I think I understand why Garry Marshall made “New Year’s Eve”. The film he made before this, “Valentine’s Day”, may have been a financial success, but critically, it was dead in the water. People, such as myself, complained about there being too many stories with little time devoted to each. It was nothing more than a cash grab to see how many stars (ranging from A-list to D-list) could be crammed into one film. He didn’t make this movie to replicate that film, though. He made this piece of trash to make that horrid mess look like gold!
At the very least, I can say that “Valentine’s Day” suffered from minimal character development. It wasn’t so much that the stories and characters weren’t interesting. They just didn’t have any time to breathe. While that’s still the case here, the difference is nobody is interesting and all of their tales suck! Not a single story in this movie captivated me. Not one! The only emotion each story brought out of me was anger.
Let me break each one down to give you a better idea why I hated this movie. And let it be known I’m only referring to the people by the actors portraying them. Since nobody has an actual personality, there’s no reason to pretend their character’s name actually matters.
-Ashton Kutcher and Lea Michelle get trapped in an elevator and fall in love. He originally hates New Year’s Eve (he got his heart broken), but begins to like it again thanks to the singer (that right, Lea sings; what a stretch).
-Zac Efron (who is Kutcher’s roommate) helps Michelle Pfeiffer with her New Year’s resolutions (which she started by telling her boss, John Lithgow, that she quits). This includes a trip to Bali, which is improvised in a hidden spa in a dangerous neighborhood that is Bali themed. How convenient! Oh, and Efron calls Pfeiffer pathetic right to her face. Don’t worry, it gets resolved quickly the next time they’re on screen.
-Jon Bon Jovi is a rock star (yet another huge stretch in this movie) who proposed to Katherine Heigl last year, but got cold feet and bailed. I believe he just came to his senses, but he must’ve lost them as he spends the entire film trying to win her back. She plays a chef, which is supposed to be empowering, but is just a crutch to bring them together (she’s catering his concert and, get this, is actually surprised and angry he shows up).
-Jessica Biel and Seth Meyers battle Sarah Paulson and Til Schweiger to deliver the first baby of the new year and win twenty-five grand. That’s right, a hospital is holding a contest to see who can give birth first for money. This results in the worst line of the film, “Let the best vajayjay win!” Do I need to convince you more as to why this movie is terrible?
-Carla Gugino is Biel & Meyers’ nurse. In the outtakes during the credits (which have to rank amongst the worst), she pulls two copies of “Valentine’s Day” out of Biel’s vagina. If there was ever a good reason for abortion, this would be it.
-Robert De Niro is a dying cancer patient whose final wish is to watch the ball drop from the roof. I guess that’s better than watching your own balls drop. Many have criticized De Niro for taking this role, as it further ruins his once illustrious career. While I agree with that sentiment, I think I know why he took the role. He finally wanted to actually be able to sleepwalk through a performance.
-Sarah Jessica Parker is Abigail Breslin’s mother. All her daughter wants to do is go to Times Square for the ball drop and kiss a cute boy. SJP, being the responsible and sane adult that she is, doesn’t want her fifteen-year-old daughter to go into New York City alone at night because that’s how Lifetime movies about rape begin. For those that were uncomfortable with Chloe Grace Moretz’s “sexualized” roles in “Hick” and “Dark Shadows”, Breslin flashes her bra in a subway terminal in this film. It’s as if Hollywood is catering to pedophiles.
-Halle Berry is Robert De Niro’s nurse, but more importantly is dating Common, who is stationed over seas. This story is as meaningful as finding a pack of Mentos under the couch.
-Josh Duhamel is a businessman in a rush to make it to New York City to give a speech at his company. His car breaks down and Larry Miller (a tow truck driver) tells him all of the garage shops are closed for New Year’s Eve. This isn’t common practice for any business, as most would stay open regular business hours as New Year’s Eve festivities don’t start until late at night. But hey, we need to get this storyline moving! He hitches a ride with Sean O’Bryan (a pastor) and his annoying parents, Jack McGee and Yeardley Smith.
-Hilary Swank is the Vice President of the Times Square Committee (or something to that extent) and is in charge of the ball drop. Everything is going fine until one of the light bulbs blows, causing the entire ball to malfunction. If she doesn’t get it fixed before midnight, Matthew Broderick will fire her. She makes the corniest speech in the whole film (something about how New Year’s Eve is about love and forgiveness, when it’s actually about the year ending), while her friend, Ludacris (a cop), utters the second worst line in the film, “I’m a New York cop. People tell me things.”
Marshall also fills the film with cameos from James Belushi, Alyssa Milano, Cary Elwes, Sofia Vergara, Hector Elizondo and Ryan Seacrest (because no piece of shit is complete without Ryan Seacrest). If I forgot anybody, I apologize. They probably only got five seconds of screen time. Now do you see why I hate this film?
There’s nothing redeemable about “New Year’s Eve”. At all! I tried to think of one thing I liked and failed. Even the actors I like in this film (such as De Niro and Gugino) are atrocious! I don’t really blame them, as there was no room for actual acting. Just winking at the camera and spouting corny lines. The only thing that could make this film look good is if Marshall makes “Arbor Day”.
Final Rating: F