Dave the Dave’s Review Review: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

“Sabrina, the Teenage Witch” originally aired on September 27, 1996 to 17 million viewers. Was “Clarissa Explains it All” a lot more popular than I realized? I know “TGIF” was at its zenith, but good god. Urkel and Mark Cooper would have killed for those numbers. Sabrina, her aunts and talking cat burst on the scene and caused a pretty big uproar. Like a lot of hit shows, it aired a little past its expiration date. Did any of us really need to see Sabrina living in Boston without her aunts, the cat or Harvey? I know I didn’t. The first four seasons would have done. I’ll even accept season five. The last two seasons are not part of continuity as far as Dave the Dave is concerned.

You’re right I’m sorry. You were there and it was still okay. Let’s be positive. Let’s talk about America’s favorite talking cat…

NO! YOU DON’T TALK! YOUR VIEWS ARE EXPRESSED IN THOUGHT! JON CAN’T HEAR YOU! Salem is better because he can speak to people and he even caused an episode of “Boy Meets World” to time warp back to when people still fought in trenches. HE IS A POWERFUL WARLOCK AND YOU WILL BOW TO HIM! Okay, he’s not anymore. He did some dastardly deeds and that pesky Witches Council turned him into a cat. That is quite handy though because as an old man, Salem wouldn’t be that funny. As a whimpering cat though, he is comedy gold.

Case in point

Now when I say that Sabrina is the titular character, I need no one to laugh. I know most of you are old enough to not be that immature. That means she is the title character. She’s also a teen girl who finds out she has magical powers once she’s shipped off to live with her crazy aunts. She has to deal with regular stuff but also witch stuff. She’s all “I want a boyfriend but also I need to conjure this water into soda” or something more reasonable for a teen witch to do.

LIke this

or maybe this:

Her Aunts Hilda and Zelda are polar opposites. It makes for wacky mishaps and zany misunderstandings. You see, Hilda is just a free spirit. She will blow up violins with dynamite and buy clock shops on a whim. Zelda on the other hand is a teacher and lectures her niece and sister on using magic unwisely. She eventually is a child then a candle. I don’t really know. She should have just married Martin Mull.

Sabrina had a couple love interests and roommates in the later seasons of the show. I only recall Punky Brewster moving in and being a little wild. As far as love interests go, the only one that really matters is one Harvey Kinkle. They date throughout high school and Sabrina casts spells on him to control the way he acts. Apparently there is a limit to this and he eventually realizes what is going on. Once they leave high school he dumps her because she’s a witch. He probably hooked up with Libby in college that jerk.

Sabrina ditches about her best friends Jenny and Valerie to be with Harvey and he just leaves? She then goes on to date a bunch of unmemorable guys and eventually leaves one at the altar in the series finale  so she can run off with Harvey. I’m all for Harvey and Sabrina staying together, but did we have to crush that last guy to reach that conclusion? Hopefully he moves to Alaska and marries Valerie or something.

Or maybe Punky

Not bad choices. The arch of this show just seems weird. The first season is about the growing pains of learning you’re a magical creature. The second season she was being tutored to be a full time witch. That makes sense. Then season 3 she gets her witches license on the first episode. That seems like a long arching process. Instead we get four more seasons where the drama of that process is gone. She even finds out she has a twin and that barely factors into the show. Also she’s not a teenager by the end of the show. She’s 23. For half the shows run the title doesn’t even make sense. We should have stopped at season 4. I can’t make this clearer. Luckily the last few seasons were aired on the WB and who really watched that?

Sorry Michigan