Dave The Dave’s Review Review: Oh Wesley…(Clone High)

They're just sexy teen genetic copies of history's greatest leaders.

Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen if you created clones of famous people and put them into a high school together? No? Well, then forget I asked. If you said yes, then quit wondering, someone already did that. I’m talking of course about Clone High.  Having done the entries that I’ve had, even I must admit this one is a bit obscure. If you don’t know what this is, don’t fell bad. It was on MTV, so I am always taken by surprise by how few people have heard of it. So few that I looked like a big idiot in my teenage days walking around in this costume:

See, look how great I looked. Best costume ever, but sadly, it doesn’t make anyone comfortable and girls are not ready to let that box near theirs, ya dig?

Anyways, onto this great moment in cancelled television. Clone High was filled with many politicians, celebrities, scientists, and whatever amalgamation created Marie Curie’s deformed behind. While there are many cameos and references for the history nerd in all of us, the cast is mainly those pictured above. I think you can guess who is who just on name alone, so here goes: Mahatma Gandhi, Abe Lincoln, JFK, Cleopatra and Joan of Arc. There may be two people it that top picture you do not recognize. They are by far the two best characters in television histroy that no one will ever remember. That’s just of course, this humble man’s opinion.

The man in the lab coat and dish washing gloves is one Cinnamon J. Scudworth. He is already the single greatest entity in t.v. this side of John McGuirk, but his sidekick may put him over the edge. The lovable robot I dressed as there is Mr. Butlertron. He helps provide guidance and scones to the students and his Princi-PAL Scudworth. Yeah, I went that low on the pun scale. If you’re thinking he looks like a certain Belvedere, then you have a keen eye. It was be why he calls everyone Wesley. Though the show is supposed to center around the clones, these two normally have their own plot line in each episode. It is normally the highlight as well. Scudworth is so over the top and insane that the cold yet warm temperment of Mr. B can not bring him to reality. I could spend an entire article gushing about these two, but I’ll spare you and just hope that this clip will be enough to show you I’m correct in my statement. It’s the reason I hate John Stamos to this day.


Oh god, as much as it pains me, enough about them. This show is complete chaos and it’s going to take every fiber of me to even cover half of it. Let’s go with the the core group of characters. These are the ones that are best pals and are trying t o bust out from being losers. Abe has new sideburns, Joan has new boobs, and Gandhi is a party animal. Joan and Abe have been buddies forever, and Joan wants him bad. It’s so painful to watch the whole series with Joan throwing herself at Abe and him never getting it. I’ve never wanted two drawings to get together so badly. Gandhi is basically comic relief. He is crazy, naked, ADHD and morally bankrupted. He’s also the reason this show was cancelled due to many complaints of this new Gandhi making the old one look bad.

The school’s popular couple is JFK and Cleopatra. He is a womanizer and a chuckle head. Cleo is power hungry to the point of dating a dog that is class president. I’d explain, but that would cheapen your experience of ever seeing it. She goes from dating JFK and newly confident Abe through out the series, depending on which one looks to have the better future at the time. The series revolves around that point. Everyone mentioned acts in ways to attain their desired targets affections.

One of the underrated parts of this show is how well they put together these character’s personalities. Amongst all the wacky happenings and random asides, there is some really really good character development and depth. Each character has learned of their histrocial counterpart and acts in ways to try to live up to them. Abe is afraid to stand up for anything and is timid. This is because he knows that got the President Lincoln killed. Joan is angsty and gothy because she never got God’s message like the original and doesn’t believe. JFK only really heard about the originals affairs and good looks, so that’s all he focuses on. Gandhi could not live up to his “father,” so he parties to forget his failure. The only one succeeding is Cleo, but she makes the original Cleopatra look compassionate and caring. This isn’t just held to the main characters. Recurring characters also derive completely from failures of their origins. Caesar is now uncaring and cold. Catherine the Great is a valley girl. George Washington Carver is obsessed with peanuts and genetically engineers them. Jesus Cristo is big in shop class, focusing on the lesser part of his history. Eleanor Roosevelt is a buff gym teacher. My point, a lot of thought went into all of this silliness, and it really makes the show much better.

But, what else happens?

The beauty of reviewing shows that may not have lasted long, is that I can talk about more specific things. Some of these epsidoes are in need of explaining. The first episode is standard high school stuff. Losers buy beer for the cool kids to be cool. They can’t get it, so they get fake beer. Everyone gets drunk anyway. They get caught. It would have been smarter if they went with Gandhi’s  first idea.

Tell them you said you'd bring "beards."

He’s right, that would still be an awesome party. Anyways, that doesn’t end well. We move on to episodes a little more out there. The second episode sees Abe run for class president and it is a spoof on how ridiculous elections have become and how low someone will stoop to reach the top. The next episode tackles the issues of ADD and ADHD, its hyper active cousin. After that, the ‘crap hits the FAN. BOOM, inside references like that don’t come cheap people. Top that Bob Newhart. The next episodes involve the Clones rioting after winning a cross country meet, and having to have a film festival to make up for it. The next episode shows the dangers of not getting enough sleep. Street races and gruesome Kennedy death follows. Episodes 9 and 10 really ratchet up the crazy to a new level.

“Raisin’ the Stakes” sees the students start smoking raisins. They believe it makes them high and they all become raving hippies.  All of these clones have foster parents. I haven’t mentioned this yet, and I’m dumb for not doing so. Behind Scudworth as the best character this show made up is Toots, Joan of Arc’s foster grandpa. He may be blind, but he’s awesome.

I may be blind, but I can still here my baby not following through on her jump shot.

These parents get taken over by Scudworth who imprisons the whole town in a raisin induced rock opera. It features Jack Black and many of the songs are on this man’s Ipod right now. “Litter Kills” sees the death of the beloved Ponce de León get murdered by litter. This sends JFK into a frenzy having his friend die mad at him. He’s not used to tragedy, he’s a Kennedy! There is a lot of horrible and sad scenes, that actually wrench the heart.

The series ends in an awful way. Joan and Abe finally realize they love each other, and EVERYONE GETS FROZEN when a group of shadowy figures comes to take the clones. Nothing is resolved and I’m sad forever about it. All in all, this show is great. Laughs are non-stop and the character are surprisingly relatable. I would suggest this show to everyone in the world. If all of this isn’t enough, being on MTV, celebs like Marilyn Manson, Jack Black and Mandy Moore show up to join the fun as well as an amazing soundtrack provided by the band the Abandoned Pools. Clone High gets an A+ from me, now raise the roof!