which is the creepiest evil duo name in the history of cinema). Jon Voight is once again reduced to wearing lame disguises and partaking in racist stereotypes. This time around, Voight impersonates an Indian, an Egyptian, and Genghis Khan (with the worst Chinese accent in the history of cinema). All of these impersonations are so incredibly insensitive that they make Mickey Rooney’s Mr. Yunioshi from “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” seem progressive.

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As much as I hated the misuse of Jon Voight (and all of the racial insensitivity that came with it), I at least think it was a good idea to bring him back. I don’t think it was a good idea to bring Jon Voight back for name recognition, mind you, but because his character at least invokes a response. I hated the insulting disguise routine that Voight partook in, but at least I hated it. I couldn’t even muster up any emotions for the rest of the film. I’ve grown so tired of the “Baby Geniuses” films that I can’t even muster up the strength to roll my eyes at them; I simply let the atrocity wash over me.

I’m not even convinced that this is an actual sequel to “Baby Geniuses.” I’m of the belief that “Baby Geniuses and the Treasures of Egypt” is comprised of deleted scenes from “Baby Geniuses and the Mystery of the Crown Jewels.” This sequel follows the exact same pattern as the last one: Big Baby and Big Daddy steal some artifacts, the baby geniuses travel the world to look for clues, they pose in front of a green screen and pretend to be touring famous locations, and they encounter a racist Jon Voight in a racist disguise. Rinse, wash, repeat. The only inclination that this is indeed a sequel is that Big Baby and Big Daddy are broken out of an arctic prison in the beginning of the film; other than that, this is the same film as “Baby Geniuses and the Mystery of the Crown Jewels.”

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If there is any credit I can give the filmmakers, it’s that they did tone down the stereotypes of the babies. In the last film, the girls were reduced to being fashionistas, insinuating that even the most intelligent of women can only be smart when it comes to fashion. This time around, all of the babies are of equal intelligence, though that does mean they’re stripped of their personalities. One of them, the master of disguise, does get to make lame quips such as “To understand the Wall, you must be the Wall” before he makes himself invisible and blends into the Great Wall of China. I promise you I’m not on acid; no promises that the filmmakers weren’t, though.

I suggest you go back and read my review of “Baby Geniuses and the Mystery of the Crown Jewels,” as that review basically covers my thoughts on this film. Neither of them are indistinguishable, as the Egypt angle this time around is barely flirted with. The treasures of Egypt don’t even play a role in the film until fifty-three minutes in, and this film only runs for seventy-eight minutes, so that plot device is taken care of just as quickly as it appears. The structure of this film strangely reminds me a lot of the structure in Josh Trank’s “Fantastic Four:” the first half of the film is (slow) setup, then the film rushes to its finale. The only difference here is that Big Baby and Big Daddy pose more of a threat than Doctor Doom did.

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I know I’ll be coming back to the well of despair that is the “Baby Geniuses” franchise soon enough. A fifth film is already in post-production, sending the baby geniuses into space. I just hope for my sanity that the fifth installment at least tries to do something new. I don’t need anything good from the next film, as I know not to expect the impossible, but at least something new and terrible that I can sink my teeth into. As of right now, these “Baby Geniuses” films make me feel as if I’m in purgatory. Hmm…”Baby Geniuses and the Purgatory of Doom.” Eureka! I came up with another “Baby Geniuses” sequel. Give me my paycheck, please!

Final Rating: F