Movienalia: Justice League of America (1997)

Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! With “The Avengers” being released this past weekend, I decided to take a look at the other superhero group. That’s right, I’m talking about the Justice League of America. What’s that, you ask? They never made a film starring them? You’re half right. What they did do was film an hour and twenty minute pilot for a television show (which technically counts as a film). That show never aired. This movie is the reason.

For starters, there’s no Batman, Superman or Wonder Woman. Only The Flash and Green Lantern are the two notable heroes. The other three members are Fire, Ice and Atom. John Jones does lead the group, but it doesn’t really matter. This is as far removed from JLA as humanly possible. This is more like a sitcom than a superhero ensemble.

So sit back, relax, put on your spandex and enjoy my torture of “Justice League of America”!


-Why is the film beginning with an interview of a meteorologist named Tori Olafsdotter? Also, what kind of a name is Tori Olafsdotter?

-Her job description went from being a meteorologist to ice. I don’t even know what to say.

-“I’m obviously never thinking I’d become a superhero.” You’re a superhero?!? I take it that’s what “Ice” meant. I do wonder how threatening a meteorologist superhero can be. Will she antagonize her villains by giving them the wrong weather predictions?

-I want to see the Justice League of Mexico. The Six Million Peso Man would be the leader.

-New Metro U.S.A. is facing what appears to be a storm. Quick, somebody get Ice to save the day by informing us of the details!

-I never expected to see Miguel Ferrer in a Justice League movie. Who’s going to pop up next, Richard Jeni?

-“Based on the DC comics characters.” I guess “Bastardizing the DC comics characters” didn’t have the same ring to it.

-Miguel had to help Tori pick up her papers. What kind of a superhero can pick up her own crap off the ground?

-Tori just accidentally called Miguel Ferrar unattractive. Don’t worry, Tori. I’m sure he’s heard it before.

-What company relies on their meteorologist to land a business deal? That’s like relying on the janitor to do payroll.

-“Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!” I have a feeling I’ll be stealing this line a lot from Tori throughout this movie.

-Now we’re interviewing Barry Allen, who is unemployed. He should have remained that way.

-So, The Flash in this movie is a twenty-something year old hipster. They couldn’t just stop at taking a piss on the comics, could they?


-The Flash just informed us that he likes to eat sushi and take long walks in the park. When did this become a dating video?

-“Come on! Give me a week!” This is what the producers asked the network after they pulled the plug on this abortion.

-Barry got kicked out of his apartment. He’s The Flash. Why not just run to the beach and take a vacation? Hell, he could probably rent a room for a night and bolt before paying.

-Now Guy Gardner, the Green Lantern, is being interviewed. He’s trash talking The Flash. What a great crime fighting team.

-The Green Lantern describes himself as complex. The only thing complex about this pretty boy is which hair gel to use in the morning.

-Their way of showing us that the Green Lantern is complex is by having him make the difficult decision of which flowers and teddy bear to get? Really?!?

-Ice is the newest member of JLA. I wonder if her welcome basket included gossip magazines and hairspray.

-Can we please skip Ice’s character development? Her job as a meteorologist is about as exciting as watching two snails race.

-A hurricane is going to hit New Metro. I hope it destroys everybody and ends this garbage early.

-Please don’t tell me the guy in the wacky ski costume going by the name of “The Weatherman” is the villain. I’ll take Mr. Magoo’s evil, deaf brother Ted over him.

-“You can’t spend your life in front of a computer.” I accept that challenge!

-Green Lantern is serenading his girlfriend. The infamous scene from “Top Gun” looks like the work of Shakespeare compared to this tripe.

-Green Lantern walks away from his girlfriend

-Now we’re interviewing B.B. Da Costa. Sounds like a radio DJ.

-“I really love acting, I really do!” If you love it so much, why not take lessons?

-B.B. is the superhero, Fire. All we need now is Earth and Wind.

-I don’t think you can consider yourself an actress when your only gig is as a banana in what appears to be a commercial for the public access channel.

-“I have a Vitamin C allergy.” A superhero with allergies. Just perfect! Maybe they’ll have another member who has a limp.

-Now we’re interviewing Ray Palmer, science teacher. If you took John C. Reilly and sucked out all of the charisma and talent, you’d get this man.

-Ray is the superhero, Atom. Up and at them!

-“What’s going to happen to us in the future?” There won’t be a future for this version of JLA.

-Is Miguel seriously contemplating capturing the hurricane to power the world for six months? That doesn’t even make sense.

-So, JLA aren’t even facing a villain. They’re facing a storm. How uneventful. I hope they brought their umbrellas.

-The effects for Green Lantern’s effects are really cheesy. They look like glowing slime.

-Why is the Green Lantern wearing blue? He’s the GREEN Lantern for a reason.


-A wall collapsed on a worker at a construction site. If only the JLA were there to fight the evil, menacing wall.

-They weren’t crushed. They were just trapped underneath the wall. Don’t worry, Fire saved the day. That just sounds wrong.

-Why isn’t Fire wearing a red costume? Wouldn’t that make sense?

-An old lady is trying to save her cat during a hurricane. I love my pet, but I wouldn’t risk my life that badly. Especially considering the cat is technically in a relative safe spot (underneath the house).

-Atom looks like he created his costume out of foam. I wouldn’t expect him to save the world. I’d expect to see him waiting outside of a comic shop waiting for the latest release of a lame superhero comic.

-Atom saved the day by shrinking himself and annoying the cat enough that it’d come out from underneath the house. That’s right, our hero saved the day by being annoying. Tremendous.

-The Flash’s running effects look like a computer loading screen that is malfunctioning.

-The Flash is slowing down the wind by creating a counter current. At least he’s doing something useful.

-“What would New Metro do without the Justice League?” Have to face a hurricane on their own just like everybody else.

-“So much for that weatherman’s predictions.” Did they just attempt to make a jab at weathermen? Here’s a hint: when lampooning weathermen, don’t make the same joke everybody and their grandmother makes.

-The Flash looks a bit husky. Maybe he’s been doing one too many speed buffets.

-The Weatherman is transmitting a video threatening the Justice League. That’s right, a weatherman is our villain. I guess the news anchor is next.

-Are we going to constantly cut to these interviews? I understand they’re trying to develop the characters. However, informing me that The Flash likes sushi doesn’t do much for me in connecting with him. I guess they needed to attain that sushi eating demographic.

-The Flash really likes to bowl. The more you know.

-“I guess I haven’t figured out those life and career decisions yet.” I guess you haven’t found a good agent yet, either.

-“Why rush it?’ Get it? He’s The Flash and he’s always rushing. That’s the type of material we’re dealing with.

-“Storm’s over. We’re done rescuing people for the day.” What if the paper boy needs help in gathering his scattered papers? Step up to the plate, heroes!

-“Nobody can manipulate the weather. It’s impossible.” No, it’s possible. All viewers had to do was skip this dreck and turn on the “X-Men” animated series to see it unravel.

-None of the other superheroes will let The Flash crash with them until he gets back on their feet. These guys are superdicks!

-Is Fire really complaining that being a superhero interferes with her acting? I think I’d rather save the day then dress up as a banana and talk to a prune.

-Fire missed out on the banana gig. That was the role of a lifetime for her.

-Fire is getting hit on by a nerd. She needs to get used to this, what with her being a female superhero and all.

-Green Lantern is having relationship issues. When did this become a soap opera?

-Atom let Flash crash with him and Green Lantern. This is causing tension between the three and boredom for the audience.

-Why is Green Lantern angry at The Flash? He’s cleaned up the place and made dinner. He should be thankful, not pissed.

-Did we really need to see a lame effect of The Flash eating really fast?

-“Your life. You need to get one.” Did a ten year old write this script?

-“I come home. I find my apartment redecorated. I don’t know what to think.” Oh no! He redecorated your apartment. The horror! What a pathetic man that Flash is. Tell me all about your problems, Green Lantern. Do you have trouble in washing the dishes?

-“You could sell ice to Eskimos.” Can he sell Ice herself to Eskimos? Please?

-Let me get this straight. The Flash is moping because he doesn’t have any skills? He’s The Flash, for crying out loud! That’s like Donald Trump complaining about financial issues.

-Is Ice’s snooty coworker seriously being teased as a villain also? I thought villains were supposed to be intimidating. Milhouse could beat these guys up for their lunch money.

-Fire lives with Atom and Green Lantern too. Why was it such an issue to allow The Flash to move in? It’s kind of insulting that he’s the only member of the group that’s supposed to have his own apartment.

-This is slowly becoming “Friends”. If you’ve ever read a JLA comic and hoped it had sitcom humor and drama, you’re in for a treat. For the rest of you, you’re in for a headache.


-Green Lantern’s girlfriend gave him a gift for ditching her once again. It’s a decapitated teddy bear. What did the bear do to deserve that?

-Ice has discovered a hidden briefcase in her partner’s work area. The script must be inside of it. That would explain why he’s hiding it.

-Ice got balsted with smoke and water. That’s how she develops her powers? Really?!?

-Everything Ice touches freezes. Maybe she can touch this movie and permanently freeze it.

-Ice tried to save a drowning teenager, but she turned the water to ice simply by stepping into it. Somebody queue Foreigner’s “Cold as Ice”, pronto!

-Atom is being interviewed again. Those with insomnia issues, here’s your medication.

-“People always look at me and think, “Gosh, what a nice guy!” No, I believe they look at you and think, “Gosh, what a lame superhero!”

-“I know what you’re thinking. Kiss of death, right?” I wasn’t thinking that at all.

-“Ray, you got to fix the TV. Hurry up! We’re going to miss “Touched By An Angel.” What they should be watching is the aforementioned “X-Men” cartoon and taking pointers.

-They called a TV repairman to fix their set. He did so with gum. Atom, who is a purported genius, couldn’t come up with that?

-Some kid just got drugged. Uh, this didn’t turn into snuff, did it?

-Ice is trapped in a revolving chair and is being interrogated by a fellow researcher. The safe bet is on it being the recruiting scout for JLA. He must be blind, as he hasn’t found one good talent for the group yet.

-“This is ridiculous!” Ice is constantly speaking for the audience.

-Ice made a glass freeze simply by looking at it. What?!?

-Ice spun around a few more times in the chair, then passed out. I’m going to try that trick myself.

-The trick didn’t work. Damn!

-“Think she’s the Weatherman?” Of course she’s not the Weatherman! She’s a small, fragile woman, not a hulking man that the Weatherman is (judging by the videos). If you combined the intelligence of the JLA, it’d match my shoe size.

-Ice has been frozen into her bed. Oh wait, no she isn’t. That was a nightmare. That may be the weakest cop out I’ve ever seen!

-“No more pepperoni pizza before bed.” Since when does pepperoni pizza give you nightmares?

-The Flash became a mailman. Why did it take him so long to get that gig?

-“You seem a bit cold today?” These puns are painfully inept.

-“I’m concerned about this Weatherman business.” So am I. He’s going to be our villain? Really?!? Any hope I had left for this film went down the drain.

-Ice is accusing her coworker of being the Weatherman. What a bitch!

-Miguel Ferrer is showing signs of severe pains. I guess being stuck in this turkey would give anyone pains.


-Why is everybody so worried about this Weatherman anyway? All he did was predict a hurricane. That’s like being afraid of the librarian because she may charge you with a late fee.

-Miguel Ferrer’s hand is turning green. No wonder this got canned immediately. Marvel called them out on gimmick infringement.

-Watching Fire’s aspiring acting career is like watching a dental procedure. It’s boring and makes you cringe.

-Fire is being stalked by Martin, the nerd from earlier. I guess he’ll be a villain too.

-“You don’t even know me or anything about me. And trust me, if you did, you probably wouldn’t be interested.” Take her word for it, Martin. She’s telling the truth.

-Is Martin really trying to woo Fire by insinuating that she’s lonely and doesn’t have much of a chance of finding her soul mate? I’d knock this attempt, but I’ve never tried it. The next time I go out clubbing, I’ll give this a shot and let you all know how it turned out.

-Green Lantern is being interviewed again. It looks like he’s trying to combine William Shatner with Christopher Walken and is failing miserably.

-Did GL just ask how to tell a woman that it’s your job to save people? Very easily. Tell them that you have to save people. I’m sure they’ll take it well.

-Green Lantern’s relationship issues are about as dramatic as watching bread mold.

-We interrupt this dopey romantic subplot with a message from the Weatherman. Yay!

-I guess the Weatherman is manipulating the weather. Why not just manipulate a lighting bolt and strike each JLA member down?

-The Weatherman wants twenty million dollars. I hope that goes towards his wardrobe. Right now, he looks like a homeless man caught in a rainstorm.

-The Weatherman is making it hail. How will the civilians and our heroes survive this? What’s that? They could simply go inside? Get the hell out of here, logic!

-Green Lantern’s girlfriend slipped on a piece of hail. He saved her (by creating an umbrella, as opposed to simply getting one), but he’s in costume. Therefore, she doesn’t know it’s him. The agonizing “drama” continues.

-Fire is melting the hailstorm. That was easy! What’s next, Weatherman? Going to hit them with a snowstorm that will, gasp, leave them to shovel it all up?

-How hard is it to recognize your boyfriend under a silly mask that only covers his eyes?

-So, the JLA’s captain is like Charlie from “Charlie’s Angels”. The actor voicing him was wise to keep his face off screen.

-The Flash got fired from his post office job. Why? Last I checked, he got everything done on time. I didn’t know you could get fired for that.

-Fire is being stalked by Martin via a pager. Oh no! Now she has to call him. She couldn’t simply ignore it.

-Fire, Flash and Green Lantern are all now being interviewed. They need to stop mugging for the camera.

-The JLA are crashing a weather convention. How depressing.

-The Flash snuck into the party by simply running past the guard. If only all of the heroes would think like him. We wouldn’t have any gaping plot holes.

-They snuck Atom in by hiding him in their briefcase. I wonder if he shrinks himself down and sneaks into the ladies locker room. Not that I would ever contemplate doing something so filthy if I were in his shoes.

-Ice my be getting a promotion. If you listen closely, you’ll hear the sound of me not caring.

-If Ice makes everything she touches and steps on freeze, how come everything in this place isn’t frozen? Another scene, another plot hole.

-The Flash is trying to get a job as a waiter. He’d be better suited for a fast food position. If the movie can make lame puns, then so can I.

-Ice is being interviewed again. This time about a date she had where she kept freezing everything. You know, like the audience’s attention.


-According to Ice, she can prevent herself from freezing things by being calm. I’m sure they’ll ignore this again like they did earlier.

-Atom has a crush on Ice. It’s like they set the Justice League in “Beverly Hills 90210”.

-“She’s more than a pretty girl, guy.” She’s a bad actress to boot.

-Green Lantern created a set of keys to open a door. Atom trumped him by using a credit card. Burn!

-Green Lantern’s girlfriend is at the convention. Go figure.

-Atom is being interviewed again and is stating that he could be the “hard guy”. The only thing hard about him is his erection anytime he sees Ice.

-Is Atom recording footage with a pen? I didn’t know Q worked for JLA.

-Atom shrunk himself and is playing limbo with a security system. I kid you not.

-Atom is hacking into their computer system. How much do you want to bet he’s going to look up porn?

-Green Lantern’s girlfriend showed up with another man, so Fire is pretending to be his date. It’s like an episode of “Saved by the Bell”, without the appeal.

-Ice’s coworker is growing tired of Miguel constantly annoying him. How long until he joins forces with the Weatherman and nags the JLA to death?

-“I’ll give you a priority!” That’s what she said!

-The Senator missed the party, screwing Miguel’s chances of nailing whatever deal it is he was aiming for. I’d care if I knew what was going on. That’s a lie. I probably still wouldn’t care.

-Ice found Atom snooping around in the offices. I bet he wishes he got caught watching porn instead of reading files. At least that would be understandable and not nerdy.

-Atom’s line of defense to get out of the situation was to have Ice look at the computer, then he bolted. I guess when your dealing with someone with the IQ of a pet rock, something so simple would work.

-The guards are chasing after Atom, but he shrunk and disappeared from their sight. It bothers me that everything is so easy for these guys. At least give them a challenge so I feel this viewing was somewhat worthwhile. As of right now, I’m watching superheroes reenact a soap opera.

-Atom is being interviewed about changing sizes. Apparently, some parts of his body remain small once he grows big again. Must resist penis joke!

-Atom says his voice sometimes remains shrill and high pitched. He gave us an example, which was essentially  a watered down version of a Mickey Mouse impression. Please shoot me!

-Ice just saved Atom’s ass by telling the guards she accidentally tripped the alarm. I guess a certain part of her body is wet and not because of her new icy demeanor.

-You’re telling me they found a file on the computer that can manipulate the weather? How in the hell does that work? Just give the Weatherman superpowers and call it a day.

-I guess we’re supposed to believe Ice’s coworker is the Weatherman. He’s too lanky and shrill to fit the description. Which means he’ll be revealed as the Weatherman.

-I love how The Flash is spying on Ice’s coworker in his costume. It seems incredibly pointless and a little creepy.


-He’s chasing after the guy’s car. I guess that explains the costume, though he didn’t need it earlier to run fast. Why am I complaining about him wearing the costume? Has this movie broken me this much that I’m reduced to complaining about them wearing their costumes?

-The Flash confronted the man, only to discover he was transporting his self-made weather forecaster to his boss. I’ve seen better plot twists on an episode of “Barney”.

-Ice went to get the briefcase, but it’s missing. Why would she want to get sprayed with that icy smoke again?

-Ice just discovered that Miguel is the Weatherman. He films himself in front of a green screen that somehow adds a mask to his face. Words cannot describe how dreadfully asinine this movie is.

-Miguel is chasing Ice. The audience is chasing channels for something better to watch.

-She froze the door, which gave Miguel frostbite. That’ll show him.

-The Flash is still looking for another job. I’m still looking for something remotely good in this rubbish.

-Ice is at JLA headquarters. It’s sad that a bachelor pad is their headquarters.

-“There’s not many science teachers named Ray Palmer.” Thank you for this wonderful piece of insight, Ice!

-“I feel like such an idiot!” You took this role, so I don’t blame you.

-How long does it take to say that Miguel Ferrer is the Weatherman? I swear I could find the meaning of life before she spills the beans to Atom.

-Atom and Ice are being interviewed. Why are they spoiling the movie by showing interviews that obviously take place after the events of this film?

-“Nice can be sexy.” I call bullshit!

-Fire is going jogging; Martin is joining her. My attention (and the plot) is running dry.

-Fire and Martin are connecting. I think I’m going to hurl.

-How did Martin save up a whole month’s allowance on a gift for Fire if he’s only known her for a few days?

-Fire is being interviewed about Christmas when she was four years old. What does that have anything to do with this? Are we going to interview The Flash next about his bedwetting problems when he was a kid?

-Fire set the Christmas tree on fire because she didn’t get what she wanted. Sounds like one of my exes.

-Wait a minute. Why are we getting a news report of another of the Weatherman’s failed attacks? Why didn’t we get to see the mudslide? Way to screw the viewers out of the action! I don’t care if it was most likely going to be shitty anyway. I came this far. At least let me see it.

-“I don’t deserve all the credit.” Nobody deserves any credit for this pile of horseshit.

-“Looks like our Weatherman is gone with the wind.” Go fuck yourselves!

-Atom and Ice are being interviewed again. We don’t get to see the mudslide, but we do get to see these two lovebirds sickeningly fawn over each other. Gee, thanks!

-The JLA’s secret headquarters (not their bachelor pad) is hidden under a bridge. The fact that the door is very visible defeats the purpose of it being hidden.

-Do they have an aquarium in their headquarters? Is Aquaman going to be making an appearance?

-Miguel Ferrer is the leader of the Justice League. What?!? Then why is he also the Weatherman? Unless he was trying to convince Ice to contact Atom. If that’s the case, what an incredibly dumb way of going about that.

-By the way, his hand was turning green earlier because he’s an alien who only has limited time in a human body. But, hasn’t he been her boss for years? Either he’s impersonating her boss (which makes me question what happened to her boss) or his definition of limited is different than mine.

-“Your first alien, I presume?” “I met Leonard Nimoy once.” Clearly, the screenwriters never met a reference they couldn’t turn down.

-John Jones (the leader’s actual name) came to America because his planet didn’t have the same freedoms we do and he wants to protect our rights. Even Captain America wasn’t this forced.


-“I’m not a superhero.” Don’t worry. None of these people are.

-“I’ll teach you, just like I taught all of them.” She’s screwed!

-“Do you think they all knew what they were doing when they started?” I don’t think they know what they’re doing currently.

-“What seems like a curse can become a gift.” I’ve heard some people describe pregnancy like this.

-Another interview with Fire, Flash and Green Lantern. For once, why not interview them about something important and intriguing?

-“And, you know, he’s green.” This is how the Green Lantern described John Jones. I guess he was helping the blind viewers (listeners?) who were tuning in.

-Martin’s way of coping with his troubles with Fire is by getting a vanilla shake. That and he’s discussing his problems with the ice cream man (who just so happened to guess that he’s having woman troubles simply because he ordered a vanilla shake). If they thought this was going to be funny, they were half right. I’m laughing, but not with them. I’m laughing at them. Huge difference.

-Why does the ice cream man have a television set in his truck?

-Martin seen the news report and recognized the earrings that Fire is wearing as the ones he got her earlier. You know, because there aren’t more than one pair that exist.

-We’re getting a flashback on how Atom became a member of JLA. It’s a little too late for character development. Maybe if you cut the insipid interviews and focused on this, you’d be better off right now.

-Atom got his powers from a rock. Are you fucking kidding me?!?

-“I was embarrassed to tell anyone.” The sentiments of everybody who worked on this pilot.

-Atom was engaged? Why do I find this hard to believe?

-Atom’s sad back story is convincing Ice to join JLA. Is she joining out of pity?

-Atom basically just called out scientists for not doing a damn thing. Isn’t he high and mighty?

-Atom revealed his true identity to Ice. What if she declines to join and spills the beans on your identity? Didn’t think of that, did you buddy? This is what happens when you let lust take over.

-Another Atom and Ice interview. This time, they’re regaling a tale of Ice freezing Atom into an ice cube and putting him in her friend’s drink. What purpose does this have to the story?

-They just cut from one interview with Atom and Ice to another featuring the two. Why?!?

-Ice made her dog’s water bowl freeze by accident. Accident or no accident, that’s animal cruelty.

-Ice is making her partners sick by teaching herself how to make things freeze with her mind. She’s done this countless times already. She should know how to do it by now.

-Another interview with Atom and Ice. Enough already!

-I get it. Ray’s nice and Ice likes him for that. Move on!

-Fire is going to meet Martin. I guess contacting your stalker is more important than training your new partner.

-Fire and Green Lantern dated twice. That adds nothing to the story outside of tension that wasn’t needed. Wonderful.

-The Weatherman is making another announcement. Apparently, he’s real tired of these videos. Me and him have something in common.

-The Weatherman looks like The Invisible Man from ‘Da Hood.

-Just give the Weatherman twenty million dollars and end this already!

-Did Fire try to convince Martin she (the person) wasn’t the superhero while wearing the costume without her mask on? Sloth from “The Goonies” was smarter than her.

-Never mind. She’s not wearing the costume. Just clothing that heavily matches her attire. My mistake.

-Martin bought the earrings in France and held on to them for someone special. Fire, just set him ablaze and save yourself before he rapes you.

-“You really are a good actress.” That was the funniest line in this movie.

-John Jones is impersonating Fire, that way Martin doesn’t find out her true identity. Once again, just set him ablaze. That’ll solve the dilemma.

-Instead of setting Martin on Fire, she set a chair on fire. How lame!

-Fire gave the earrings back to Martin. This is the most heartbreaking episode of “Days Of Our Lives” ever!

-Seeing Fire speak in John Jones’ voice is freaking me out.

-Miguel is at Ice’s house to smooth things over. Hold on a minute. I thought John Jones was Miguel. Unless he was just impersonating him, making Miguel the Weatherman. Which doesn’t make much sense, as he’s been turning green and having pains since the beginning of the film. This points to John Jones always being Miguel. Yet, here he is as Miguel and Ice is treating him as the bad guy. My head hurts!

-“I know you’re disappointed.” Disappointed is too light of a word.

-Miguel became the evil Weatherman to prove a point. That being to give him his funding. Yet, if he sold the idea, he’d get the funding. Why do I keep expecting logic to appear?

-Miguel knows about Ice’s powers. How? The same way everybody else does. Anytime she walks or touches something, it turns to ice. Not hard to figure out.

-Ice just shoved Miguel, partially freezing him. Why not go all the way and end this?

-The Weatherman is going to hit Metro City with a tidal wave. It’s about time he used something effective.

-Ice got set up. The briefcase she brought to JLA Headquarters isn’t the weather transmitter. It’s a tracking device. Way to screw up your first mission!

-The Weatherman is boiling JLA Headquarters. The only thing that would make this better is if the Mortal Kombat “Toasty!” guy would pop up.

-Ice is asked to freeze something in order to combat the Weatherman’s flames. She tries for about two seconds, then gives up. Tell me again why they chose her?

-Remember that pointless gum trick with the TV from earlier? It’s coming in handy now to patch the door. I shit you not!

-“Where I come from, three hundred degrees is a beach day.” John Jones shouldn’t be allowed to crack jokes.

-The JLA escaped their Headquarters and are going after the Weatherman. Except for Ice. They’re making her stay behind. Is it wrong that I’m laughing at that?

-“I thought that maybe I could help.” You just gave up a minute ago. Now you want to help. Make up your mind, Ice!

-“How did you ever escape?” “Juicy Fruit.” That may be one of the worst product placements in film history.

-Atom is riding on Fire’s shoulders. Too bad there’s not another Atom to act as the Devil on her other shoulder.


-A guidance counselor just bailed on five children in the midst of a tidal wave. What a dick!

-The Flash can pick up four kids, but not five. That poor fifth kid always gets picked last.

-The Weatherman tossed the weather manipulator off the satellite tower, preventing Green Lantern from retrieving it. Except he could use his ring to create a fishing line to retrieve it. How is it that I can think of a better script off the top of my head than the screenwriters could given months of work?

-People are trampling all over each other to avoid the tidal wave. A tidal wave that doesn’t seem to be nearing the city at all, mind you.

-Flash came back for the other kid. A bunch more came out of nowhere. If he ditched the kid waiting for them, I’ll track him down and bitch slap him.

-He didn’t leave the kid. The tidal wave is coming and they can’t get out of the way. In a sense, he screwed the kid over, as the other four got to safety. I’m too lazy to track him down and bitch slap him. Sorry!

-Ice saved the day by freezing the Tidal Wave.. What happens if it breaks?

-So, Fire and Atom did nothing? Good for them.

-The Weatherman is caught and the day is saved. The only thing not saved is the time I wasted on this drivel.

-We’re not done. All four members of the JLA are outside of Ice’s house. She just told them to go away. Where did this tension come from?

-Atom shrunk and came into the house anyway. Isn’t that breaking and entering?

-That’s right, they left her behind. That’s why she’s angry. To be fair, they had a good reason. Ice gave up in the middle of a serious situation. I’d leave her behind, too.

-“You can’t say no!” That won’t hold up in court.

-Fire created Ice a costume. Holy shit, it’s blue! They actually got the color scheme of a costume correct. It took them long enough.

-“With all these guys around, I kind of need a sister friend.” Fire was getting tired of being the only girl at the orgies.

-John Jones is talking to Ice via a hologram. George Lucas must have flipped when he seen this.

-Green Lantern has a date with his ex. Did we really need that storyline wrapped up? If anything, them breaking up should have been the end.

-Fire is going to meet Martin’s new girlfriend. That’s not weird at all.

-The Flash became a counselor at a group home. At least when he ditches the children, he’ll get out of there fast.

-Atom doesn’t have to go anywhere. Him and Ice are getting lunch. I bet they’ll discuss how nice he us.

-By the way, remember that question I posed earlier about her knowing their identities before joining? They solved that issue by having her ask Atom about it. His response: “Don’t ask.” Fuck you!

-Miguel is going to jail. Before that, the cops must make lousy weatherman jokes. That may be worse than prison.

-Miguel pulled a trinket out of his pocket and burned his handcuffs loose. Oh fuck me!

-We’re back at JLA Headquarters. Just end already!

-Ice is being sworn in. Good for her. Just end please!

-“Welcome, Tori, to the Justice League!” By the way, we’re cancelled. Sorry you couldn’t stay longer.

-One more interview with Ice. I’m about to fucking lose it!

-The film closes with the JLA walking into the camera. Finally!


That’s “Justice League of America”. I can’t possibly see how they thought this was a good idea. It’s as if they purposely sabotaged it. The acting’s bad, the storyline is beyond cheesy, the effects are lame and they can’t even get the costumes’ coloring correct. It’s hard to believe how badly they failed. What’s frightening is imaging this actually becoming a series. Thankfully, that never happened!

I’ll see you all next week!