Guess who’s back? I’m not particularly sure why I’m back to reviewing WEW again but here we go.
We start off Episode 5 of WEW (aka “Deep Impact” like it matters) with commentary team Eric Garguilo and Jeffrey James in the middle of the ring, which is situated in some random-ass bar. Surely a step down from the legendary ECW Arena, I’m sure. After that, it’s promo time. First, we get Riptide (better known now as Angel Orsini) who is hyping up a Ladder Match with Alexis Laree tonight and reminds people that she used to be Prodigette from ECW. Umm Angel, you’re a good wrestler and all but I’m not exactly sure that’s something to be proud of. Mostly because I’m not sure if anyone remembers that AT ALL. You might just want to start over anew. Then we get a “promo” where a little person dressed up like a redneck rubs his face in G.I. Ho’s crotch for like 15 seconds. I’m not joking. And she just lies back and lets him. Finally, we get a promo from Candie, who says she’s in a Hardcore Bra and Panties Tag Team Match (yep) and her partner is “Little Louie”. Candie then claims that after the match, she’s gonna be “crunching on a little midget” as she takes a bite out of a pickle. Oh God, why did I decide to resume reviewing this?
Intergender Bra and Thong Match
BJ and King Sleazy vs Candie and Little Louie
Ok, so I guess the match title is a little different thanks to some clarification from Eric Garguilo, but not quite enough considering Jeffrey James has the same question I have: Are the midgets going to be wearing thongs too? Eric answers by saying they’re “hardcore midgets”…which really isn’t an answer at all. And now I’ve just realized that I’m not only going to be offending women by continuing to review WEW but little people as well. Hooray. Before the match starts, Tara comes out to interrupt Isis’ pre-match strip tease and commandeers her spot as the referee of the match, noting that she has history with BJ and Candie. Isis lets her, at least as far as I could tell because I don’t speak Feedback. That or she was deepthroating the mic. After BJ and Candie come out, their little people partners get entrances of their own. King Sleazy, well, just look at him…
Yup, a midget Jerry “The King” Lawler. At least this way, he’ll be the same height as the girls he dates. ZING! And before you ask, I’m not going to make King Sleazy the mascot of Wrestling With Extra Sleaze. And Little Louie is the redneck midget from earlier. Nothing really important about this match, except for the fact that King Sleazy’s tights actually say “Lawler” on them!
To cover up BJ’s general ineptitude in the ring, Eric Gargiulo outright admits “You don’t need to have talent to compete in WEW!” That’s a mission statement if ever I heard one. The general story of this match is that BJ and Sleazy take their liberties with Candie while Tara “conveniently” doesn’t see it. Not like this was any good to begin with but the match falls apart quite badly as Candie chases BJ around the ring trying to take her clothes off. That doesn’t really sound all that horrible until you take into account that one of the sides of the ring is right next to a stage so they have to slide in sideways between them. Eventually Candie gets BJ’s top and pants off to win the match, kinda unexpectedly since I already forgot the stipulations. Afterwards, Tara stops Sleazy from molesting Candie after the match, possibly signaling a change of heart between the two former rivals. Eh, I’m not gonna bring back the Boner Rating System but I will admit that Candie and Tara did look pretty hot. But I feel kinda guilty if I see little people while my pants are off.
Ladder Match (aka “Stairway To Supremacy”)
Riptide vs Alexis Laree
Riptide is actually announced as “Formerly Prodigette from ECW” like anyone gives a crap. Hell, even Eric Garguilo doesn’t as he says that was then, this is now. The commentators speculate that either of these two women could be the #1 Contenders to the WEW Title…held by G.I. Ho. You know, the main reason I continued to review WEW in order was to find out who became the WEW Champion. I would have preferred to see it happen for myself instead of having such a momentous occasion not aired and glossed over. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s a belt for a promotion that employs mostly strippers. As for the match at hand, this isn’t too bad, aside from a few early and super-obvious botches. Just a typical brawl involving two capable talents and a ladder. After a vicious Irish Whip face-first into a ladder and a reverse DDT, Aleixs Laree could have gotten the win if Tara had counted the three instead of throwing the ladder out of the ring. Riptide puts Alexis down with a superkick and keeps her down with her feet on the ropes for the pinfall. Compared to most women’s matches now, it probably isn’t that good. But for what it was, considering the time frame and the fact that this is WEW, it was pretty decent.
After the match, we get a backstage segment with The Smoke as Commissioner commanding some random blonde chick not to show her boobs. “But I always do. It’s for the fans!” she says. The Smoke isn’t swayed though and says that if she does…then apparently nothing will happen as he just walks off before giving her any sort of threat. Huh? Back in the ring, Missy The Schoolgirl and Casey (the future Annie Social) are brawling and tossing each other into the crowd of lonely drunk men with Missy corpsing the entire time. Keep in mind that this is the first time “Casey” has shown up on these WEW DVDs. Maybe she appeared on the show where G.I. Ho won the WEW title?
Intergender Match
Davey Mae vs Sinnamin
Yup, she actually spells her name that way. I think this is the same chick that The Smoke threatened earlier as the stipulations decree that if Sinnamin wins, she gets to show her boobs. But if Davey Mae wins, he gets 5 minutes alone with her, you know, like in that Pantera song. I’m not sure if Sinnamin is an actual wrestler but Davey Mae makes her look decent. I swear, I’m about ready to crown Davey Mae as the Wrestling With Extra Sleaze MVP. But holy crap, Sinnamin gets a La Majistral and a few lucha pins out of nowhere. I haven’t seen this girl before or since but I’m impressed.
Check that out, it’s a Sharpshooter/Pendulum combo. I never thought I’d see that, let alone from an inbred redneck wrestling a stripper in the middle of a bar. Suddenly, Sinnamin starts screaming and going apeshit as apparently she has a multiple personality gimmick. That would’ve been good to know before. Davey runs away but a few of the other Maes throw him back in, where Sinnamin attempts to hit a weird spinning neckbreaker into a Stone Cold Stunner but botches it horribly. She kinda hits it again but she gets up before the three count and decides to finish Davey Mae off with a top rope splash instead for the win. Unfortunately we don’t get to see Sinnamin’s boobs. Not because of anything The Smoke did but just because they cut it out. The commentators complain that there’s a conspiracy but nope, just a case of bad editing.
To set up the next match, Special Ed comes out to the ring with Chick Diesel. I know those names don’t mean anything but imagine some guy with a cane that has trouble walking dressed to the nines leading a really fat woman with sunglasses which automatically makes her a biker or something. Some of you may know Special Ed better as former OVW talent Timmy Baltimore. Fun Fact: I went to OVW’s site to see if he was still there to find that XPW’s ring announcer Ron Hed is now OVW’s ring announcer. Why must all this sleaze follow me wherever I go? Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Special Ed talks about “last time he was here” but it doesn’t matter because we didn’t see what he’s talking about. So he cuts a promo we can hardly hear to set up the next match but he must’ve got the crowd riled up as some drunk middle-aged woman climbs up onto the barricade to challenge Ed.
And out comes their opponents: American Creme Pie and Lucky. ACP is just some girl dressed in American themed gear who sprays whipped cream in fans mouths and makes out with them. Yup, apparently that’s a gimmick. Can’t fault them for originality, I guess. And Lucky is another guy with a cane who has so much trouble walking that he actually falls down before he can make it to the ring steps. And I don’t mean joking falling down to get a reaction, he actually has that much trouble using his legs. I’m no doctor but I wouldn’t doubt if it was some form of Multiple Sclerosis. Lucky slowly climbs into the ring and gets jumped by Special Ed, then body splashed to the back by Chick Diesel and followed up with a “Crip Crossface”. And the entire time, ACP is spraying whipped cream in fans’ mouths and making out with them. The ludicrousness of it all is only made worse by Eric Garguilo’s super-offensive commentary.
You know, I’ve watched XPW, I’ve watched IWA Mid South, I’ve tried to comprehend TNA’s booking process and I’ve even been around the FAN Forums where people wonder aloud how good WWE Diva AJ is at buttsex. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a high level of pure concentrated offensiveness as I’ve seen here. The thing is that personally, I’m not even offended but it still just seems so very wrong. So with that, I think I’m done with this review, even though there’s still another hour and a half left in it. Ok, I’ll admit it, ESPECIALLY since there’s another hour and a half left in it. Because at this point, nothing short of a live execution and/or setting puppies on fire could top a beatdown of a defenseless crippled man.
Stay classy, WEW.