Blockbuster Porn: Spider-Man XXX

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Posted on May 1, 2012

This movie has all you wanted and more

Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody is the first film we’re looking at in this month’s celebration of Vivid’s adaptations of big-budget summer super-hero blockbusters. For the next four weeks this column is back on a weekly schedule, giving you FAN’s a look at this summer’s hottest movies through a more perverted lens. We’re starting with Spider-Man because Peter’s my boy, and it’s the one I’m most likely to look the harshest at. Since that means I’ll be getting super nerdy, I quite frankly couldn’t hold off.

Super nerdy means it just may be a while 'till I get to the girls, so Betty Brant will have to tide you over for a bit while I geek out.

The movie opens with a fairly accurate recount of Electro’s origin from Amazing Spider-Man 9. Max Dillon is working on an electrical pole when it’s struck by lightning, giving him awesome new powers. The opening credits roll, and they’re very reminiscent of the Spider-Man franchises beginning sequences. Less than a minute in and this Spidey-fan is really impressed with what they’re doing. I know the sex is the money-maker, but there’s a strong dedication to the source materials and it only grows as the movie progresses.

Yeah, this isn't his origin page. But its an awesome hype splash to open the story.

After a helicopter shot of New York we get some classic J. Jonah Jameson, as he laments the downfall of his hero Kraven the Hunter for being framed for murder by Spider-Man. I’m no expert, but I don’t think this is a reference to anything in particular. If it is, join the forums or let me know on my Twitter. Talking comics is fun. The rest of the Kraven conversation makes it sound like the plot of, Amazing Spider-Man 15, Kraven’s debut. He had come to New York to hunt Spider-Man down as a favour to Chameleon, the first super-villain Spidey ever fought. A lot to like in the issue, but I really enjoyed these two J.J. panels, from the beginning and the end of the book.

J.J. - a real asshole but I love him

The next nerdy shout-out we get is to Spider-Man fighting the Juggernaut and destroying a building. The most notorious fight between the two also involved X-Force (X-Force 4/Spider-Man 16), with the Juggernaut leveling the World Trade Center. It’s an exciting couple of issues, with Todd McFarlane and Rob Leifeld both delivering some fantastic action sequences. I know talking shit about Rob Leifeld is what the cool kids do, but in this time-frame he really was a dynamic artist and it’s easy to see why fans flocked to guys like him and McFarlane.

The late 80's and early 90's rule

More-likely though, the comment was tied to Amazing Spider-Man 229. An absolutely DEFINITVE Spider-Man story by Roger Stern and John Romita Jr., the brief story revolves around Madame Web asking for Peter’s help from an unknown menace, which turns out to be Cain Marko as he was hired to kidnap her. The first issue is page after page of Spider-Man trying in vain to slow Juggernaut down as he heads toward web, with Juggy being nothing more than annoyed at his constant attempts. There’s one scene where he has Peter on his back and literally walks through a building to scrape him off. It concludes in issue 230 as, the issues cover boasts, Peter has to “fight the unbeatable foe”. This is one of those stories that fans tell their friends about when they’re talking about what makes Spider-Man Spider-Man. ‘Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut’ is one of my favourite comic arcs of all-time.

Haters gonna hate

And from Juggernaut, not a single fuck was given

Back in the movie, we’re discovering continuity doesn’t flow perfectly from the comics to this parody. Norman Osborn is dead (which happened at the end of the classic Amazing Spider-Man 122), but Peter arrives at home to find out Aunt May has a houseguest boarding with her: Mary Jane Watson. In this story they knew each other growing up, but Capri Anderson as MJ does her best to live up to her Amazing Spider-Man 49 reveal and delivers her classic line.

Don't worry, more pictures of real women are next! But they usually don't compare to Romita gals...

Still, I may Nick Katzenberg this MJ if the chance comes up.

Capri makes a damn sexy MJ, I do have to say. It’s the Stan Lee original party-girl mode, and with that limited screen time she gets we do have a sense that she’s a bit wild. Peter is played by Xander Corvus, who won me over as Data during the Star Trek TNG parody. Part of me wants him to be a little nerdier then he is, but this seems to be more college-era Parker, and Corvus fits that mold pretty well. Peter wasn’t the most popular guy in the world, but he had become his own man both in and out of the costume. The biggest problem with Robert Black’s J.J. is that J.K. Simmons simply WAS that role. But Black makes a very fun Jameson, with Jonah’s blind ambition and sense of humour. I had to laugh at some of his deliveries. “Language Ms. Brant. This is a family newspaper GOD DAMMIT”.

Excellent Spider-Man threads

Robert Black knows who is and isn't a menace

I bypassed two of the other character who had appeared so far, Robbie Robertson (Tyler Knight) and Betty Brant (Sarah Shevon), Peter’s first romance. They share the first sex scene in the movie, but more importantly they’re both very good as their respective characters. Betty is someone I was never overly fond off, but reading the Lee/Ditko stories really grew on me. It wasn’t surprised to see her, but I wasn’t expecting to either. Again, good dedication to the source. And I can’t complain about any movie where three of Peter Parker’s love interests get sex scenes, especially since that means I get a blonde, redhead, and brunette.

Not a fan of Ditko women, so this is a HUGE step up :D

Dick Delaware is a strong Electro, with a good build and commanding voice. I think Electro is a villain who gets over-looked by comic fans sometimes as a joke, but when well-done he’s incredibly powerful and menacing and came off as such, even if he is extremely underused. As the movie went along I saw that would be its biggest draw-back; there’s too much character to be fit in with the sex to give everyone their due. Well, at least in the time he did have we got his origin, a fight, and he banged Tara Lynn Foxx. That’s better than most villains get in Hollywood super-hero flicks. Electro had a really good costume too, very comic-authentic. Tara played ‘Shocked Hooker’, which is a spoiler for what happens to her after the scene. And unless I missed a cut somewhere, Kingpin was just hanging out watching the whole. That’s not weird, because Tara has some amazing breasts, and I was right there with him peeping in on the good times. He’s played by Peter O’Tool, and he hires Electro to do a job for him. We also find out the origin of Max Dillon was a flashback, and he’s tangled with Spider-Man before.

SEE!? Comic costumes can work in real life! FUCKING AVENGERS MAKING HAWKEYE GENERIC AS SHIT

"Yes! They're even better dead!"

Now I know some of you want me to address this, so I will. I said Aunt May was running a boarding house, and I didn’t mention that she first started that in Amazing Spider-Man 238, which is also the first appearance of the Hobgoblin. I can only imagine the wrath I’d have been hit with if I hadn’t included that information!

Love the Hobgoblin.

The next scene takes place with Peter and MJ leaving a Dazzler concert he had taken her to. Dazzler of course was introduced in 1979’s Uncanny X-Men 130, and I’m a little upset she didn’t make an appearance here because disco-era Dazzler porn would probably be pretty great. The screen flashes red, and in this movie its Peter’s spider-sense. He makes up an excuse about forgetting his phone, and runs off. Around the corner comes a group of thugs, and they say and imply some very uncomfortable things about whats possibly going to happen with our favourite redhead (not that girl Jen I used to work with). Spider-Man shows up and cleans house, and we get our first little cringe-worthy moment. This is obviously not on par with the big-budget franchise, so the webbing looks fairly bad. Very forgivable though, and clearly the movie is trying its best to put out a solid representation. Later on there’s a scene of Spider-Man web-swinging that’s the same way – much to still and lifeless – but that’s probably the biggest complaint I’d have for the movie and that’s a good thing.

Spoilers for the aftermath on the top of this review

The thugs are defeated and Capri and Xander re-enact the famous upside-down kiss from 2002’s Spider-Man. But they it gets better, as he lowers himself further and we get a pretty thorough inverted blowjob. Thank you movie. Spider-Man disappears, Parker appears, and off the two of them go.

Ash Hollywood is gorgeous. I wouldn't throw her off a bridge for eating crackers, if you know what I mean.

We pick up another night, as Electro begins his mission for the Kingpin of Crime. Peter, MJ, Gwen Stacy (Ash Hollywood), and Flash Thompson (Seth Dickens) were out on a double-date, when lights start shutting off all-over the city. Making up an excuse about needing to check on Aunt May, Peter ducks out. Gwen lights a few candles and then starts to light MJ’s fire, and a part of me is really sad it’s Flash that gets this threesome. But you know, that’s the Parker luck. And it’s why we all identify with him; he has to deal with a ton of shit for no good reason, and some fucking asshole we know is out banging two chicks. Great scene though, Ash Hollywood is a very beautiful woman and looks a great deal like Gwen. I’m just not going to masturbate to it out of principle. I got your back Spidey.

Here's a pic, which makes me sad because I'm sure I would have enjoyed masturbating to this :(

The confrontation between Electro and Spider-Man isn’t too terribly exciting. With the limited special effects it is able to tell a story, and Electro does reference Amazing Spider-Man 9 and subsequent battles between the two by pointing out there’s no water for his to short out on. I’m actually a little fuzzy on the end, but I think Peter made him overload or something. But Electro’s goons got away, with whatever they had been sent to steal. Out of the shadows come Brooklyn Lee, a girl I’m not overly familiar with but have been seeing pop up more and more, as Black Widow. A few of the people I’ve talked to about this movie said the same thing to me; “what does Black Widow have to do with Spider-Man?”

Brooklyn Lee as Black Widow

And I had questions too, because from the boxcover and back I would have placed the storyline between Amazing 50-105 or so. Assuming they were continuity nerds. It wasn’t the case, but Black Widow would have easily fallen into that category if it had been. Natasha Romanova first made an appearance as a villain in Tales of Suspense 52, in 1964. She later teamed up with Hawkeye to continue troubling Iron Man, until she reformed. In this movie she’s wearing her iconic look; skin-tight suit with a big gold belt. She had a very different look before this, but the one we all know and love her in came into existence where? Amazing Spider-Man 86.

Swingin' indeed

Black Widow is challenging Spider-Man (who unbeknownst to her is having trouble with his powers) to see if she can learn anything from him. It serves as a lead in to her first solo comic strip, a split title with the Inhumans in the magazine Amazing Adventures. But for some really fun comics, look for ‘Web of Intrigue’, from Marvel Fanfare 10-13. It’s an over-the-top spy adventure, with George Perez pencils.

It was probably a nice view in the tub until she shot his face off.

In Spider-Man XXX she’s working with the Avengers and SHIELD, and wants Spider-man to help find what was taken since he’s more familiar with Electro’s circles than anyone else. I like the dialogue the two share, there’s a hint of wise-ass Spidey that was missing in the Raimi films.

“You’re too funny. You should do stand-up.”
“I prefer upside down”

When Spider-Man doesn’t want to help, Widow says “What can I do to convince you?” which is followed instantly by a smooth porn jam. Gotta love those. I laughed. The convincing was sex, so spoilers again sorry. She also keeps her costume on for the scene, and I mention that because a buddy was adamant about how much he hates when they don’t. I guess I get it, otherwise you’d just be jerking off to a hot girl, who wants that? For the ladies, Spider-Man trying to suck a nipple through his mask is priceless.

I can't show the nipple sucking, sorry. But I enjoyed her nipples, for what that's worth.

The movie ends with a series of teasers, and there is a sequel coming this summer. The Kingpin gets what he wants…Captain America’s shield! And Aunt May gets a new boarder…Doctor Octopus! It’s James Bartholet, who I enjoyed so much in Patridge Family XXX, and he tells me he has a much bigger role in the upcoming Spider-Man vs Superman film! So, guess that means I need to look at Superman XXX next week to be all caught up!

In the meantime, if you want to read any of the stories I mentioned (I prefer to know the backstory of things I jerk off too) here’s some collected editions of stories I mentioned:

‘Nothing Can Stop the Juggernaut’ can be most recently found in Marvel Visionaries: John Romita Jr. and Spider-Man: The Gauntlet v.4  Juggernaut. However later this year the story will be available, with more of Roger Stern’s run, in a Marvel Premiere Classic hardcover. If you don’t mind black and white then Essential Spider-Man v. 10 is also new.

Spider-Man and X-Force’s battle with the Juggernaut is available in the hardcover X-Force: A Force to be Reckoned With.

Electro’s first appearance is most easily found in Essential Spider-Man v.1, or the recently out of print Amazing Spider-Man Omnibus v.1 . Prices have greatly risen on that book though. Kaven’s first appearance is there as well.

Mary Jane’s debuet appearance in full can be found in the new Amazing Spider-Man Omnibus v.2, Essential Spider-Man v. 2, Marvel Visionaries: John Romita Sr, and Mary Jane/Spider-Man You Just Hit the Jackpot, a retrospective on their lives together.

Amazing Spider-Man 86 is in Essential Spider-Man v4, and Black Widow: Sting of the Widow. ‘Web of Intrigue’ is collected in a hardcover of the same name.

And read all about the Hobgoblin in Spider-Man: Origin of the Hobgoblin! He’s not in this movie, but do it! I wouldn’t have mentioned Amazing Spider-Man 238 if it wasn’t awesome. Follow that up with Spider-Man: Hobgoblin Lives!