Sex, Swerves, and Stunners: Royal Rumble 99′ (Part 2)

WWF Attitude

– It’s time for the Rumble! Video plays recapping the feud between Austin and McMahon and how Austin got screwed out of the title.

Match #6

Royal Rumble

– Bear with me on this one, guys. I’m gonna try to keep track of everything that’s going on.

– Obviously, Austin and Vince start the match.

“I came here to f*** s*** up.”

– As soon as the bell rings, Austin stomps a mudhole in Vince and walks it dry. Austin could easily throw Vince out but he wants to beat Vince up more. Entrant #3 is Golga(lol).

– Crowd is doing the wave for some reason as Golga gets in the ring and attacks Austin to try and get the bounty. He fails and becomes the first man eliminated. While this is going on, Vince goes out of the ring under the bottom rope and Austin chases him into the crowd. So, we now have a Rumble with no competitors in the ring.

– Entrant #4 is who gives a fuck because Austin and Vince are brawling elsewhere in the arena. It turns out to be a trap where Vince leads Austin into the bathroom where the Corporation is waiting to beat his ass. Meanwhile, entrant #4 is just..standing in the ring, I guess. Oh, I think it’s Droz BTW.

– Entrant #5 is Edge. They dick around for a bit until entrant #6, GILLBERG~!, comes in and immediately gets tossed back out . LMAO, half of the guys in this Rumble have been complete jobbers so far. Not really a good thing for one of the biggest matches of the year.

– “Attack of the Jobbers” continues as Blackman is #7. Meanwhile, Austin is getting medical attention in the back. The live crowd has died by this point, mind you.

– LOL, f***ing Dan Severn comes out to silence at #8. This match sucks.

– Austin gets stretchered out.

– They have got to send someone with an ounce of star power out to the ring ASAP.

– Hahahaha, of course as soon as I write the above sentence, TIGER ALI SINGH, comes at #9. Austin gets put in an ambulance. Wow, you guys weren’t kidding when you said this Rumble was bad. You could hear a moth fart in that arena right now.

– Let me guess, Austin is eliminate like 8 guys by himself when he comes back to the ring.

– Blue Meanie is #10 because why wouldn’t he be?

– Was the roster like super thin at this point? This is ridiculous

– #11 was supposed to be Mosh but Mabel jumped him backstage and took his spot. Mabel immediately breaks up the jobber circle jerk by eliminating Blackman, Severn, and Singh.

– The crowd comes alive for #12, Road Dogg!

– Eventually, all the other goofs get eliminated so it’s just Mabel and Road Dogg. Suddenly, the arena goes black. When the lights are back on, the Acolytes are jumping Mabel and take him to the back. Apparently, he’s Undertaker’s sacrifice tonight. So, I guess via underworld kidnapping, Mabel is eliminated. Goddamn, this match sucks.

– Gangrel is #13. He is quickly disposed of and now, once again, there is nothing going on in the ring.

– Kurrgan from the Oddities is #14

– I’m gonna go to the bathroom and leave this match playing. Let’s see if it’s interesting by the time I get back.

– Nope, match still sucks. Al Snow is #15 and is quickly eliminated.

– Goldust is #16. I’m gonna get a snack. Let’s see if this match will be interesting by then.

– I chose a chocolate muffin for those you that care. Match got a bit more interesting as the Godfather comes in at #17. Meaningless brawling ensues before Kane comes out as #18 to one of the biggest pops yet.

– He immediately cleans house and eliminates everyone else in the match. Kane is alone in the ring before…orderlies hit the ring with a strait-jacket!? Yes, they have come to take Kane to the loony bin but not wanting to be like that bitch ass Samuel Shaw, The Big Red Machine fights them off and chases them through the crowd, eliminating himself in the process.

– So, for those of you paying attention, that means for like the third time in this match, NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN THE RING.

– Shamrock is #19 and Vince is back. Of course, they don’t fight and just wait for #20 to come out. Ok, why doesn’t everybody in the Rumble just wait on the outside, let the other idiots fight it out, and then pick up the scraps? Even if they are going by the logic that since Vince is the boss, he can’t be DQ’d from the match, what about Austin? Why is he still in? Is there just no rule addressing this flaw in the match?

– BTW, Billy Gunn is #20.

– Test is #21 while Mabel is put into a hearse backstage. This isn’t even a match, this is just one really really really long angle to build up Vince/Austin.

– Hahaha, in a perfect case of “making just enough sense to make no sense”, Austin drives himself back to the building in the ambulance. Austin BAMF-walks down to the ring and tries to go after Vince before being jumped by Shamrock. Shamrock is quickly eliminated by Austin. During this madness, Big Bossman entered at #22.

– HHH comes out at #23 to a good sized pop.

– Venis is #24 as Austin eliminates Gunn.

– MAKE SOME NOISE because X-Pac is #25

– Match is still kinda poopy as nothing is really happening.

– “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry is #26.

– Goddamn, this is boring. I’m sure some of you are getting a bit annoyed that I’m just saying who’s coming out to the ring but that’s all I can talk about. NOTHING is going on.

– Jeff Jarrett is #27.

– A bit of dissension in DX as Pac lays out HHH with a kick.

– D-Lo comes out at #28! That may not sound exciting but it made me happy. He’s coming out with PMS. No idea what that is.

– Test and X-Pac are eliminated as Vince begs for someone to eliminate that sunava bitch Austin!

– Jarrett is eliminated as his partner Owen comes in at #29. He’s wearing a shirt saying “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.” Yeah, this match does just need to end Owen.

– Don’t treat her like a woman, don’t treat her like a man, but do treat her like #30, it’s Chyna.

– Chyna eliminates Henry to a good reaction only to get tossed out herself by Austin to an even bigger pop.

– Austin & HHH fight each other in the middle of the ring in what is surely a foreshadowing of events to come in the year. HHH gets eliminated after a Stunner as Venis gets eliminated by…someone.

– Owen gets tossed by Austin as the final four is Austin, Vince, Bossman, and D-Lo.

– D-Lo seemingly finishes Austin off by hitting him with his Frog Splash but Bossman, wanting to collect the bounty for himself, eliminates D-Lo before he can throw Austin out. I do like that.

– Austin quickly recovers and eliminates Bossman, meaning that it’s just down to him and Vince and finally the big long angle to build up Austin/Vince can come to an end.

– Austin and Vince have a tussle on the outside before they…go into the crowd? Just end the match!

– They go back into the ring as Vince low-blows Austin and holy s***, could they drag this out anymore?

– As Austin is beating Vince up and refusing to throw him out of the ring like a complete moron, Rock comes down to the ring and argues with Austin. This gives Vince the opening he needs to toss Austin over and win the match! THE BOYHOOD DREAM HAS COME TRUE.

– Austin, angry at his own stupidity, chases Rock to the back

– The crowd reaction was fantastic. This stunned silence just fell over the crowd. Not anger, just sadness and disappointment.

After the Rumble, the Corporation went to the pub, had a few pints and waited for this all to blow over.