Cinemasochist’s Dungeon of Horrors: The Boy Who Saved Christmas

“The Boy Who Saved Christmas” may have possibly fared better had Jeremy (Andre Bourque) not been such a sniveling little snot! It’s as if screenwriter Marc Vahanian took every sugary, clichéd child protagonist in film history and crunched them into one. If past annoying little runts weren’t enough, now we have one who’s not only sickeningly sweet, but also selfishly snotty at times, too! Take of example when he finds Santa Claus (Colin McLane) in his backyard. The poor fellow his suffering from amnesia and is told by Jeremy that, once he remembers who he is, he’s got some gifts he needs to give to him. What a prick!

How did Santa Claus wind up in Jeremy’s backyard? His evil twin brother, Atnas (Doug Robinson), ships him there in a magical chair (don’t ask) so he can take over Christmas and wed Mrs. Claus. Technically, he was sending him to Pluto, but Santa bumped into the moon and crash landed to Los Angeles. I believe that’s how Garry Shandling came to Earth, as well. Now, it’s up to Jeremy and Pointer (Dana Woods), the cyber elf, to save Santa and Christmas!

What exactly is a cyber elf, you ask? It’s an elf who’s in charge of the digital side of Christmas. In 1998, the child population is at an all-time high. This makes it harder for Santa to keep up with everybody. It’s Pointer’s job to teach Santa how to send e-mails and keep track of everything on a program. He can somehow do all of this while the computer itself isn’t on. At least his wife can. There’s a moment in the film where she secretly sends a message to kids all over the world (with the e-mail address “All Kids”) that Santa is in trouble and he needs their help.

This is what convinces Jeremy that the jolly fellow in his backyard is indeed Santa Claus. Before he can celebrate this revelation, Atnas’s thugs (Mark Standing & John Trujillo), who make Bulk & Skull look like Harvard graduates), capture Santa Claus and hide him in a cave. That’s when Pointer is sent down to Los Angeles to deliver Santa his magical hat, which he can use to save the day and get back to the North Pole.

Well, that’s what we’re originally told. Once he gets the hat (and turns the thugs into a toilet and plunger), we learn he has to use a FOS globe to get back to the North Pole. This is how Pointer got to LA. This is located in a Trading Card Shop owned by a gentle old man. Why Santa can’t use his magic hat (which helps him squeeze through chimneys) is beyond me.

John Putch doesn’t have a handle on the story whatsoever! One second the magical hat can save the day, the next it can’t. One second Jeremy is a sweet little kid whose only wish is for his parents to get back together (and his brother to go to boarding school), the next he’s demanding presents from an amnesiac Santa. It’s as if he flushed Vahanian’s script down the toilet and made up the rules as he went along.

Don’t get me started on the laughable special effects. The sets themselves may look fine (if not recycled), but the effects are lousy. The laser beams that Atnas shoots are hokey (like this film’s message) and unexplained (why can he shoot laser beams?). If the limp story doesn’t give you a headache, the effects certainly will! If, for some reason, you can survive those, than Jeremy surely has to push you over the edge. If not, I salute you on being such a strong specimen!

Final Rating: D