It has come to this. After three horrendous horror movies (“Undertaker and His Pals”, “Exorcist II: The Heretic” and “Hellraiser: Revelations”), we reach the fourth and final chapter in Halloween Movienalia 2011. Just like last year, a film from the “Halloween” series will be featured. This one actually starring Michael Myers. I’d have rather watched the killer mask(s) one instead.
If you don’t recall, Rob Zombie remade “Halloween”, the classic horror film that’s amongst my favorites, in 2007 to terrible reviews from horror fans, but tremendous box office. This meant a sequel was in order. A sequel in which that would make every hater of his 2007 film wish they were glued to a screen watching that instead. In that one, he tampered with Michael Myers. Here, he mutilates him.
Over on the FAN forums, we have a thread dedicated to horror. Upon this movie’s release, it garnered the biggest backlash and thrashing of any film to date. It was entertaining to read everyone’s thoughts and anguish, but not fun to sit through. This year, I bring back the anguish for all to wallow in.
Without further ado, let’s get this torture on the road!
*Note: This Movienalia is dedicated to Jason A. Spiess. He was one of the posters in the horror thread who tore this film to shreds. He was a close friend of mine and the forum and we all miss him dearly. We had so much fun tearing this film apart with him. I wish he was still here to do so today. I love you and miss you, Jason!*
-Another definition for “White Horse”: A cop out created to once again include your wife in your movie.
-Starting a movie called “Halloween II” on Christmas is ludicrous!
-Why would you get your son a toy pony for Christmas? Is Michael Myers a fan of “My Little Pony”?
-“Whenever you look at the horse, you can think of Mommy.” This is what Sarah Jessica Parker tells her children every day.
-Michael Myers is ticklish. If he ever attacks you, aim for the armpits.
-It’s the Great Pumpkin, Michael Myers!
-Why are towns always empty after a horrific attack?
-Brad Dourif!
-Oh no! They’re helping me out! I must scream for… different help.
-Malcolm McDowell was found unconscious in his home. He was watching his performance in “Milk Money”. Doctors believe he fainted immediately.
-A bloody Laurie Strode in the hospital can only mean two things; she was either attacked by Michael Myers or attended an Insane Clown Posse concert.
-A corpse rodeo sounds tragically entertaining.
-“Six guys to lift one stiff.” What life is like on the set of a Ron Jeremy porno.
-I wonder if Rob Zombie watched the original “Halloween” and thought to himself, “You know what this movie needs? Necrophilia.”
-I’ve heard of ‘cat’ scares, but not ‘cow’ scares.
-Make necrophilia jokes and you get totaled by a cow. What an odd life lesson.
-Stop saying fuck!
-So, Michael was just napping?
-Michael Myers ties the cow for one kill apiece.
-I can accept the killing, but littering? That’s going too far, Michael!
-The idea of Michael doing his killings via an inspiration from a white horse is laughable.
-I didn’t expect to see Octavia Spencer in this movie.
-I don’t think I’ve ever seen a hospital this empty.
-“I need something for my head.” Yeah, a brain.
-My reaction to being stabbed wouldn’t be to nonchalantly roam the hospital.
-Why is Michael grunting? One of his qualities is silence.
-Did Michael fingerpaint on the walls with her blood?
-Not going to lie; watching Laurie slide on the steps due to her surgical cast is hilarious!
-They’re in the boiler room. Watch out for Freddy!
-Why are all of those corpses lying in a pile in the boiler room? Is this a twisted version of a dog pile?
-How small is this town’s population?
-Nice to see Tom Smykowski show up. I hope he doesn’t jump to conclusions.
-Buddy is what you’d name your dog, not your child.
-Does this hospital only show the “Nights in White Satin” music video?
-Not Buddy! Anybody but Buddy!
-That’s looking less like a William Shatner mask and more like a Leonard Nimoy mask.
-Stop making sound effects, Michael!
-It was all a nightmare. Damn it, Rob!
-Wait a minute! If that was all a nightmare, that means Buddy is still alive. Hooray!
-A pill-popping punk chick doesn’t make for the best lead woman.
-“Cardboard has a lot of fiber.” It also has more personality than Laurie.
-“I just have to wait until my brain heals.” Popping pills and doing drugs won’t help. Just saying.
-So, Michael’s white horse infatuation comes from an inkblot test. How much dumber can this movie get?
-When did Dr. Loomis become a dick?
-“Old Loomis increases sales by 25%.” If by Old Loomis you mean Donald Pleasance…
-Uncle Meat’s Java Hole. Who the hell would name their store that?!? It sounds like a nickname for a rapist’s house.
-Where did this political rant come from?
-“It’s so lame that it’s totally cool again.” No, Rob. This is just lame.
-Did Diablo Cody write the dialogue for these women?
-I don’t think I want to hear Dr. Loomis talk about sexual impulses for his mother.
-“Man invents nothing.” A good quote for this movie. Sums it up nicely.
-Since when did this become a joke for Dr. Loomis? It’s like he became a bad stand-up comedian between films.
-Braindead Gossip Mongers. A good way to describe most teenagers.
-They’re not going to find children in the corn, are they?
-Why is Hagrid leading Young Michael to his mother in a shack?
-Haddonfield is one foul-mouthed town.
-It’s like that scene from “Office Space”, except with a human instead of a copier.
-I didn’t know you could slit someone’s eyes.
-Stop grunting like a moron!
-Leave the dog alone, Michael. Your last name is Myers, not Vick.
-I could watch Brad Dourif talking about Lee Marvin all day.
-I could do without him slobbering over pizza, though.
-I don’t like seeing Michael’s eyes. The fear the mask invoked was never seeing his face or emotions.
-Michael Myers has some weird fantasies.
-A Michael Myers mask on a skeleton is strangely amusing.
-Is Michael having dinner with the Mad Hatter?
-For someone who is scarred by murders, why does Laurie have a Charles Manson poster?
-“I don’t think you quite understand what I’m trying to accomplish.” Whatever it is, you’re failing.
-Is Rob Zombie making Dr. Loomis a woman beater?
-I don’t think daydreams make you spasm out of control.
-Frankenstein’s Monster looks goofy with sideburns.
-You want to know why we sympathized with Laurie Strode in the original film? She wasn’t a whiny runt.
-I want to see a buddy cop movie with Brad Dourif and Malcolm McDowell.
-“Freaks will always find their way home.” That or they’ll get their own reality show.
-I’ve seen better catfights on “Sesame Street”.
-It’d be easier to understand Howard if he didn’t mumble.
-Where did that Fonzie impersonation come from?
-It bothers me that Michael is wearing a hoodie. Nothing critical in the suspense department. It just looks weird.
-Chokeslam! Michael must be a fan of Undertaker/Kane/Big Show/Pretty Much Any Big Wrestler.
-Michael is a master of the curb stomp, apparently.
-These family fantasies are strange and off-putting.
-Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. That’s the script in a nutshell.
-You’d think Michael would let them finish having sex and catch a free show.
-Another choke slam! Will he hit a Tombstone Piledriver next?
-What strip club closes before midnight? A weird thought at this time, I know.
-You slammed her headfirst into the mirror approximately ten times. I think she’s done for.
-Wait, now the strip club is closed? I’ll reiterate my earlier question. What strip club is empty around midnight?
-Brad Dourif hates to read, it seems.
-Why does Michael look like Rob Zombie’s brother without his mask?
-“Rich and famous. All because of our pain.” Dr. Loomis is a politician?
-I wonder how many Stephen King book signings end in a shootout.
-“Do you think I’m crossing the line or something?” Oh my God! Dr. Loomis has signed with TNA.
-Laurie hates to read, too.
-Is Rob Zombie trying to break the record for most F-bombs in a movie?
-“I just found something out that’s freaking me the fuck out!” That your career is going downhill after this movie?
-“I’m a chick dressing up as a dude who wants to be a chick.” You’re an idiot!
-Why are you tampering your image by appearing in this movie, Weird Al Yankovich?
-“I have never, ever been so humiliated in my entire life!” Did you forget about “Tank Girl”, Malcolm?
-“Are you a giant? Can we be friends?” The plot synopsis to “My Giant.”
-I swear, Rob Zombie’s vocabulary contains ten words. Seven in which are a variation on the word ‘fuck’.
-Speaking of “Terror Train”, that’s another superior horror film starring Jamie Lee Curtis.
-I’ve seen better rave parties at an Elementary School.
-Where did this town get the budget for such a huge party? Did all fifteen citizens pitch in some cash?
-The Wolf Man and Frank ‘N’ Furter; there’s a fan fiction I didn’t want to see come to life.
-Michael has now killed Frankenstein’s Monster and The Wolf Man. Who’s next, Dracula?
-Is Wayne Brady Michael Myers gonna have to choke a bitch?
-“There’s no difference between Michael Myers and a shark?” Not really. Both had phenomenal films followed by mediocre sequels.
-Being drunk gives you visions of Sheri Moon Zombie. No wonder most of my friends drink. Even so, I’ll choose not to. It’s clear too much Sheri Moon is a bad thing. Talk about a wicked hangover.
-“She’ll find her way home.” She’s a freak, after all.
-How did Michael get from the party to Annie’s house so quickly? I thought only Jason Voorhees had the power of speed walking.
-Random slow motion, for no reason.
-Either Michael is killing Annie off screen or is wrecking the kitchen.
-“Running away never solves anything.” Unless you’re being chased. Then, it’s the perfect solution.
-“Hey world! Guess what? I’m Michael Myers’ sister!” Guess what? Nobody cares!
-Aren’t you going to offer Michael some tea?
-“I don’t think a cookie’s going to save me.” No matter how fortunate it is.
-Doing a flashback to Annie’s attack while Laurie scans the area is annoying and pointless. Just like this movie.
-“Now, go have some fun.” I’d have to put on another movie to do so.
-How is Annie still alive?
-Did Michael just get lost in Mia’s eyes? Do I hear wedding bells?
-Nope, just a stabbing.
-Stop calling Annie “Baby”. It’s creepy!
-Nice of Michael to prop Mia’s dead body against the wall. He’s turning this place into a haunted house attraction.
-Here come the cops. They came as slow as they could.
-Where did the sound go?
-There’s no need for home video flashbacks. I don’t care that Annie had a dog.
-Oh no! It’s the trees!
-“Please stop!” I’ve been begging the same thing for the past hour.
-Is rock music all that is played in this town?
-Michael’s going car tipping.
-How is the horn honking? Nothing is pushing against it.
-A car explosion for no reason. Do I even have to make the Michael Bay joke?
-I take it Laurie seeing Mrs. Myers means she’s a ghost. If so, what’s with this ‘white horse’ garbage?
-The lighting makes it seem as if there’s going to be an alien invasion.
-I don’t know why, but police raids always seem weird in slashers.
-Now, to watch Malcolm McDowell smoothly sip wine. It’s as if this became a sequel to “Sideways”.
-What is somebody doesn’t have hands. Do they still have to come out with their hands up?
-What a weak punch from Brackett. I’m surprised it took Loomis down.
-How did Dr. Loomis sneak past the police? Did they all have their heads slightly turned to the left?
-This scene of Laurie freaking out must be what Rob Zombie is like while high.
-Michael speared Dr. Loomis through the shed! This has match of the year written all over it.
-Michael being gunned down by the cops reminds me of “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”. I think I’d rather watch that, believe it or not.
-How was that humongous beard concealed in that mask?
-What’s with the stop motion of Laurie being shot?
-Really? You’re going to play “Love Hurts” right now? Is this supposed to be funny?
-Too much white! My eyes hurt!
-We get it. Laurie’s dead and is in purgatory. End this already!
-Did the white horse have to return? Why not just give Mr. Ed a cameo while you’re at it.
Halloween Movienalia 2011 has come to a close. What better way to end it than with the bastardization of the “Halloween” franchise? Michael has feelings and weird fantasies, Laurie’s a whiny bitch and ‘fuck’ is uttered every other sentence. Hey, at least Buddy survived! I hope, anyway. I somehow did and made it through this Halloween season.
See you all next week!