I’ve learned a lot about Santa Claus through the Hallmark Channel’s made-for-tv film about his dating scene. For starters, Santa Claus isn’t one man; he’s a litany of Saint Nicks that pass down the Christmas job to their son. This year, the latest Nick (Steve Guttenberg) is up for the job, but must find a woman to be Mrs. Claus. His father even wrote up a list of perfect candidates for him who all live in the same town in California. Who knew California was such a hotbed for Mrs. Clauses?
This is where the film lost me. Harvey Frost runs into many plot holes that are never covered. If Santa needs his son to find a wife so desperately, why not use his Christmas magic to produce one? Hell, why doesn’t Nick himself do so? It’s shown throughout the film that he possesses the same powers that his father does. I guess I can understand him wanting a woman to actually fall in love with him and be the other half of his heart (his words, not mine), but that doesn’t add up for his father.
Here he gives him a list of women to track down and find. How Nick is approaching them is beyond me. All we see is a montage of women shutting their door in his face (which is also a montage of my life). Is he approaching them and telling them that he’s Santa Claus and asking them to be his Mrs. Claus? That’s how restraining orders are started! Santa has to have a better dating plan for his son. How about a dating site?
Nick and his father are in luck, as the soon-to-be Santa Claus winds up meeting Beth (Crystal Bernard), an ad executive with a seven year old son, Jake (Dominic Scott Kay). They meet when she’s filming a commercial for a video game she’s promoting called “Mighty City” (which is apparently about running a successful town by lying and cheating i.e. the Donald Trump simulator). The actor they hired to play Santa snaps on the little girl who can’t read her lines correctly and Nick comes in and consoles her. This convinces Beth and her boss, Andrew (Thomas Calabro, in a role that had to have been written for Rob Lowe), to hire Nick as their new spokesperson.
As they work together on the commercial(s), they begin to kindle a romance. Nick believes she’s the one, but Ernest (Armin Shimerman), Santa’s right-hand man, knows she’s not equipped for the role. She doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because she asked for her father to return and he couldn’t get her that gift. Oh, and she’s a fucking adult! As it turns out, Jake is also asking for a father for Christmas. It’s one of those movies.
In order for Nick to marry Beth and make her his Mrs. Claus, he needs to make her believe in Santa again. The problem is he’s not allowed to use his magic. The power of her belief must fuel him. What is he, Freddy Krueger? This results in many dates with her and playdates with Jake, all so they’ll start believing in Santa again. If not, Nick will have to be Santa without a Mrs. Claus. Which makes you wonder why he has to go on this wild goose chase in the first place if he can do the Santa job without a wife.
“Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus” is drowned in saccharine and contrivances. Not to mention the gaping plot holes. It’s cute nature is too sickening, like a sugar cookie made with too much sugar. The actors give spirited performances, which at least makes the happenings easier to swallow, but this is nothing but a cliché-ridden fruitcake.
Before I end this review, I must bring up a memorable (and I’m using that word lightly) scene. Nick and Beth, after agreeing to do more commercials together, celebrate by playing in the park’s playground. As if the sight of two grown adults playing in a child-size playground isn’t bad enough, it gets worse once you take Beth’s relationship with her son into account. She’s not home enough to see him as she constantly works. This means she can’t take him to the park to play. Yet, she can play in the park, on the children’s playground no less, with Steve Guttenberg. What a bitch!
Final Rating: C-