Hello civilians, I’m Dan Lashley and I have an exciting new offer for you.
Are you tired of going into a game store alone and being harassed by Call of Doodyheads? Do your snacking choices get looks of scorn from the general public? Do you wish to proclaim your love of porn but afraid that the church won’t understand you playing “bow chicka bow bow” on the church organ (hee hee…organ)? Do you wish to join an organization that not only respects you, but will call you in the morning?
Then the Kash Army is for you.
The Kash Army was created not to fight wars…the real armed forces are more than equipped to handle that. Plus I’m skeered of dying. What the Kash Army is is an elite group of pop culture soldiers put together to fight the war against online and real life stupidity. Our keyboard warriors are the finest trained, with over 7 million hours of internet time logged in so they know their LOLZ.
Sound interesting? Well let’s take a tour, shall we.
Much nicer on the inside.
At our well hidden Kash Compound, Not only do we have our Basic Training facilities, but also our lush Officer Headquarters (shown above). You may be thinking to yourself “Well that looks like a big piece of crap”, let’s take a look inside at the lounge.
...told you it was nicer.
Here our officers can relax in nice quiet atmosphere, away from those who talk on the phone during movies and those who go into the 10 items or less aisle with half the store in their shopping cart. The entire area is wired for internet service, and Officers are issued their own personal laptop computer. Get a roaring fire and some beer flowing, and it’s the hottest LAN party you’ve ever seen!
What if you just wanna unwind with some video games? We’ve got you covered.
With Optional Journey music playing
With our arcade room, you’ll find everything from the latest best selling games to the greatest arcade classics all in one place! Put away those quarters, grunt, because they’re all set on free play! Plus everyone looks better in blacklight.
That’s fine and good you say, but you’re starving. Come with me…
Not shown...mess.
Our mess hall is designed to stimulate your visual senses while our Master Chef Cain activates your drooling abilities when he prepares the finest food this side of 10 counties. But hurry, when the dinner bell rings, the seats sure fill up fast!
For those of you who love porn but are ashamed….Don’t be! With our new Porn Confessional you can safely talk to our own Reverend Jed about your adult entertainment concerns. Just please don’t pleasure yourselves in the booth. Go to your room.
So, you’re convinced that the Kash Army is the life for you and you’re ready to get a few games of Gorf in before the lobster dinner. Not so fast newbie. Like the regular Armed Forces, we too have a strenuous Basic Training regimen. Let’s talk a bit more about it.
BASIC TRAINING
Our basic training regimen is a two week course that will test your willpower and stamina. Our Head Drill Sargent Woody The Great (That’s SARGENT The Great to you, Private) will work you until you drop for at least four hours a day. Your daily routine will include:
– Classic Video Game Appreciation 101. You will understand why the video games from back in the day should be revered.
– Film Criticism 101. Here you will learn why opinions are like assholes, and everybody’s got one. This will teach you to appreciate the films you enjoy without being a dick to others.
-Great Snacks Throughout History. Did you know Alexander the Great’s favorite snack was Rollos? You will, and learn how snacks made the great men and women of history even greater.
But don’t think we won’t take care of you. You will receive care packages every other day that include:
- A large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos (or Nacho Cheese)
- A copy of some of the greatest movies ever on DVD (First day is Stripes)
- A 12 pack of soda of your choice (please specify when signing up)
- A Kash Army Basic Training T-shirt (it’s stylish)
- A coupon for Zaxby’s chicken (Best chicken around)
If you have other dietary needs, please see the Decider. Just keep your hands off the General’s Fig Newton Fruit Crisps. They’re off limits.
While not as nice as the Officer’s rooms, the barracks serve well as a living quarters to our grunts.
It may seem like Hell, but you have to make some sacrifices in order to get the rewards of the Kash Army.
CAREERS
After you graduate, you may want to look into our career programs. Being a new army, there’s only a few classes available, but ones that will have you rising in our ranks quickly. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Commander of Taking Names – This course is taught by Commander of Kicking Asses Leonard. As our resident ass kicker, Commander Leonard needs many people to assist her in the taking of names of people whose ass she has just kicked. A steady career for sure.
Video Game Wing Commander- Part of our air unit, Commander of SNES Hersh (with help from Captain NES Sandman) will instruct you in the many secret video game techniques he was taught during his 12 tours of Japan. Not for the faint of heart or those with artificial limbs.
Captain of Music- Coming Soon! Taught by Capt’n O’Musics. Avoid the peg leg.
Captain of Film- Commander Yellowjacket sits you down and tells you the true meaning behind films such as Follow That Bird and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. This one is always filled by the smartest of the Kash Army so pick this one fast.
VCR Repair- Taught by Jenkins the Janitor. You never know when you might need it.
Jenkins on a lecture about why Beta sucks.
I’d like to thank the Freakin Awesome Network for the use of their website, and for the great rice krispie squares they sent. They were deelish.
So if you want to join an organization that thinks the same way you do, like our star soldier G.I. Bob, A Real American Hero Type Guy, then sign up for the Kash Army today!