With school back in session, I thought it was only fitting to center this edition of Movienalia around High School. More importantly, one where everybody sings, nobody swears or does drugs and problems are solved quickly and swiftly. I’m talking about East High School, Disney’s concoction of saccharine that was the setting for their 2006 hit, “High School Musical”. If High School were like this place, I would have dropped out!
So, kick back, relax and enjoy my suffering of “High School Musical”. But, don’t you dare start singing!
-They’re missing an apostrophe in the word ’Year’ in “New Year’s Eve”. Maybe if they spent less time dancing, they’d learn how to spell.
-What kind of parent tells their child not to read?
-What is with these adults yelling at kids for trying to learn and better themselves?
-Some parties have people spiking the punch bowl. This one is forcing people to sing.
-Holy auto-tune, Batman!
-I get it, movie. Troy and Gabriella are going to be a couple. Stop beating me over the head with it.
-For a second there, I thought Troy was going to strip.
-I wish something new would start. Preferably, a new movie.
-Way to almost injure Gabriella, Troy!
-So, she fainted when she tried a solo singing career (due to stage fright), but was fine singing in front of an entire party. How does that make sense?
-I have a feeling those fireworks are going to be the most exciting thing in this movie.
-Taking your picture isn’t adding your number into her phone, Troy!
-Setting the film in New Mexico is original, I’ll give the film that. Would be funnier if it were set in Mexico.
-Nice to see the Justin Guarini haircut was still in style in 2006.
-Of course this movie would make a “Toy Story” reference.
-I’m not used to a movie being set in a High School where the teens talk like kindergarteners.
-That’s a basketball, not a hockey puck. How the hell did you ever become a teacher?!?
-This teacher is a bitch!
-That may have been the shortest class ever.
-Three things, Sharpay. 1) You signed up for pairs audition by yourself. 2) You only needed to sign on one line, not all of them. 3) What kind of a name is Sharpay? Were your parents sniffing sharpies when they named you?
-Toodles? Are you sniffing sharpies, Sharpay?
-Shaquille O’Neal did “Kazaam”. I wouldn’t put it past him to do a musical.
-A mountain lion is cute? Chad, I think you have a bestiality fetish.
-For people mocking musicals, you sure had no problem breaking into song during basketball practice.
-Where the hell did that spotlight come from?!?
-Did they just pull those basketballs out of their asses?
-Are all the adults in this movie dumbasses?
-Since when has detention required you to build the set for the next school musical?
-When I was in school, bullies beat the crap out of me and constantly tormented me. They didn’t sign me up for the Scholastic team.
-“What are those two doing in a tree?” K-I-S-S-I-N-G?
-Does Chad carry a basketball around with him at all times?
-“Young men in baggy shorts flinging balls…” Yeah, that won’t ever be misconstrued.
-We are one! We are one! We will stand together!
-Is cheerleader considered a second language?
– “I still don’t understand this detention thing.” It’s when a student is punished for misbehaving. Seriously, the adults are dumbasses.
-Chad comes with his own background music. Too bad he doesn’t come with a brain.
-Troy is no Solid Snake.
-My ears are bleeding thanks to these auditions!
-I wish Simon Cowell would appear and tear these people apart.
-What was the point of the guy randomly doing ballet?
-The Evans siblings playing a couple in the musical is extremely creepy.
-How the hell do you not what a team is?
-With the way everybody acts around Troy, I’m lead to believe he was an asshole before Gabriella came along.
-It would have been nice if Ashley Tisdale took acting lessons before doing this movie.
-It’s time for another random musical number. Oh joy!
-“Stick to the status quo!” When did I walk into a WWE Creative meeting?
-Of course dancing is legal, you idiot!
-Another sharpie sniffer; a skater thought a cello was a saw.
-“I do not understand.” Neither do I, Sharpay.
-“I can’t have people staring at me.” Then, why are you doing a musical?
-Does anybody have an IQ over 10 in this movie?
-Isn’t it against the rules for a woman to be in the men’s locker room?
-“Did you ever feel there was this whole other person inside of you, just waiting to come out?” Do you hear voices in your head, Gabriella?
-“Evaporate, tall person!” I’m using that insult.
-The last time I found a note in my locker, it read, “Hey there, sexy!” It turns out, I was using the wrong locker.
-Aren’t hiding places supposed to be secretive and hard to find?
-Saying Gabriella looks like a girl is a horrible compliment, Troy.
-Speaking of kindergarteners, I think they wrote this script.
-This may be the worst montage I’ve ever seen.
-How the hell did Sharpay not see Gabriella? She was standing right in front of her!
-“Championship games don’t come along all the time.” Nowadays, they seem to.
-A singing basketball player. That’s license to print money.
-I’ve seen after school specials with better dialogue than this.
-“If you sing in musicals, you’ll end up in my mom’s refrigerator.” That’s the weirdest line so far.
-Is he wearing underwear on his head?
-Conquering the student body sounds like a bad porno pick-up line.
-Chad wants to be one of Charlie’s Angels. What is wrong with this guy?
-The smart kids have no Photoshop skills.
-Do we really need a misunderstanding in this movie? It’s clichéd enough as it is.
-It’s time once again for a random musical number. Woo hoo!
-“Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen?” I blame Kurt Russell.
-What school gets a banner made of all the basketball team members on it? Especially one that looks like it’d be hanging in a little girl’s room.
-I love how the school was empty during Gabriella’s song, but everybody appeared out of the blue the second she was finished.
-Go Chris Harris! I mean, go Wildcats!
-This may be the quickest a misunderstanding has been resolved. Not that I’m complaining.
-You know what really matters? This movie ending.
-At least this musical number makes sense.
-Never mind, that wasn’t a musical number. Figures; the time it would make sense for one, they bolt on it.
-I honestly don’t think Sharpay has power to make all the events happen at the same time.
-How did it take this long for everybody to realize that the Evans siblings are selfish and were trying to sabotage the show for their own gain?
-So, their plan to salvage their audition is to bake a cake and throw basketballs?
-I’m starting to believe the script was written by pasting Hallmark cards together.
-Nothing is more riveting than a Scholastic Decathlon!
-Did I hit the SAP button?
-If you’re going to do the Bop, make sure you have protection.
-You’re telling me they’re cancelling the basketball game due to the scoreboard not working? Keep score on a notepad and use your watch to time the game, you morons!
-Safety regulations? The scoreboard isn’t working. It’s not as if the gym is going to catch on fire.
-Impromptu ladder match!
-“The theater waits for no one.” The theater usually waits for an audience.
-You sing on church choir and sang at a huge party. You don’t have stage fright. Knock it the hell off!
-What’s with the ’X’ on Gabriella’s shirt? Is she attending Charles S. Xavier School for Gifted Mutants?
-When did Gabriella change her outfit?
-Boo! Wildcats suck!
-When did Gabriella put on that dress? Does she change her outfit every five minutes?
-Did we really have to squeeze in one more musical number?
-“We’re all in this together!” I didn’t agree to that.
-I really hope this song won’t be stuck in my head.
That wraps up “High School Musical”. For all you students out there dreading going back to school, be thankful you’re not attending East High School. For those that fantasize that you are, my apologies that you have to go back to school. For everybody else, I hope you enjoyed my torture. I sure as hell didn’t!