Welcome, one and all, to the first edition of Christmas Movienalia 2011! For those wondering why other holidays such as Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are being excluded, they don’t have many films to be covered. If you’re offended at that, think of it is this way: at least your holiday isn’t bombarded by shitty movies.
For those who celebrate Hanukkah, this week’s film doesn’t leave you in the dust. Not only are there many Jewish jokes, but Bill Goldberg (who is Jewish) plays Santa Claus. Wrap you head around that one.
Enough with the introduction. Kick back, relax, make some gingerbread cookies and revel in my viewing of “Santa’s Slay”.
-I don’t think this movie will spread joy in the world.
-Ah! Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan. Double whammy!
-How are those Fran’s kids? They’re the same age as her.
-Chris Kattan flirting is a frightening sight.
-Holy shit! It’s James Caan. What is he doing here?
-You cast James Caan as Fran’s husband. You cruel bastards!
-“Dear God: I hope this bird doesn’t taste like a shoe like it did last year.” Is that supposed to be funny?
-“I don’t want to screw the bird. I want to eat it.” I think I’d rather screw the bird than Fran Drescher.
-Even I think Fran is out of Kattan’s league.
-“Listen you half a fag…” Did Caan just call Kattan bisexual?
-“Thank you for not making us poor or Samoan.” Are these jokes supposed to be funny? If so, why am I not laughing?
-I can’t tell you how many times Bill Goldberg broke into my house and destroyed my chimney.
-Damn it, Fran! You’re laugh sucks!
-Goldberg kicking the dog was hilarious.
-Goldberg killed somebody by making them faint and impale themselves on a chair. How cheap.
-Goldberg just set Fran Drescher on fire. This movie’s alright.
-Is Kattan really calling Goldberg out? I haven’t seen a more one-sided battle since Penn State took on the government.
-Stop grunting, Bill. You’re Santa, not a reindeer.
-Bill Goldberg vs. James Caan. That’s a Wrestlemania match waiting to happen.
-James Caan’s sole purpose in this film was to be Fran’s husband and have turkey shoved down his throat. Sounds ideal for Tom Arnold, but not James.
-Oh, I get it. Santa is Satan scrambled. How clever.
-Are we going to read the novelization of this movie?
-Either the words are in a different language or they let Chris Kattan write the book.
-Dave Thomas is in this. That should make for a strange brew.
-I hear if you sit on Goldberg’s lap, he’ll jackhammer you.
-The thought of Bill Goldberg going house to house delivering presents is priceless.
-Brett Ratner produced this? No wonder we got that fag line.
-How many people does it take to produce a movie about a killer Santa?
-Hell Township. That’s the name you decided on. Really?!?
-Who puts altoids on a sandwich?
-“Thank you and go fuck yourself!” I use this phrase everyday.
-Who taught this old lady to drive, Corey Haim?
-Goldberg looks more like the Ghost of Christmas Present than Santa Claus.
-The old lady’s death was a car accident. Goldberg is uninventive.
-They make snow globes for Delaware?
-Why would you want to tell the time in every time zone?
-“You will never get me.” A phrase I hear way too often.
-“Jerk your knob off.” Sexual euphemisms are getting weird.
-Mini-bake ovens are not stupid! They’re delicious!
-How many keys does it take to get into this guy’s house?
-It’s a power outage, kid. Stop freaking out.
-Cat! I mean, Grandpa!
-I thought Robert Culp was Michael Parks, for a second.
-If you knew it was a nutcracker, then why did you ask what it was?
-A nutcracker gun? That’s fucking awesome!
-“That could put your eye out.” This movie may be more enjoyable that way.
-If you’re trying to hide the bunker, don’t make the switch visible.
-Grandpa has six TV’s so he can watch six different pornos, right?
-If you’re going to mug somebody, don’t choose the Salvation Santa. He may not have much.
-Goldberg shoved a candy cane in the mugger’s eye. Now that’s inventive!
-I think I just seen Goldberg’s “O” face.
-Gorilla press slam!
-A fart joke. Really?!?
-“I want the truth about Christmas.” You can’t handle the truth!
-“Are we Jewish or something?” No, but Goldberg is. Hence why him playing Santa Claus is kind of funny.
-You have hands. You don’t need to invent a page turner.
-When is he ever going to need to use Norse? When he’s standing in line to see Thor?
-Santa is Satan’s son. Was his mother a ho?
-It’d be better if the story of Christmas was told in a pop-up book.
-Her name is Mary. His name is Nicolas Joseph Yuleson. I wonder if they’re hinting at anything.
-Your dad shot Wolverine? Hugh Jackman is going to be pissed!
-He said he wanted Optimus Prime, not a knock off. Get it right!
-Dave Thomas as a pastor. Nice casting.
-What kind of a strip club has valets?
-Dave Thomas loves strippers!
-If Goldberg ever returns to WWE, he needs to ride to the ring on that sleigh.
-The bouncer is denying Santa entry into the strip club. What a douche bag!
-Choking someone with a wreath. Not bad.
-I wouldn’t be surprised if Goldberg went into strip clubs in his free time and called everybody hoes.
-Using Christmas lights to tie up a civilian. Decent.
-The two patrons are attacking Goldberg with a shovel. Silly guys. Goldberg never goes under. He always buries his opponents.
-Goldberg waxes poles.
-Kick to the nuts. What a cheap shot, Bill.
-Electrocuting someone with a stripper pole. Not festive, but creative.
-Setting the club ablaze via fiery coal. Now that’s festive!
-Nothing says Christmas like a monster truck rally.
-I don’t think Grandpa is bananas. I think he’s coconuts.
-Why exactly did Nick just insult Mary’s father?
-It looks like the moon is sitting on that person’s roof.
-Hello random puppet animation. Welcome to “Santa’s Slay”.
-Santa is a compulsive gambler. That would explain his coke addiction.
-So, Christmas came about after an old man challenged Satan’s son to a game of curling. Don’t do drugs, kids.
-Those rocks look like turds.
-Why does that book have a photo of Santa striking a sexy pose?
-They can namedrop Coca-Cola and feature brands such as Pepsi, but have to create a fake search engine. Did the producer’s blow their load(s) on soft drinks?
-I don’t think an online Santa tracker is going to be accurate, Nick.
-You just got burned by a Santa tracker. That had to hurt.
-Goldberg should run around destroying Christmas decorations every year.
-“Can we open our motherfucking presents now?” Fuck yeah!
-If your children were just blown up by a bomb, I don’t think your reaction would be a nonchalant “fuck”.
-Dixie Rect is a great name!
-If Goldberg wants a sandwich, you make him a fucking sandwich!
-Was that Jewish beer?
-Spear! Spear! Spear!
-Stabbing someone with a menorah. Santa doesn’t discriminate.
-Your sign should never read “Eat here. Get gas.” It sends off the wrong message.
-Tiny Lister, Jr.! He better fight Goldberg.
-Please tell me tiny will return. You can’t use him solely to sell Nick gum.
-A menorah got shoved through his neck. I believe he’s dead, Nick.
-How the hell is he still alive?!?
-Those cops are walking with swag.
-How do you mistake Jews for the Amish?
-“Crime doesn’t stand a chance in Hell.” What a terrible pun!
-Do you honestly believe the Captain will believe your story that Santa is real and is a killer?
-“Thank you for completely wasting my fucking time!” The audience’s reaction after seeing this movie.
-The killing forms the shape of a Christmas tree. How stupid!
-Tazering the captain’s nuts. Not festive unless you make a chestnuts joke.
-Why aren’t they wearing their seat belts? Why am I noticing this?
-Remember when Goldberg used to destroy cars in WCW? This scene is like that, except now he’s riding on one.
-Goldberg no-sells bullets.
-“Did Santa Claus follow you here?” That’s a question I’m not used to hearing.
-Goldberg hates carolers.
-“We’re trapped in a closet on Christmas…” Is R-Kelly with you?
-Maybe if you cure Santa’s athletes foot, he’ll go easy on you.
-I think the book just gave Goldberg a hard-on.
-Grandpa owns some bitchin’ snowmobiles!
-Making fun of Santa’s hair. That’s the best you’ve got?
-Goldberg hates children.
-“Aw. Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.” Damn it, Bill! I wanted to use that line.
-It’d be nice if they used Goldberg’s theme at least once in this movie.
-The flying Santa effects are laughable.
-Christmas present bombs. When did Santa become a Power Rangers villain?
-Way to give them a push, Bill. You’re supposed to be capturing them, not helping them get away.
-Who has target practicing on Christmas?
-That is the worst Christmas tree I’ve ever seen. It looks like it was made out of string.
-“Move over, skanks!” The people in this town are assholes.
-Yuletide fear. How long did it take for them to come up with that.
-The Twelve Days of Christmas song is bullshit.
-Just grab her tits already!
-“The only worthwhile gift is a practical one.” That disqualifies this movie.
-So, you broke into that building for no apparent reason.
-“Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas.” Who thought that line was a good idea?
-Santa can spit fireballs. What the fuck?!?
-“Not a creature is stirring.” That’s because they’ve all bailed on this movie by now.
-I’d buy a book-on-tape of “A Christmas Carol” as told by Bill Goldberg.
-Goldberg just threw a book at Nick. How lame.
-Hockey rinks make for great slip ‘n’ slides.
-“I just realized that I have no one.” Now you know what it’s like to be Nick Nolte.
-Goldberg is driving a zamboni. Shit just got real.
-“I’m Santa Claus, not fucking Dracula!” You both have one thing in common: you both suck!
-Just what this movie needed; Norse Gaelic.
-Grandpa is an angel. Will he touch Nick?
-“You said you’d go to hell and back to find me. So, I moved to Hell Township.” These puns aren’t funny!
-Nick wanted an easy-bake oven all along. I don’t blame him. Those things are awesome!
-The grand finale is going to be a game of curling. Are you freaking kidding me?!?
-Why did that scoreboard go off?
-Goldberg cheated and threw Grandpa into Hell. Glad to see he came up with a game plan in the last thousand years.
-“He’s scary, yet educational.” Just like most teachers.
-Nutcrackers are Goldberg’s kryptonite. That’s a hint for his future opponents.
-Did Goldberg just run away?
-They saved Grandpa. Though, if he’s an angel, could they physically touch him?
-Do hunters really dream of killing a flying buck?
-“Daddy, where did you get that bazooka?” That had to have been ripped from a porno.
-I wondered how long it would take them to make an altar boy joke.
-Let me get this straight. They’re not going to defeat Santa. Instead, he’s just going to run away. What a cop out!
-“You kiss like a guy.” Wait, what?
-Santa’s disguised as a biker now.
-“Has your sack been out of your sight at all?” I’ll let you insert your own joke here, since there are so many to be made.
-The film ends with Santa catching a plane to the North Pole. That’s still a cop out!
That’s “Santa’s Slay”. I may rag on it pretty brutally, but I honestly enjoy the film. It promises to be a campy horror/comedy about a killer Santa Claus and it delivers. Sure, the puns are annoying, but the deaths make up for it. That and Fran Drescher gets set on fire. I can’t hate a movie in which that happens.
That’s all for this week. See you next week for the next installment of Christmas Movienalia 2011.