After reviewing the debacle that was the first DVD set of Women’s Extreme Wrestling, I’ve had my fill of bad wrestling involving dirty women. That should mean A LOT considering it’s coming from someone who’s watched XPW. I needed to watch some GOOD wrestling for a change. But how was I going to watch something good yet also sleazy? Immediately, I thought of my favorite wrestler of the current generation: CM Punk. Sure, he may look like a scumbag in any incarnation, whether you’re talking about bleached blonde indy Punk, crazy Manson-beard Punk, kinda homeless Punk with a mask on or current slicked-back hair Punk. But as a follower of the Straight Edge movement, there’s not a ton of dirt on the guy. Then again, Punk has hooked up with plenty of hot ladies in the wrestling business but I’m not one to pry into personal relationships…even though I do own a DVD where two of Punk’s former hook-ups (Daffney and Traci Brooks) wrestle each other in an empty garage for a cardboard Kurt Angle stand-up where the match’s psychology is focused on both women’s massive fake boobs (I’m not joking). Suddenly, it hit me: CM Punk…skeezy ladies…what about the time when CM Punk wrestled Homicide in a strip club? Yup, that’s a thing that totally happened. Of course, if you’re any kind of wrestling fan on the Internet, you probably knew about this already (Why else would you be reading my column?) but no one has ever given this momentous occasion in Wrestling Sleze an in-depth analysis until now.
The date: November 13, 2004. The place: Tampa, Florida. The promotion: Full Impact Pro. For those that don’t know, FIP was basically the sister promotion of Ring of Honor, meaning that their roster was made up mostly of big names in ROH and some Florida talent that wouldn’t necessarily get much exposure otherwise. So it would be natural that the main event of this particular show would be Homicide defending his FIP Heavyweight Championship against CM Punk in a Falls Count Anywhere Match. Punk cuts a pre-match promo, questioning Homicide’s street cred and…wait a minute…
Is Punk wearing guy-liner?
Anyway, the match starts in the ring and it’s not even a minute before Azrael, a decent flippy-doo kid and Punk’s stablemate in The New Dawn (basically a pre-cursor to the Straight Edge Society), runs out to make it a 2-on-1 beatdown but soon Rainman (Kory Chavis, not Dustin Hoffman, though wouldn’t that be cool?) attacks Azrael to make things even. As Punk and Homicide brawl out into the crowd, we find out that this “arena” is nothing more than some sort of rec-room, complete with bar and pool table. This place literally holds about 30 people, and that’s being generous.
D-Von, get the chalk!
Soon enough the melee goes out into the parking lot and the cameraman, referee and all 30 crowd members as Punk begins to scale a Ryder truck. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re gonna get some sort of jump through a stack of tables and lighttube log cabins considering Punk’s disdain for CZW. Homicide goes for a pin on top the truck as the cameraman struggles to stay in focus but at least we see Punk hit a DDT on it. They get down from the truck and turn the corner of the building, finding themselves at the door of the strip club, which causes the fans to chant “Titty bar! Titty bar!” Lil’ Tootsie’s is apparently hiring, for those wondering. But before they go inside, Punk drops Homicide hard with a back body drop onto the concrete parking lot. Seriously.
Ow.
They brawl into the club and almost immediately Homicide sends Punk flying over a table with a punch, right infront of some very confused strip-club patrons. The fight spills onto the stage where a handy dandy party wheel stands. Punk spins the wheel and makes the deal but it doesn’t land on Cole Miner’s Glove. Instead, it lands on this:
Oh snap, son!
Somehow that ingenious move only got a two count so Homicide follows up a piledriver counter with a Russian Leg Sweep as the strippers begin to come out on stage. I know they gotta get that dolla-dolla but at the risk of their health and well-being? Come on now. Soon, Homicide takes the fight to Punk back into the Champagne Room, making sure the strippers are safe and sound, but that doesn’t last long as they come back out onto the floor and near the stage. Somehow, all 30 of the crowd members were able to follow them into the strip club, leaving me to wonder if they had to pay the cover, otherwise they got a free show. However, I really doubt any of them were looking at the women. Homicide crawls back up onto the stage as the two strippers grind each other but Punk doesn’t care as he drops a boot to Homicide’s dome and has time to scream at the strippers those infamous words: “YOU ARE A WHORE!”
And a legend was born that day...
I’ll mark out for anything that CM Punk does. Hell, my signature on the FAN Forums for the longest time was Punk admiring a bucket of Kentucky Grilled Chicken. But in the interest of fairness, I’m gonna suggest that maybe he’s wrong on this one. First of all, maybe these strippers are just using their natural gifts as a way to earn money off of easily persuaded and/or lonely men in order to make their way through school or support their families. And secondly, the dictionary definition of the word “whore” means to engage in sexual intercourse for money. Yeah, they may be suggesting sex to gain money, but technically they’re not having intercourse, so there. Question your heroes, kids. They’re not always right.
Anyways, the match continues but quickly ends as the footage cuts out into the parking lot (there are a few cuts here and there but since I figured nothing was lost but aimless brawling, I figured not to mention it) where Homicide drops Punk with a piledriver on the concrete for the three count to retain the FIP title. Ok, so the editing kinda made the match a bit anti-climactic with little to no build-up. But still, freakin’ OW!
The sad part is I bet the strippers got paid more.
So there you go, the infamous CM Punk vs Homicide match that took place in a strip club. Was it a good match? Of course not, it was just a typical brawl with a few spots here and there. But compared to the WEW shows I’ve reviewed, I feel like I just watched Wrestlemania here. Unfortunately, since this was the best I could do with good wrestlers competing in a “sleazy” match, I have a feeling that whatever I review next is just gonna go downhill from here.