I’m of the belief this sequel only exists to torture various online film critic personalities. I’m not including myself in this lofty category, as I’m honestly not that high up on the pecking order. I’m referring to the Nostalgia Critics of the interwebs whose scathing reviews of the first two “Baby Geniuses” films have almost given them cult status. Surely the producers must’ve seen these videos and decided to churn out a few more at relatively low cost to satisfy their egos. That or the films do make a profit in video rentals & sales from unsuspecting parents.
As much as I hate to admit it, the real reason this sequel exists is because the “Baby Geniuses” films have made money. Maybe not a hefty profit, but enough to warrant cheap sequels that will reside in the five dollar bins at Wal-mart. Don’t believe me? There’s two more already in post-production, ready to be released this year and next. They’re churning these out quicker than Disney does with the “Buddies” films. At least those are entertaining.
For those lucky enough to not know of the “Baby Geniuses” franchise, it centers around intelligent babies who solve crime. The first film involved them being experimented on, while the second involved them saving the day from the nefarious Bill Biscane (Jon Voight). In this, their third outing, they’re a part of the Baby Squad Investigators, which is located underneath a daycare center in Washington D.C.
The original baby geniuses obviously don’t return this time around. They’ve grown older and are now entering either middle or high school (and most likely resenting their parents for forcing them to star in terrible movies as a baby). Replacing them are a new batch of smart infants, who all have names I’ve already forgotten. In the first two films, they each had distinct personalities. It’s the same case here, but they’re even more stereotypical and annoying. The two boys crack wise and act macho, while the two girls are fashionistas and spout dialogue such as, “You go, girl!” I find the latter rather offensive, as it insinuates that the most intelligent of women are only experts in fashion. I could be reading into to it too much, though. I had to do something to stave off the boredom.
Their mission this time is to crack the case of the stolen Crown Jewels. A slippery thief has been stealing various prized possessions throughout Europe. This includes a giant pizza from Italy, because the babies themselves aren’t stereotypical enough. Either Gregory Poppen & Steven Paul found these stereotypes to be humorous or simply didn’t study the culture. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the latter. Not that it matters, as none of this was shot in Europe. So why study up on it?
This is where the film is the most jarring. Due to the budget being considerably smaller than the previous two films, they couldn’t film any of the scenes in Europe. The interior shots were filmed on a stage set, while the exterior shots were filmed in front of a green screen. Even the babies watching this can tell the actors aren’t in various European locales. They’re badly superimposed over a green screen. It looks even worse when director Sean McNamara decides to take a break from the plot and have the babies go sightseeing. These include montages where they get their photos taken in front of photos of famous landmarks. It’s embarrassing!
Even more embarrassing are the villains. The main antagonist is the maniacal infant of Beauregard Burger (Andy Pandini), whose plan is to steal the world’s prized possession and rule the world. Or something like that. By the time his plot was revealed, I was struggling to stay conscious. That explanation doesn’t make much sense, as it seemed his original plan was to help his father profit with his greasy food joint. Not that I can blame Beauregard. When your last name is Burger, you have no choice but to go into that business.
Jon Voight returns as well, though it’s unclear if he’s reprising his role as Bill Biscane. He only appears whenever the babies and their adult agents (including a returning Skyler Shaye) hitch a ride in his cab. No matter where they are in Europe, he’s wearing a wacky costume and doing his worst to act unsuspicious. He practically blurts out that he’s an evil genius that doesn’t want them to solve the Crown Jewels case. I began to wonder why he bothered with the disguises in the first place.
While all of this sounds innocently harmless, it can be just as grating as the first two. McNamara’s direction is obnoxious, constantly having the babies’ handlers talk down to other agents who doubt their abilities. The Bobbins crew are the only ones who can understand the “intelligent” baby gibberish as, and I quote, “The Bobbins’ have never truly grown up”. That’s not something to brag about. Oh, and I may not be an expert in quantum physics, but I’m pretty positive traveling through wormholes via baby seats won’t work and isn’t “simple”. I wouldn’t even bother to rag on this aspect, as it’s an easy way to get the babies around the globe, but the characters act so smug about their intelligence that it becomes bothersome.
There’s not much else to say about “Baby Geniuses and the Mystery of the Crown Jewels”. On one hand, it’s not as painful as the other two entries in the series. They ditched the horrifying mouth movements in favor of dubbing that doesn’t match the babies actual mouth movements. While there are still dreadful puns, they come in a lower supply. However, the series continues to coast on the notion that babies that are intelligent & solve crimes is cute. There’s no effort for new material, just new green screen backgrounds. When you look at it that way, this one may be the worst of the bunch. At least the other two made an effort to shock you in it’s awfulness. This one doesn’t even try.
Final Rating: F