Sex, Swerves, and Stunners: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre (Part 1)

WWF Attitude

St. Valentine’s Day Massacre: In Your House (Part 1)

February 14th, 1999

Live from The Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee

Attendance: 19,028

The February PPV is always a bit of an awkward show in WWF/E. More often than not, you know nothing groundbreaking is gonna happen at the show because it’s smack dab between the Rumble and Mania. Because Mania & Rumble are two of the company’s biggest shows of the year, it’s not uncommon for the February show to just get lost in the shuffle and become forgotten. Now, every now and then, you’ll get a sleeper hit (NWO 2009, for example) but for the most part, the February show is treated as skippable. This show actually had major implications on Mania, however, as the main event featured Stone Cold facing Vince McMahon in a Cage match with the added stip that if Austin won, he got to challenge for the WWF title at Mania. In addition to that, The Rock tried to regain the WWF title (he lost it two days after the Rumble in a empty arena match taped for the Halftime Heat special) and secure his spot at Mania by taking on the man he brutalized at the Rumble, Mankind, in a Last Man Standing match. Who is going to main event Wrestlemania XV!? Let’s find out. Oh yeah, if you haven’t noticed already, keep in mind that this show only had three weeks of build.

– The show opens with a pretty unique black and white video hyping up the feud heading into the PPV. Playing in the background is some kind of old-timey lovey-dovey Valentines’ Day song. I’m sure that sounds odd in text but it actually worked surprisingly well.

– Once again, our announcers are Michael “Black As” Cole and the King himself who, not surprisingly, got his name chanted by the crowd since they are in Memphis.

Match #1

Goldust vs. “Bluedust” (Blue Meanie)

– What in the actual f*** is this.

– Ok, so the story behind this match is that Goldust stole Head from Al Snow on Raw. Why, I have no idea. The Blue Meanie, dressed as “Bluedust”, stole Head back on Snow’s behalf. Goldust attacked Meanie the next week or something and now we have this absurd idea of a match.

“I just blue myself.”

– Bluedust has the exact same entrance as Goldust except everything is blue. Holy s***, this actually happened.

– LOL, Goldust jumps Bluedust at the bell and sparkles go flying into the crowd.

– I have no idea who is supposed to be the face here. I think Goldust.

– Bluedust bailed from the ring and gyrated his body for all the ladies in the house.

– Once he gets back in the ring, Bluedust grinds on Goldust for a bit before Goldust spanks his big fat ass.

– I can’t believe I just wrote the above sentence.

– Finish saw Bluedust miss a Moonsault and Goldust hit his “Curtain Call” move for the win in a match that went maybe three minutes. What a piece of shit this was. This would have been disappointing on a house show, let alone a televised PPV. Significantly worse than anything on the Rumble. It wasn’t long enough to go into “MINUS FIVE STARS~!” territory but it was really really bad guys. Only upside was that Goldust was pretty over which led to the crowd being into this more than they had any right to be.

– After the match, Goldust did his Running Corner Ball Kick to Meanie much to the crowd’s approval. That was the opener. I don’t have high hopes for this show.


– Video plays recapping the events of Sunday Night Heat. Austin and Vince had a face to face confrontation where Vince spat on Austin. Austin, not being able to physically touch Vince due to a previously signed clause, said that he would murk Vince in the main event.


Match #2

Battle of the J.O.B. Squad

Hardcore Championship

Bob Holly vs. Al Snow (w/Head)

– The build to this match was that Al Snow was set to wrestle Road Dogg for the Hardcore title but ended up wrestling himself when Road Dogg was unable to compete. Bob Holly tried to get him to stop but Snow attacked Holly for not knowing when to mind his own fucking business. Since the Hardcore title became vacant, this match was made to decide the new champ.

– And right off the bat, we get some Attitude Era stupidity as Holly takes an unprotected chair shot in a meaningless thrown together match.

– They brawl in the crowd and spray each other with a fire extinguisher.

– They brawl their way through the backstage area and begin hitting each other with lots of wacky weapons.

– They make it outside where Holly whacks Snow with a street sign. Snow loves the pain because he’s crazy though.

– They somehow make their way down to the banks of the Mississippi River.

“Meet my girlfriend. Her name is Barbie Wire!”- Al Snow

– Wacky weapons shots galore before both guys end up brawling in the river.

– Ahaha, possibly the greatest weapon shot ever as Holly sneaks up on Snow and whacks him with the biggest stick he could find. Snow, of course, sold this like death.

– Eventually, Holly rolls up Snow in a chain link fence and pins him. The finish to that one Cena/Batista match with the duct tape ain’t got nothing on this.

– Match was pretty fun, honestly. Classic crash-TV.


– A Ministry of Darkness promo is shown. Taker demands that Mideon take the Big Bossman’s soul in their match tonight.

Match #3

Big Bossman vs. Mideon

“All Hail Based Undertaker”

– Announcers stress that no Corporate member will be allowed to be at ringside during the main event Cage match. lol.

– Bossman tries to whack Mideon with a chair on the outside but misses. Mideon then bites Bossman.

– Typical big man battle so far. Crowd is shitting on it with boring chants.

– Bossman wins out of nowhere (again) with his finisher after like two minutes of action. What a nothing match.

– After the match, The Ministry circle the ring. Bossman threatens to beat all of their asses redder than a stop light with his night stick but the lights go out and Taker comes out on the stage.

– While Bossman focused on Taker, the Ministry hit the ring and beat him down. The Ministry then carry Bossman to the back with them, presumably for cookies and punch.

– This show is pretty trash at this point.


– Video plays hyping up WM XV

– Kevin Kelly is in the back with D-Lo, Mark Henry, & Ivory for a promo about the upcoming tag title match. D-Lo basically says that he brought Ivory into the company to neutralize Debra in the tag title match. Wait…Ivory was a white girl brought into satisfy a black man. I just now got the name.

God, I hope that scarf hasn’t been where I think it’s been.


Match #4

Tag Team Championship

Mark Henry & D-Lo Brown (w/ Ivory) vs. Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart(c)(w/ Debra)

– Before the match, Henry gives his main bitch Ivory some chocolates and roses. Suck it, side chicks.

– Ivory has threatened to rip Debra’s clothes off if she gets involved in the match.

– I THINK Henry & D-Lo are the faces.

– Really basic match so far as the faces run wild on Jarrett & Owen. Jarrett cuts D-Lo off and him and Owen work the brown man over.

– Memphis crowd really doesn’t like Owen.

– Owen’s enzuigiri is great.

– D-Lo makes the hot tag and the match quickly breaks down as everyone brawls in the ring.

– Finish saw D-Lo try to hit his Frog Splash on Owen but was distracted by Debra who was quickly attacked by Ivory. Meanwhile, in the ring, Henry tries to hit the World’s Strongest Slam on Jarrett but Owen whacks him the back of the leg with a guitar behind the ref’s back. Jarrett then slapped on the Figure Four for the win.

– Damn solid match. Easily the best of the night so far

– After the match, Ivory tried to rip Debra’s clothes off but the men separated them.

– Mankind promo with Kevin Kelly. They replayed the Rock jumping Mankind on Sunday Night Heat earlier in the night in an attempt to soften him up. Good promo where Mankind promises to retain his title.


Match #5

Intercontinental Championship

Special Ref: Billy Gunn

Val Venis (w/Ryan Shamrock) vs. Ken Shamrock(c)

– Basically, Venis made a porno with Ken’s sister Ryan and has been boinking her six ways to Sunday so now Shamrock wants to kill him.

– Gunn is the ref because Shamrock has spent the last few weeks beating the crap out of refs so no actual official will touch this match.

– Ryan Shamrock is pretty hot, I must add.

If you got to hook up with her, I could see how Shamrock snapping your ankle like a twig would seem like a small price to pay.

If you got to hook up with her, I could see how Shamrock snapping your ankle like a twig would seem like a small price to pay.

–  Before the match, Venis says a great one-liner. “Ladies, this Valentine’s Day, I have a Heart-On for you.”  …I laughed, at least.

– Gunn is rocking the HBK-style ref booty shorts.

– Good intensity from both guys so far. As ridiculous as this story is, they are treating it like a blood feud and both guys are bringing the hate.

– Oddly enough, I think Venis is working as the heel in this match. He keeps raking Shamrock’s eyes and putting him in restholds.

– Shamrock has Venis down for a three count but Gunn refuses to make the count because he’s still mad about what happened at the Rumble.

– Whoa, Shamrock just snapped off a Huricarana!

– Shamrock slaps on the Ankle Lock but Ryan helps Venis reach the ropes. Ken confronts his sister but only gets a slap for his troubles. Gunn tries to defuse the situation but is shoved down by Ken. Gunn attacks the champ and throws him back in the ring where Venis rolls him up with a Small Package. One fast count later and we got a new champion!

– Obviously, Shamrock is pissed and him and Gunn brawl after the match. After like a second of wimpy brawling, they stop for no real reason and Shamrock pouts while he heads to the back. Then Gunn, for no reason, ran back to the ring and laid out Venis before telling him to suck it. I have no idea if they are setting up a three way for the title at Mania or if Venis is really a heel and he’s facing Gunn at Mania or something completely different with this bizarre booking. Classic Vince Russo “shades of grey” style booking where everybody involved just comes off as unlikeable. Fuck’s sake, the story is that Shamrock, who I think is the closest thing this feud has to an actual heel, got screwed over by three people. I feel sympathy for the psycho overly obsessive brother! Match was good though. The storyline s*** kinda messed it up at the end but it was still the best of the night so far.