Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia. Remember that movie “The Tooth Fairy” with The Rock that came out two years ago? Have you been clamoring for a sequel to it. I didn’t think so. Well, we got one anyway. This time, Larry the Cable Guy is the star. We went from macho man in a pink tutu to a slob in a pink tutu. I’m sure the third one will have a weakling donning the tutu. I hear Nick Swardson’s available.
So kick back, relax, put on your pink tutu and enjoy my torture of “Tooth Fairy 2”!
-When I think of tooth fairies, I don’t think of country music.
-You can win a Camaro just by bowling. What you can’t win is your sanity back after watching this tripe.
-Larry the Cable Guy has a hot girlfriend. Hahahahahahahaha! Wait a minute. They’re serious?!?
-Larry’s blowing off a kid’s birthday party to go bowling. Why not just have the birthday party at the bowling alley?
-A nice, suave and sophisticated gentlemen is wooing Larry’s girlfriend. Larry’s chances of keeping her are about as much as Jason Russell’s of not getting caught masturbating in public.
-This man runs a car dealership. What does Larry do, chew tobacco?
-Why does Larry go by Larry in most of his movies? Is he too stupid to answer to any other name?
-Would you really want to be Larry’s sloppy seconds?
-Larry’s rival, Beauregard Billings (what a name!), picked someone else’s name from the raffle. He announced Larry’s instead. I know it’s so he’ll miss the birthday party and get him in hot water with Brooke. However, it’s still too nice of a gesture for a bad guy to do. Unless he kicks Larry in the nuts every time he bowls.
-“How awesome is this? It’s like winning an Oscar.” This will be the closest Larry will ever get to winning an Oscar.
-“You just don’t get it, do you?” No, I don’t. Who in their right mind thought “The Tooth Fairy” needed a sequel?
-All Larry has to do is make a 7-10 split. I hear this is how he won this acting gig.
-Larry needs nachos in order to make the 7-10 split. I could make a fat joke, but that would be too easy.
-Slipping on nachos gave Larry the 7-10 split, as well as getting a strikeout on every other lane. If professional bowling was this exciting, it’d be America’s pasttime.
-One year (and fifteen minutes of fame) later, Larry has the car, but no girlfriend or fan base. Didn’t we all predict this years ago?
-Of course Larry’s an auto-mechanic. What else would he be? A science teacher?
-Beauregard, who is now a mayoral candidate, is going to marry Brooke. Good for him. Larry, don’t fret. Just make love to your Camaro.
-“I thought she was just playing hard to get.” She’s playing impossible to get.
-“Why don’t you channel that anger into repairing a car instead of doing something stupid?” This is Larry we’re talking about. Doing something stupid is his life calling.
-“Stupid ain’t in my vocabulary.” Not many words are.
-The gag is that Larry is too stupid to put his hood down before driving. That’s the type of humor I’m dealing with. What’s next? Does he forget to unzip his pants when he takes a piss?
-There’s no better way to win over a woman’s heart then to interrupt her doing whilst working at a daycare center while dressed as a reject from the local biker gang. It’s how Donald Trump won over all of his wives.
-The little girl mistook Larry for the janitor. So did everybody else when watching his stand-up comedy.
-Being able to bowl made Larry the Metro County Miracle. If that’s a miracle in this town, I don’t want to see their disaster.
-“What are they teaching kids nowadays? Obviously, not about me.” You mean my Larry 101 classes were useless? Aw, son of a bitch!
-“He hasn’t worked an honest day in his life.” He is running for mayor, so not being honest is perfect.
-“Just because you never grew up doesn’t mean other people can’t.” BURN!
-“You slipped on nacho cheese and got lucky.” Never thought I’d hear that phrase in my life.
-“I don’t want awesome. I want an adult.” Sorry, Miz.
-Beau drives a pick-up truck and Larry drives a Camaro. What is this, bizarro land?
-Is Beau trying to get little kids to vote for him? His campaign is worse than the High School bully who is trying to run for secretary.
-He shortens Beauregard as Bo. Beau Bridges needs to teach him a lesson in English.
-Larry just paid a bunch of kids to throw water balloons at Bo. Tell me again why I’m supposed to root for him.
-Bo is chiseled out of stone. Larry is chiseled out of cheese.
-“Growing up stinks!” This is why Larry chose the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. The only grown up thing he has to do is put on a clean pair of pants.
-“True love is a fairy tale, just like the tooth fairy.” I’d believe in the tooth fairy before I believe in true love.
-It’d be funnier if Larry just now found out the tooth fairy didn’t exist.
-Larry is hiding behind a little girl. That’s like an elephant hiding behind a mouse. At least the elephant won’t be mistaken for a pedophile.
-Larry spends his nights watching the news cast of him winning the Camaro. I guess that’s better than watching his comedy act.
-Flashback to happier times. No, it’s not to a time when this movie didn’t exist. It’s when Larry and Brooke were going out. Fine, happier times for him, depressing times for her.
-“You know what happens when you eat too much chicken.” You become the KFC mascot.
-They’re having a barbeque sauce mustache contest over the last chicken wing. I’ve seen ten year olds on more romantic dates than these two.
-“Nothing beats a Tom Selleck.” Tom Selleck as the tooth fairy. Now there’s a sequel I’d watch.
-“Maybe we should put our mustaches together and see what happens.” Believe it or not, Brooke said this, not Larry.
-Larry is about to stop Brooke from making the biggest mistake of her life. Too late. She already agreed to star in this movie.
-Larry’s bed is growing green. Damn those hookers!
-“Department of Dissemination of Disbelief.” They must have a wing designated to Larry’s popularity. The guy working there is going crazy trying to figure out his appeal.
-Larry is in a pink tutu. Just what I always wanted to see. Thank you, Hollywood.
-“Cheese and crackers, she was right. I’m a chicken.” What chicken is pink and has angelic wings?
-In the first “Tooth Fairy”, Julie Andrews was the leader of the tooth fairies. This time, we’re stuck with an annoying little twerp named Nyx. Ugh.
-“Then this is just a chicken-induced hallucination. I’ve OD’d on enough chicken to know what I’m talking about.” I bet you have.
-Being a tooth fairy legend is like being the best player on the worst football team. It’s not much to brag about.
-Larry is naming off every type of chicken now. When did they let him rewrite the script?
-“I love chicken!” Good for you. You know what I love? Good movies. Doesn’t seem like today is my day.
-I wonder what would have happened in Larry said the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. Would he have sprouted a bushy tail and shit out eggs to hide?
-There’s magic in teeth from kids who believe in the Tooth Fairy. Is there poison in children’s teeth that don’t believe in the tooth fairy?
-If Larry doesn’t become a tooth fairy, his best memory will be taken away. Really?!?
-I wouldn’t trust giving grown men in tutus sleeping powder when they’re dealing with children.
-Of course, Larry would smell the sleeping powder and fall asleep. He’s as smart as a dodo bird.
-If somebody sees Larry as the tooth fairy, all he has to do is douse them with amnesia powder. Any chance I can get a hold of that after this movie? I’d like to forget I ever watched this garbage.
-Larry believes he had a nightmare. I hope this movie is just a nightmare. I don’t like the idea that they spent a ton of money on this while there are starving children across the world.
-Larry is going to join the after school program to win back Brooke’s heart. No, he isn’t going to help the children. He’s going to be babysat, just like them.
-Hugging and kissing random children will land you in prison, Larry.
-If you ever wanted to watch kids suffer from first world problems, this movie’s for you.
-She had to let her entire staff go? Isn’t this a volunteer daycare?
-She’s letting Larry work for the daycare. This is the dumbest decision she’s ever made since hooking her sister up with O.J. Simpson.
-One minute later and Larry has lost control of the children. Funny, one minute into this movie and he lost interest in the audience.
-“We’re bored.” It could be worse, kid. You could be watching this.
-Larry’s suggestions for activities are hunting and a snowball fight in Florida. He was probably the one who suggested New Coke.
-“You don’t need to have snow to have a good snowball fight.” You’re an idiot!
-Instead of making snowballs out of flour, why not just have a water balloon fight?
-I haven’t seen this much powder be thrown around a movie set since the last “Cheech and Chong” movie.
-Brooke just got hit with a flour snowball. Nothing says love like being covered in white powder.
-“You were supposed to be setting a good example.” It’s your fault. Why would you trust Larry with children? That’s like trusting Winona Ryder at a Golden Saks.
-“You’re not ready for any kind of responsibility.” He’s also not ready to act.
-“I was having fun with the kids.” Most grown men don’t have fun with children by covering them with their homemade white liquid.
-Larry is having his worst nightmare; turning into a tooth fairy in the middle of a football game.
-Larry is slapping himself. This is the pinnacle of entertainment.
-“Larry, why are you dressed like a ballerina?” They didn’t want to make “Delta Farce 2”, so he got stuck with this.
-Larry’s excuse for dressing in a tutu is that he’s in the Nutcracker. Funny, I don’t remember the Nutcracker resembling Nick Nolte on a drunken night out on the town.
-Larry is doing ballet. I’m speechless.
-“I usually don’t dance good without my rod.” Oh, how many jokes I could make.
-Larry finally came to his senses and used the amnesia powder on his friends. If only this were 3D and that powder would work on me.
-Did he just pull the address of the kid he has to retrieve a tooth from out of his junk?
-When a grown man wearing a tutu pulls up to your house in a Camaro in the middle of the night, it’s time to call the police.
-Larry just got chased by a pig named Crusher. Who owns a pig as a pet (outside of Homer Simpson)?
-Larry just jumped into garbage. That must be where he found the script.
-“I ain’t afraid of no pig.” I don’t know. Babe wasn’t one to be fucked with.
-Sleeping dust on a moonpie. Roofies for rednecks.
-My idea of entertainment isn’t Larry the Cable guy drugging a pig.
-Larry is hiding behind the couch and watching football. If a grown man in a tutu broke into my house to watch football, I don’t know if I’d call the cops or the insane asylum.
-They recognized Larry as the Metro City Miracle. Those poor souls.
-“I don’t sing without my rod.” He’s just begging for me to make a joke.
-How did he run out of amnesia powder already?
-Larry failed his first task as a tooth fairy. Instead of punishing him by taking away one of his memories, can you give us a treat for sitting through this garbage and replace him with Tom Selleck?
-Nyx broke into Larry’s house and is making everything pink. Sounds like the act of a crazy ex-girlfriend, not a disgruntled tooth fairy worker.
-“That’s the biggest bass I’ve ever had that didn’t require batteries.” At least the biggest ass you have that does require batteries isn’t pink. The front is, though. ;)
-What’s worse than taking Larry’s memory away? His career?
-Larry’s house is now pink. The highest form of comedy, folks.
-“What am I, Lady Gaga?” Random celebrity mention used for a joke. Who does he think he is, me?
-Did Larry just tell that one kid he looked like an apple?
-Burritos and juice boxes aren’t a good mix. Just ask my toilet.
-The fact that Larry is going to prove to the kids that the tooth fairy exists by breaking into their house in a pink tutu greatly disturbs me.
-Larry is going back to the house with the pig. I’m sure the little girl got rid of her tooth by now.
-Stop being distracted by television and get the little kid’s tooth already!
-Larry just farted pixie dust. That’ll top my list of things I never wanted to see.
-Larry won’t stop farting pixie dust. I won’t start laughing.
-Larry’s hiding under the little girl’s bed from her father. Stop making the jokes easy for me to write!
-Larry got the tooth, but not before farting some more. Oh joy.
-You retrieved a little girl’s tooth. That’s nothing to brag about, Larry. Retrieve a sleeping bear’s tooth and then you can start bragging.
-Larry needs to get nine more teeth to finish his sentence. This is worse for us than it is him. The more teeth he needs, the longer this movie is.
-Larry is dressed as a pig fairy. No joke is necessary.
-Larry is acting like a pig. By that, I mean he’s acting like himself.
-A couple of kids don’t like Larry’s tooth fairy story. Those are the ones who will grow up to be successful.
-Larry is convincing the kids to rip their teeth out. Jeffrey Dahmer would make for a better babysitter than him.
-“Larry, for once in your life, can you stop being a ten percenter and try being a one-hundred and ten percenter?” If he tries that, then there’s no “Tooth Fairy 2”. In that case, try being a one-hundred and ten percenter, Larry.
-Why would a tooth fairy want a powder that makes them glow in the dark? Aren’t they supposed to be secretive about their mission?
-Larry wants a new outfit. Preferably one that doesn’t scar me for life.
-One of the alternate costumes Nyx created for Larry was a pink cowboy outfit. A thought he was a tooth fairy, not a member of the Village People.
-Larry’s new attire is pink overalls. It’s like he’s auditioning for a Pepto Bismol commercial.
-Larry grew a glowing tail. I guess that Easter Bunny joke is becoming a reality.
-Larry just walked into a bug zapper. This is what they came up with when writing the script. If it’s this easy to make money, I might as well start writing the script for “Tooth Fairy 3”. Rob Schneider will be the star and he’ll fart and fall over a lot. Where’s my money?
-Two teeth down, eight to go. Not that I’m counting.
-Larry got the artist kid who he broke the news about the Tooth Fairy being fake to books about art. How sweet. Give him a few more minutes and I’m sure he’ll screw it up by farting on him.
-The little kid’s name is Gabe and his father doesn’t appreciate his art. He would rather he played football. We know where this is going. Larry is going to be like a father figure to him and teach him to follow his dreams. That or he’ll fart on him.
-“What could be more important than talking about a fundraiser and eating chicken with me?” Anything!
-Larry is invited to Brooke’s wedding shower because none of her friends were invited. Why is she making things worse for herself?
-“Where’s the entertainment? I’m bored.” I’ve been asking myself this same question since the beginning.
-Larry’s idea of dressing up nice is mimicking John Belushi from “Animal House”.
-Of course, Larry would have to do a tooth fairy gig in the middle of the wedding shower.
-Larry’s back to the pink tutu. I’m back to being scarred again.
-Larry fell out of the bathroom and into the banquet hall dressed in the pink tutu. Predictable and not funny is the name of this game.
-“I thought you were here to support me. Not make a joke of my bridal shower.” That’s what you get for trusting Larry.
-Brooke’s mother-in-law believes Larry is the “dancer” she ordered for the bachelorette party. If that’s who they delivered, I’d ask for a refund.
-Granny just smacked Larry on the ass. I think I’m going to be sick.
-Larry is dancing to “Jungle Boogie”. Never before has this song been more butchered.
-“Take it off!” Keep it on!
-Larry is slapping his ass. How is this a family movie?
-Bo has stopped the show. If he’s supposed to be the bad guy, they’re failing. I’m cheering for him.
-“It’s time for this clown to go back to the circus.” That circus being Cirque de Traumatizing.
-The pink overalls are back. Thank God!
-“What am I, The Rock?” Nice reference to the first one. You probably just reminded everyone that he was in that. Just as we were all trying to forget.
-Larry is trying to fly. I’m trying to comprehend the humor in this.
-“I guess I’ll use my God-given athletic ability.” So, you’re going to fall down a lot?
-Larry’s cell phone is going off. Maybe Jeff Foxworthy is calling him to laugh at this career choice.
-The little girl found Larry in her closet. Instead of freaking out like any normal child, she’s ecstatic that he’s the tooth fairy. This movie is unrealistic.
-Larry threw amnesia powder in her face, which turned out to be powdered sugar. At least it wasn’t cocaine.
-“Will you make my sister go away?” He’s the tooth fairy, not a hitman.
-Larry is telling a little girl her parents do love her. They’re just giving her little sister more attention because she’s little. When she gets older, they’ll be best friends. Give him a minute and he’ll throw more powder on her and fart.
-Larry and his co-workers made a mascot for the rec center. Believe it or not, it’s not a bucket of chicken.
-Larry’s idea to raise money for the rec center is to have an art show. Even a dumb bird catches the worm every now and then.
-If you need Larry’s advice on parenting, you suck as a parent.
-“You know what it means when you worry about being a good father?” It means you allowed your child on “Toddlers & Tiaras”?
-Bo just called a child’s drawing awful. He must be related to Simon Cowell.
-Are they insinuating that Larry drew the picture that Bo called awful? Even by this movie’s standards, that’s pretty bad.
-Larry once faked a coma to get out of Brooke’s nephew’s piano recital. If he went to the recital, I’m sure the terrible music would have put him in a coma. What, the movie’s allowed to insult children’s abilities but I’m not?
-Just because Bo can’t make it to taste cakes for the wedding doesn’t mean Larry’s allowed to take his place. That’s not how it works.
-Larry makes for a great cake tester. Go figure.
-“I remember anything that’s food related.” You don’t say, Larry.
-Bo doesn’t even remember that Brooke is allergic to strawberries, but Larry does. You know, if you wanted to make Bo a prick, you should have done so from the straight. Doing it halfway through the film feels forced.
-Trusting Larry with the fundraiser money to get new supplies is as wise as trusting Jay Leno to keep a promise.
-Larry just knocked a guy out by golfing with a croquet ball. It adds nothing to the movie, not even a laugh.
-Nyx is stating that Larry took his eye off the prize. He may be helping out at the rec center to impress Brooke, but at least he’s doing something nice for the children. Did this movie just make me defend Larry? I’ll be damned!
-Nyx just mocked Larry by doing an impression of him. She got everything down correctly, even the “Git R Done”. I’m impressed. Now only if she’d stop being annoying.
-Larry just mocked Nyx by doing an impression of her. His was just sad.
-I love how two people just walked past the camera with the weirdest look on their faces.
-Bo is spying on Larry. Creepiest stalker ever!
-Larry just kicked down a Bo for Mayor sign. I get it. Bo is the bad guy. Stop beating it into the ground.
-Bo just stole all of the supplies that Larry bought. Is he going to hide them or play with them?
-A Larry chant. This is bizarro world.
-Why is Larry hesitating? Just tell them you got robbed. Brooke may not believe you, but it’s not like you’re lying.
-Stop complaining about Larry, Brooke. You could have just not hired him.
-Larry just told Brooke he’s a tooth fairy. I’m using this excuse from now on anytime I get into trouble. “I’m sorry, officer. I didn’t mean to speed. I’m just a tooth fairy, that’s all.”
-I swear I just heard Larry say “Fuck.” I know he didn’t, but it sounded like it.
-“You can’t take anything seriously, can you?” I can’t take this movie seriously. Does that count?
-“It is so clear you’re never going to grow up.” I could have told you that from the start.
-“I can’t let these kids suffer because of someone else’s idiocy.” Parents across the world should say the same thing when they’re being told to rent this movie.
-When Larry’s depressed, he eats chicken. He also does that when he’s happy. He’s fat. That’s the joke.
-Blaming your mistakes on a little girl. How mature, Larry.
-“Metro County Miracle, who cares?” That’s the spirit!
-“And to think I actually started to believe in you.” Stop believing in Larry! Why is this movie filled with characters who believe in the impossible? What’s next? Are they going to believe Tori Spelling is going to have a career resurgence?
-Larry’s greatest memory has been taken away from him. His worst memory, starring in this movie, remains.
-If Nyx took away Larry’s greatest memory, why does he still remember it?
-Ah, Larry remembers the Metro County Miracle because it’s not his best memory. His best memory is most likely winning the hot dog eating contest at the county fair a few years ago.
-Gabe lost his tooth and is asking Larry if the tooth fairy actually exists. His father is with him. Does he want to believe, too?
-How did Larry get to Tooth Fairy Central? Doesn’t Nyx need to transport him there? I didn’t know you can sneak in. I may do so later and see if I can find The Rock’s career.
-Larry wants his job back to make Gabe believe in the Tooth Fairy again. Couldn’t another fairy just take his tooth and make him believe?
-If Larry gets Gabe’s tooth, he’ll remember what his greatest memory was. Who would want to remember bunking with Jeff Foxworthy on a bus?
-“I’ll be in and out of there so fast, they won’t even know I was there.” Just like his sex life.
-Gabe set a mouse trap to catch the tooth fairy. What if he would have rolled on it and it caught him?
-Only in this movie would finding Larry in your son’s room dressed as a fairy be appropriate. In the real world, he’d be sent to prison faster than William Hung’s career.
-“Are y’all done poking me now?” I never want to imagine someone poking Larry the Cable Guy.
-Larry, you don’t need to collect five other teeth to get back your best memory. Nyx just told you she’d give it back to you if you got Gabe’s tooth, which you did. Do you even know how to dress yourself?
-He remembered that his best memory is on the back of his calling card. Turns out his best memory was being with Brooke. Who won that bet? My money was on the grand opening of KFC.
-So, Nyx will take the memory away if he doesn’t get five more teeth? I thought she was giving it back for doing something nice for Gabe. You know what? I don’t care. Take my memory of this movie away and I’ll be happy.
-He doesn’t have to make others believe in the tooth fairy. He needs five children to lose their teeth in one day. Outside of ripping them out himself, that’s a hard task.
-Arts and crafts won’t make children believe in the tooth fairy. That only works for political campaigns.
-I’d be worried if my child found a note from the tooth fairy under his/her pillow.
-A little girl just yanked her baby tooth out by tying it to a doorknob. Teaching kids to be masochists isn’t a good idea, Larry.
-“No temp of tooth fairy has collected five teeth in one night.” I’m sure John Wayne Gacy collected more than five teeth in one night.
-“We’re kind of like a team now. Like Starsky and Hutch.” I missed the episode of “Starsky and Hutch” when they became tooth fairies. I believe I caught the episode of “The Bionic Woman” where she saves Easter instead.
-Skip the “Larry confesses his love to Brooke” garbage and get the five other teeth. This needs to end now!
-Larry can’t understand why someone so beautiful, sweet, nice and smart like Brooke can like someone like him. I can’t understand it, either.
-“You deserve to be with someone who’s greatest memory is about you.” John Hinckley Jr.’s greatest memory was attempting to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster. That doesn’t mean she should be with him.
-Larry stole the pig from earlier to help him get the five teeth. What’s the pig going to do, shit on the floor?
-We interrupt this movie to watch women dress up as smurfs. Here comes Larry to save the day by releasing the pig on them.
-“You can put lipstick on a pig.” Of course she would say that when a pig is loose in her house.
-It’s a pig. Why are afraid of it? It’s not like it’s going to hurt you. Unless I missed the director’s cut of “Babe” where he goes on a killing spree.
-Larry paid the pig with the same currency he gets; moon pies.
-Bo is pretending to be a redneck to get elected. Who knew a movie like “Tooth Fairy 2” knew the ins and outs of politics?
-“What is your greatest memory?” When I though the first “Tooth Fairy” was the only one there would ever be.
-Bo’s greatest memory is a college football game. Lie, you buffoon!
-Larry ate a feather that gave him the speed of a hummingbird. I never knew hummingbirds were fast. I can’t believe this movie taught me something.
-Obligatory slow motion scene. I want this movie to go faster to it’s conclusion, not slower.
-“Looks like I got a need for some speed.” Shut up, Larry!
-Larry just took a break to eat some cookies and drink some milk. He’s fat. Laugh, damn it!
-Everything is back to normal. And by normal, I mean smothered in saccharine and stupidity.
-Brooke called off the wedding because Larry loves her. I thought she was smart.
-Bo just fell through a table. It must have been the Spanish announce table.
-Bo gets to forget about this movie, but I don’t. That’s not fair!
-Larry just crashed into his house. When did they start using his home videos for this movie?
-Never before have I seen so much suspense on tooth retrieval.
-“Just keeping it interesting.” Bullshit!
-Larry got his greatest memory back. Ron White just gained his; being able to laugh at Larry doing this movie while he drinks some whiskey and smokes a cigar.
-Larry is now a temporary tooth fairy and his house went back to normal. The only thing not being returned is my sanity.
-Nyx gave him a coupon for a free bucket of chicken. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier ending.
-One year later, Larry and Brooke are back together. So much for that happy ending.
-Brooke is pregnant with Larry’s child. I guess the next sequel Larry will be doing is “The Omen 5: Redneck Damien”.
-Nyx is having Larry fill in for the regional tooth fairy, who called in sick. Just end this movie already!
-Nyx just made a pig fly. That’s Larry’s new partner. By the way, the pig is in a pink tutu. I think that’s animal cruelty.
-Larry and the pig are flying through the air. That’s how this movie’s going to end. At least it’s over.
That’s “Tooth Fairy 2”. A sequel that no one asked for staring Larry the Cable Guy, who no one wanted to see in a pink tutu. Usually, I can at least find something salvageable in a film and mention it in the closing paragraph. Honestly, I can’t find anything this time. I’d bring up the nice message it touts, but that’s been done to death in better movies. We didn’t Larry as a tooth fairy to know to take interest in our children’s activities and to love the one you’re with. Apparently, Hollywood thought we did. Those bastards!
I’ll see you all next week.